so sudden..but so much real

my dad called up to come over immediately. i went and i saw her going. leaving this world, me. i saw that every little movement that she made when she was on the ventilator. every movement and i prayed please back to normal and come to life. after seeing this for continous three days i saw the pulse rate dropping and i knew this was it. i did not want to see her die.no. i didnt. it was too early for her to die.
but this is also true tht how can i decide or who am i to decide whether it was too early?
i saw my mom dying and i could do nothing. the doctors tried. they could do nothing.
it was a clear heart failure on the 18th september 10:34.she could now rest in peace.i know she's in peace than she ever was on this earth.and maybe in a better state?

the customs of the 12th, 10th day are just to pacify the people around. the tradition of asthi visarjan just made me realise what we are. after we die. we are just those pieces of bones left. where's that life?
where does it come from. and where does it go?

i do not know and never will.

women?

I was traveling back home. The innocent little kid next to me would give a nice feeling about the way it was brought up to become so cute ever. He smiled at me as soon as he got up. This actually showed the innocence in him.

While the small little girl woke up with a cry which actually woke everyone in the cabin. The reason? The little girl along with her mother was sleeping on the floor of the train without anything to cover as well as nothing below. She slept on her mom’s saree. She would definitely be shivering with cold all night. She was a small kid of around 2 years same was the boy-child. This is something that I have observed twice now. The veiled women (from Rajasthan) I do not know about their caste and don’t want to specific in mentioning it. The whole family travels to whatever place and the women are literally seen as the assistants/ even worse servants of their husbands. The woman serve food almost the moment the men wake up or order something. They take good care of their kids.

The men do not book a berth for the women. The women sleep on the floor in between the two berths. It is really disheartening to see this. This time I at least saw the veiled woman getting a place to sit on the seat. Last time I encountered an incident which was even worse. The woman slept on the floor. And after getting up she actually sat facing the wall next to the window and sat still. Without a word to utter.

The man of the family eyed me very strangely since I was the only woman who seemed out of place there.I was not wearing a saree and had not veiled my face. I was travelling alone, bold enough to ask him to make place for my seat which was reserved. He was so very reluctant and talked very rudely. Being polite primarily I answered him with the same rudeness as he did. I had to. He should know.. He is not at all the supremo. He should have some respect for women.

It sometimes really comes to mind, I felt so bad about the incident. I felt the women should be equally placed. But did the women feel so. Did they even feel the need to heard? Did they even know that there was a world beyond the mundane things that they did. Or did they even know what they lived as. Reproductive machines to render their kids. That’s all? They must be feeling great achievements in whatever they were doing. I would not be the right person to comment. Because I do not know how it feels to be completely suppressed. As a woman, I have faced the brunt of suppression. But maybe education has empowered me the way to see ahead. But are these woman happy bearing the brunt? (I do not know).

my dog is no more

my mom called me in the morning and i missed the call as i had left my phone some where. She called me back and said, our dog, Sheru died today. He was twelve years old. he died of a kidney stone problem. he did not eat anything for 2-3 days. And now he is no more. Some how i ll be missing him. Everytime I go back home, I normally used to see him coming waving his small tail. He was huge. he would just pounce upon and start licking or at least troubling.
He did not let anyone come to our house. he was like an identity to our house. We used to instruct people tht come to the house with the huge black dog. he was a part of our family. He truly supported my mom when she was alone at home. Not that i really love pets or some thing. But his loss is a loss to me .
now- a - days it really comes to my mind, is it that i am becoming more and more sensitive to an absence in life? Sheru is gonna be a deliberate absence, truly...Yes maybe i am becoming more and more sensitive.. Sometimes I feel how of sensitivity is too much.?
even now am i just trying to look at it objectively but i can not.. is this what is called as being sensitive or is it just a pure relation that we develop with every cell around and grieve over its absence?

what if there are no problems?

