what should I do so that you will say yes ?

Well, no one absolutely no one had asked this question to me before.
Looks like either I have been saying a lot of Yes' s in my life or have been forced to or manipulated into yes's forever. No one, my parents also knew that I was easier to be forced on with decisions rather than giving a choice.
A normal work day in office. Being the Dean, more of a care-taking position there are so many times that I need to say no. Although I try my best to work around situations empathetically. I have seen a lot of life - good bad both in a relatively lesser span of years in total. That has resulted in me being compassionate and extremely strong. I have always been very sensitive though. My heart still bearts, weeps despite it being converted to a tough stone. It is still very difficult to say no. And even more difficult to say no with a manipulative beat around the bush strategy. I cannot be manipulative enough to sweetly roll around words and not even let people understand that they have been said no to and have been calculated into. Those calculations hurt later and I do not appreciate being done that. Hence I do not do it to anyone. I am straight forward, brutally true in my approach.
That is also the reason why no one really cared to ask.
Ok, the other day, I happen to say No to almost everyone who came to my cabin, since I didn't want to set a wrong precedent. I felt so bad within. I do have that lub dub within the stone that has happened to happen.
This really soft spoken & soft hearted colleague of mine Gautam, came along and actually asked this question. So that I would say yes to one of the students wishes.

And I thought no one really cared to ask. What is it that I want. How will I say yes. Is there something, some desire, some thing that would bend me to say yes. nothing. I found nothing. 

I thought at that moment, maybe it was not as important ever to anyone in my life else before. People always found their way out. And I kept looking at them with those huge rabbitty eyes of mine, wishing maybe they understood, what I wanted to say, but have always been mis-interpreted. It is so easy to hate people who maintain their strength in public and NOT a damsel in distress.

Anyways, I am glad, at least someone asked this, in whatever context it is right now.
This question left me weeping in my cabin, thinking would life had been different if absolutely anyone whom I cared so much for asked this to me ? And had I been nagging enough to ask and say what I wanted from everyone around ?

hm, maybe next time.

Isnt my body mine ? Do I eat from your plate ?

Well, this is an everyday thing now.

I have been seeing this since childhood.
We used to be on the second floor for watching television or some random activity.
I must have been in 4th or 6th. The thinner, my age children used to be picked up and brought to the first floor, to sleep. While i used to be woken up. To walk down. Because people could not carry me. Well, for records, I was not as heavy that time, but was relatively heavier for the relatives.
Then, came the time, when I was healthier than my school courterparts. Nevertheless pretty. I had blossomed earlier. While the other school children looked pale and malnutritioned. I remember, I was not a foody, I used to get beaten up for not eating the tiffin that was given. My mom used to take the pain to give 2 different hot meals given to the school just before my breaks before she went to work. She worked full time. All I can do today for my daughter is to give her a tiffin in a hotcase. My mom was good at cooking and enjoyed making good food. I used to hear, you are so pretty, had you been a little thinner, many boys would have persued you. And honestly I didnt care how many did. Barring a few who tried to get in touch and I was scared that I will be beaten up for even talking to boys. I portrayed myself as a snob. Easier. No or less attention.

Going to college, I was not allowed to be wearing any of the fashionable clothes. yes, I grew up in a conservative communist family. (I know that is paradoxical) My father is extremely protective. Despite that I did have a few eyes on me, because I didnt try as much to look great. I was still medium or small size. But i was not skinny.

That is when I took my weight very seriously and did everything. Aerobics, diet, not eating unnecessarily. I was staying with my maternal aunt and granny. My mother's family came from Vidarbha, where in people there have small faces, thin bodies and a long nose. That was considered as a standard of beauty in my family too. Explains, why my dad married my mom. Though my mom was on the voluptuous side of that thin family. Being with my aunt, my maternal unncle and in fact every single person around kept comparing me, S, M size then to the XXS XXXS people on the house. There were continuous discussions on how I should be thinner. This echoed in my family whenever I went home. As a kid, you happen to listen to all this. 

Then I got married to a thin person. Fine, I liked him, I got married. I didnt know I had to match my size, shape, caste, earnings before getting married. I thought love was enough. And Love came from one's heart, not bodies. Visibly, I was shorter and stouter than him. Every single person in that family had a say over my weight. Irrespective of the fact that it was a family of short, and fatter people. But then commenting was easy.

Aww, then I got in NID. A place where being pretty is celebrated. I had a couple of roommates who termed me, that my ass was 2 feet wide. They are pretty looking gals and barring that and a few more things, they have been good to me and valued me being in their lives.
My aunt commented, I have started looking like them then, As fat and as mature. The same aunt now feels its ok to be fat, since her both kids are fatter to me today, despite without kids or marriage pressure yet. I did not have the exposure  to fashionable self expression yet.

Then another life changing or rather weight changing chapter was pregnancy. Throughout I was exercising, doing yoga, going for walks, name it I did it. Except Gymming though, since I didnt have the money and time combination right.
I was once returning from Delhi. I was around eight month pregnant and hence could not really bend. My passport/ something fell. The security guard therein said, why dont you reduce some weight, you will be able to pick things better. I was again in normal clothes. not in the so called show your tummy, you are preggers clothes. I felt bad, I told the guard, Bhaiyya, mein pregnant hoon. Brother, I am pregnant. He then apologized, but the scar remains. 

I did yoga till the last day to my delivery, and hence I could work till then and I was working again asap back from the hospital, yes, from the 6th day of my delivery, since then I have never taken a break. I maintained, got back to my earlier to pregnancy weight as soon as possible. I used to take walks of 1.5. to 2 hours daily with my baby in my hands, since no one really wanted to take care of the baby then. I went through a lot of work and lot of burnouts after that. I was neglected. Not only by myself but by husband too, who looked at me only as a machine working in the house and earning money.

