Lunch - a very very human lunch

 I must say, I got this privilege of being at Lunch with the complete team of the IT folks. All thanks to one non-judgemental female in the group. Very kind. Shivani. 

That whole table was giggling, laughing, there were people who ate quietly. While there were who continuously tagged each other for fun. All jokes seemed to be allowed. There were people who carried eggs from their homeplace in trains, buses and cars some 400 500 km away. young crowd. that again. forgiving. not flexing beyond anything. 

I remember I had these lunches some 10 years ago. yes. that long ago. where i could be my own self, eat, mostly laugh. Live through. Not asking much. having fun once through the day. this little group of ours knew who liked what. everyone cared for each other. we were bound by the happiness of just being together. for a long time. We are still in touch. all of us. we may not meet everyday but alls well. we see each other living lives good enough on the social media. again, no flexing. as much happiness that we share. They were also my people when my lil one was growing up. I could call anyone. They could call me. 

Then I went far away. 

I understand I went far away. the group stayed. I moved out. They literally gave me a send off / a happy good bye party more than a few times. They met me whenever i came back. I met at least a few people in front of the same company whenever i returned. 

While the lunch tht i had when I was away was a vile time always. People talking over each other. Wanting me to shut down or finding some way to bully me. Oh it was bad. at times i was allowed to sit in a different group just to realise that my presence was advantage of. 

I realised I stopped talking during lunch. At times singing within myself, moving through my own thoughts. talking only if asked. Being present. taking in as much information tht was required. sieving through everything else. All the crap. uff. 

It is in fact lonely at the top. Always. 

This. of not telling everyone, where do i sit in the sense of position is refreshing. you are allowed to enter the groups. of ages, of positions. or maybe its a geography thing as well.  

Just was worth a mention. absolutely. 

Maybe clearing my writing block too. 

Where does all that's lost go ?

 I told her, why did'nt you just hug him and ask him to stay ? 

She said, I did. I did hug him. i told him. We will sort everything out. Lets be ok. He left. despite that he left. He wanted to. after a whole 15 years, someone asked me a similar question. why did'nt you try to stay. why did'nt you just bear with it. keep it going ? 

I did'nt feel the need to explain to her. She did'nt even know my life. but she was genuinely concerned, or she looked so. I told her, i could not. I could not have taken what was happening any longer. I tried doing that for the kid. 

He said he loved me. I saw it in his eyes. sometimes. in fact very few times. or maybe i was delusional. or it lasted for a very little time. 

then where did it go ? that was something tht got lost. oh. so many years to it now. 

There is seriously no going back to what it was. never. things did'nt work. yes, i made peace with it. 

World did'nt. anyways. 

Suddenly a new life. for some reason, she looked younger to the new set of people. trust me they did not know her. clearly she was overestimating my popularity ? she did think everyone knew who she was. she wrote so much. or maybe she didnt. she had stopped being on socials. she wanted to keep it low. talking wise she think she had already gone a little too low to not talk to adults / people her age. she spoke to little kids because of her dedication to the lil ones due to the doting parent structure, colleagues. rarely friends. everyone go busy in their lives. actually she stopped yearning for help to anyone. she had stopped connecting too. was gone far-a-way. living for her kid. the teen years. so much go through all alone. she tried. she tried wanting to make friends. no not really reaching there. 

this new life. this one person actually did a couple of truly small gestures - very simple ones. walking her to the office. getting tickets for her for a great show. no one did that ever. May be just a lonely soul. No, she did'nt lead anyone on. it was refreshing to someone actually liking her for no reason at all. she didnt think it was calculated at all. oh and she definitely dint know if that was the current shipping start. some affection she deserved. why not. no answers to that yeah. kucch bhi.  

& unfortunately everything just opened up. nothing was right, it never was. possibly never will be. that little share of affection got lost. the moment everything opened out. there was a huge age gap, social gap & we dont even know what all gaps exist. they will never concede unless the last so many years were just erased and she could simply be someone who existed earlier. to have someone who kinda liked her for no reason at all. life kinda gave a very mini small window for companionship & took it away. The affectionate person felt deceived. not because of her. but because of the reality she was in. 

Lost again. 

Don't know where it went. All the affection. 

Things get lost. We never know. 

anyways. life. 

To feel guilty or not ?

Its been almost 9 to 10 months that I have almost stopped cooking regularly. 

yes, it is something that I started when I was in 6th standard. Thats 11 or 12 years of age maximum. It felt like a burden then. It still feels like a burden. 

Not that I dont like to cook. In fact making good food is pretty much an awesome creative activity that I love to do. It builds in that love for the people that i cook for. With practice maybe I did do good. 

But then the new set of people whom i lived with after my marriage, didnt like it for more reasons than the actual food taste. It was a mix of jealousy and caste-ism. In my earlier days and even today, I love to see people feeling good about the food taste and presentation. People feeling happy of eating together. Until recently i was completely ok talking to my guests and cooking along with the talking, meeting people & being busy in the kitchen to amaze people with my cooking skills. With the aroma that flowed right into the gastric juices of my guests sitting right there being enthralled by my stories. That for the guests. 

But for people at home, the happiness when I made something that they liked. That look into my lil one's eyes. That twinkle. & that ear to ear grin she displays when she gets that wonderfully cooked meal. Of her liking. And actually converting all that's unpalatable to being as delicious as ever. Even the Karla or bitter guard. Let alone the cakes, pastries and delectable dishes. There used be this happiness on her face that converted into happiness in my heart. She made it an activity that was treasured by me due to her reaction. 