We had this wonderful course on systems thinking by Mr.Dinesh Korjan. Systems thinking is a way of solving complex problems. we learned how to map the problems and then solve them. try and come to a workable solution.
It just came to my mind... we come to being, and we start having problems. then we start finding solutions. e.g. transportation was a problem so Ford invented the car, James invented the steam engine,etc.. little did he know, that his solution was going to be a huge problem today..a major contributor to global warming.but then is global warming truly a problem? Yes it is going to affect the world..but will we be alive to see it? my group worked on old age problems. although while working we thought the best solution would be 'marna' or dying. but when it came to presenting it, i was simply unble to list down the reasons why they should die. I felt it was just being very selfish and insensitive. here my sensitivity towards the problem was high. it became a problem to me. i actually burst in tears because i just could nt bear the idea thinking of someone dying..be it anyone.
but i needed to be more strong may be..that was the solution of my problem..
eventually i now truly believe, if i had no problem to solve, then what would i do in life? this actually helped me look at the problem as not being a problem but an integral part of our lives. now i think it will be much easier for me to look at problems and hurdles in life as them being my own than being imposed on me.
All thanks to mr.Dinesh Korjan.

Autumn and sonata

the movie. i just saw it. it was more about a struggle of individuals wanting to get each others love. a mother and her daughters. the mother being ambitious enough to neglect the household.(thats wht the daughter felt.) The mother kept feeling home sick. But by the time she tried spending in some time with the family, the family had drifted away.Not being timely in this case really made a cause of hatred towards her.
I was just wondering, was she really wrong? I do not deny the relationships that everyone shares.. everyone is someone's someone. there is some or the other relation.then what is it that needs to be done in such a situation. The society today really demands a lot from women. They should be very well at home, manage relationships, and manage the challenges outside home. In such a situation, i think a human being (here i want to mention that women are human beings as well) can really do specific things at a time. Not to mention the multi-tasking ability of women, but how much can they multi-task.
But then the daughter was also right. she wanted her share of her mothers time. She thinking tht way was quite natural, so was the thinking of the mother. I could really not come to a conclusion, as to wht is it tht is true life, or living life for ourselves (because we are not gonna get this life again)or for others (because we are not gonnna get the same people again)..

does money and comfort really go together?

we had this fabulous discussion with a reknowned designer 'Amit Paul' yesterday. He has designed various automobiles. One thing tht just striked me during his presentation, was he had modified some cars. In those he had given some very comfortable seating arrangement to the CEO's car. And there was a comment that this comfort is needed by the top positioned people etc.etc.
it came to my mind, do we really need a lot comfort when we start earning better? In fact do they as well? Is it a need? Does going to a higher post change our basic body structure? Why arent people from the urban, so called sophisticated society comfortable to sit on the ground? Go barefooted in the fields? Why cant just be humans and not be categorised as rich, poor, sophisticated, crude..whatever? Is it so difficult to talk to anyone in life. Why do the people from a specific class look down to another?
Aren't we the same species?
I completely believe in the concept of survival of the fittest. i believe there is a natural competitive behaviour to do good. But who keeps us away from people who arent doing good. Why is the comfort necessary? In fact, this comfort causes even more health problems. Do the people being comfortable actually acknowledge the comfort....And even if they do, how will it matter?

revisiting memories

here i am back to my writing after a long break.
I had been away from my campus and felt i ll go back to my own world of my home and office only. I truly felt relieved as it was a change from the routine i had here and was happy about it.

I was on a long long vacation and there was a surprise. During the vacation i got a chance to meet a friend almost after five long years. We had been out of touch for five long years. Not that we had fought or anything. But we had just become too busy in our lives. In spite of being in same state, we did not get the time to see or even talk to each other. we talked seldom. But then we happened to meet and kept meeting during the vacation. I believe, we are in touch or contact with a person till a decided time. Then we tend to part and the memories fade off. not that this happens on purpose, it just happens.
Do we remember everything we did when we were kids? or all the people we were pally with? but we remember only a few things tht are relevant to us. Then do we dont remember irrelevant things? we do. Is there a specific way as to which things are remembered and which are not ?
I am just wondering. but it was really good to combine things that we both remembered and shared them. I just strong feeling tht the world is small and so is our life. We keep meeting the same people and places over and over again.