And I still remember, one fine day, my child asthma came back, I could not climb the hill that day. and I had to return from the hillbase. The same hill that I literally trekked every day with my little one in hand. That is a whopping 5 year ago. But then taking in whatever medication possible, going through 7 - 8 doctors, treating the backache that came along, along with the mental stress that with separation anxiety. Today, maybe I am doing a little ok, but due to age, I face hormonal issues. That got into gaining weight and inability to exercise. I am adjusting to the changes in my life.

And then anyone just stands up and says - reduce your weight and everything will be ok.

No, its not that simple. I cannot give up work, my everyday routine to just do that. I have seen a few success stories who did that and are either unemployed right now or are being funded by someone.
I have to support my family single handedly. And I do not have a family background of being skinny. which you may have. And congratulations for it. But it does not guarantee you being healthy either! And thanks for being concerned about my health. no thank you!

Most of the time, these harmless comments are taken as a joke or posed as a joke. Sometimes it is a serious concern too, may be because not everyone understands human anatomy and physiology ass well enough and their only source to knowledge is marketing and advertisements they are exposed to. I dont happen to take them seriously always. But you know what those comments hurt. They hurt every single time. I just need to react according to the social group present at that moment and blurt out crying. But it hurts. That every single morsel of food after that seems like a crime after that. Until someone else says something.

I see my daughter growing up. I have an everyday sports class for her. And I know she is has a similar structure. People even jump ahead to say, oho, your daughter is so fat, ask her to eat less. Should I say, oho, your kid is so thin, dont you have the resources to feed your kids ?
Or may be ask people depending on the person, oho, you are short, why dont play baseball, become a little taller. Oho, you are dark why dont you use some fairness cream, become a little fairer ? Oh, you are bald, why dont your use some creams and get hair on your head.

And how bout this ? oho, your intellectual capacity is a problem, why dont you consume some brahmi and get a little wiser ?

Wiser enough to understand that everyone goes through a different state of mind, and please be kind ? Is that too much to ask ?

Oh yes, I dont need to care what the world thinks about me, my weight, my looks whatever. So that the world can stand up say I am a snob. That looks like a good plan !

North India did turn me into a loner & / introvert

One happens to become what the close-by society rewards.

Being outspoken, being honest to everyone and being brutally honest about everything and everyone are the qualities that the immediate society next to me rewarded.
Until I moved to the North of India. It is a completely different country.
Off course that element of being a single mother and hence being judged at cannot be overlooked for sure. What I was not rewarded or probably what I did not or could not learn during my early years of upbringing, (yes, I am probably mid life, if I live long that is), is being manipulative, being a bully, humble bragging, being political, and loving to not follow the rules to the extent of disturbing others. Yes, all this is called as 'chalta hai' in the North and is carried forward to the whole world as the Indian sentiment. - its human to be like this.
Along with that, yes, my patience level has increased. because of the 'koi nahi' - its ok for almost every thing. - its human to be like this.
I just saw a 12 year old learning to ride a 2 wheeler here. yeah so what. -  its human to be like this.
A sports teacher hit a little kid with her car, and let the kid lie there until he had a fracture, but then so what? - its human to be like this.
People smoke in the washrooms, making everyone else uncomfortable. And beat that, they also curse you for feeling uncomfortable likewise and judge you on that, so what ? - its human to be like this.
A person who poses as a friend happens to pull out all that has been happening in your life - well, for curiosity sake - or is it entertainment ? so what ?  (trust me, I met a lot of people like that - with the frequency that I used to let people in my life). - its human to be like this.
Then the poser friend also happens to use that information in various ways to make you uncomfortable enough to not being able to say anything at all, and lets not forget, make it look like it is your mistake. so what ?  its human to be like this. Well, this one should be rewarded for the masterstroke in intelligence!
The poser friends happen to be passing on every little bit of information that you confided into their own entertaining political good.
And back bitching - oh that, so what? People have a doctorate in it. its human to be like this.
Again a poser friend shouts at you, and then shouts again - let go !! So what ? its human to be like this.
A doctor - extremely educated, well earning, sitting in a 5 star hospital, yes, they exist here, does not think a wink before declaring you have cancer in front of your little kid, so what ? its human to be like this.
A professor does not hesitate telling a story of a woman and her daughter committing a suicide due to excessive freedom (well, that professor feels, coloring hair is excessive freedom). She does not think a wink to understand how would it impact the little one. So what ? its human to be like this. Oh, yes, I should not have taken the little kid to her visit, yes my mistake. But then do they have a trustworthy childcare system here, so what ?
People love to drive on the wrong lane. so what ? its human to be like this.
People love to flirt around with everyone irrespective. Let's not forget, genuine is very low here. So, flirting to get some favor in return. Or yes, that is how people do get things in return.Gosh, that feeling of being used! It feels worse when you cant use someone in return.
So what? its human to be like this.
That is exactly why altruism is taken with a pinch of salt here. Because people think, there is some ulterior motive. Then just for information, altruism gives the highest form of self satisfaction! 
No one helps without a transaction.
Genuine is low here, hence the need of brands which ensure quality. So what ? its human to be like this.

Transactional relationships - maybe a lot of them are transactional after all. haah, Sanmitra, you realised this pretty soon in your life, didnt you?

At least people in the north are sweet to talk on face. so what ? 

And then, I have a high protecting wall around me now. Yes, so what !
What? I need to protect myself and my family from all this. I truly don't know till when will I be able to do so. No idea. I am sure I will have to give in one day. Give in one day, to either become like them or quit sooner. I have finally shut down and it is going to be even more difficult to let people in.

I miss the people's person I used to be.