Recently this activity simply took a backseat. Rather disappeared. My mind started moving away from the everyday cooking. & it has to be done because it has to be done. not out of love. not out of the happiness. 

There was so much more that was happening. the lil one falling mad ill. taking care of her while the then job being troublesome (bigger level). Me not wanting to be there anymore etc. Job change and everything. looking for a better place to move. Looking for the education of the little one. So much stress. Resulting into a cooking block. along with the writing block and the painting block and the singing block. All my energies were concentrated on survival. Of finding a good job. the quest for better and lesser troubles. 

I did not cook. I did not make. Anything. At all. 

& I felt guilty that i was'nt truly feeding my family as well as i could. As well I wanted to. I didnt meet my own standards. Of working hard to get food made on the table because i wanted to get food on the table. 

My creative reserves died, ok, paused. Blocked. 

We moved. To a new city. Better place. Better and helpful people. (that for another blog). 

& lo n behold. 

I got a maid who cooked !! complete luncheon was made at a very good quality level. way better than me in fact. 

Oh I felt awesome! 

The career woman in me thanked me. as much. 

I got happy with the space, the time that I got for myself. I sang, played sitar, went for a walk. yes. that. 

But that conditioning of being able to cook. of cooking for so long. From a very long time. making awesome food. All that. the conditioning does not go. The compulsion of cooking does not go. That satiation after cooking yourself and then managing to eat some of what you made does not go. 

Anyways. I enjoyed that phase until last. Did i though. 

I am back to cooking, making, doing. thats good too. 

Should I feel guilty for feeling good for not cooking ? for feeling ok with not doing the household chores like a man ? Does a guy feel guilty ? ever  ? For not doing so much. 

What if she was here today ?

I don't know. What would happen. At least I would not have felt lonely enough. Or i would have been able to talk to her. Or I would have fought with her for not being there to take care o my daughter. or she would have fought with me to be with Saee for longer. Or what if she would want to come for all the tours with me. 

What if I could write with her. I know she liked her better but she spent more time with me because I was always available for her. To help her to pick her bags. to help her in general because she needed help. I was there for her. Swelling in pride that I could be there for her. that I m earning some good deed - punya,  the happiness to be around. Rather she only paid attention to me when i was working for her ? was she wanting help and my sister refused by default so she had no option  ?

Where is my share of ok, here s something for you. I have been helped by my parents for child rearing. who will help my daughter to rare her child. Let her do it on her own. 

Inexplicable

 There are so many things these days that are not explainable to myself. 

There is so much loneliness. So much of life left out. It feels like there s no one. 

There is this guilt. I never thought I got enough of my parents so I thought my husband should be my parent and understand and support me. Now do I see the life partner thing in my daughter ? I feel so guilty for that. I have been Taj with her. was it needed ? i wanted to go. But now she has her own life, her own living, 

She is going to go away from me one fine day. She should. She should get the best person to be with. Who takes care of her, is there for her and never leaves her for any reason. 

I feel alone. Untouched. unsupported. 

She fights and she fights a lot. and then if I express, she fees bad and says who else will she fight with. Who else will I fight with ?

i dont feel like a lot of things 

i dont feel like cooking 

i dont feel like going anywhere 

meeting new people. everyone is deceptive. 

I dont feel like going home 

everything just feels so not good. not very positive. 

i cfry everyday when i get up. put myself to sleep 

I dont know why people want the external body when the inner soul actually matters ? 

do they even deserve me then 

Can i trust anyone with my daughter ?

How will i live a life if all i am doing is her. will I have a life ? or is this the end of the world ?

People who are lovely to us because we are consumers

 There are these Bhaiyyas and Didi's who sell. 

They are genuinely good to you. They are sweet. They are good to talk to. 

They are literally a respite wherein they are not fighting with you. At times because they want to buy from you. But most of the times because they are genuinely sweet people. That enables them to be in the Sales structures. 

But then truly thats pretty sweet and kind of them to be good to us. especially when there are mean people around, it helps. It helps to feel good. 

Some concern & so much love.

 Out of nowhere, Atul (works with WUD) came to teach Saee how to cycle. 

I am just more than indebt. Because whether the world understands or not, it is truly difficult taking care of a teenager kid. It is so difficult to convince on what is good and what is bad to her. I have been trying my best to simply get her to learn cycle. learn a few more life skills. 

I understand if that happens with me doing it then she will do it. But I cannot do everything anymore. Somewhere I think my energy is minimum. It is difficult to be there., 

Somehow it feels like my life is ending too. That for another blog. 

But yes, Atul came. He taught her cycling. No. Saee was adamant and told him, Atul mama, I dont want to learn how to cycle. He was so patient. So ego-less, so caring towards my child. More patient than what I am. No dont want to give reasons for the patient factor. I know it is wrong to not be patient. 

So lovingly he convinced my lil one to learn. She agreed. But her being my daughter as strong, didnt sit on the cycle until he taught her how to drive a car !! 

he also gave his car to her. And I wept sitting behind both of them. At a time, I could not breathe and got out to get some air. For so many reasons. That lil baby whom I was taking care of for so many years by me. She is now grown up enough to drive. She has been helped by someone else other than me to learn (of course besides the teachers). She has grown up in this University & people have truly helped. I have also asked for help shamelessly. 

A big thank you, Atul