and the world goes round again.

my mom must have started the same way, going to school, cribbing about siblings, the same way as i did. studying, looking out if she could make it to the best, if not best at least ok, just the same way as i did, score average, but keep working till success came..then i don't know maybe growing up. looking for alliance, getting married..
life change..
having kids..first me..studying while she was pregnant for me..
me troubling her for no reason.. husband dominating for no reason, she getting frustrated, at times finding me to vent that out..i still troubling her. not knowing how much she cares for me. then the entry of my sister, i feeling jealous, that i don't get my part of mom anymore,trying all level best to do so, studying hard to get that rank so that she would hug me, appreciate me.and look at me with her smile and not a frown. little did i know that she almost always looked at me with care, appreciated me. she lived a dream that her girls would get the best in life and live happily ever..After she died as well.
the situation is the same today..same..i got my daughter when studying.. and i too think, pray to God that she gets the best in life and does not go through any of the hurdles and ordeals that i did...

friendship

i had to write this..
my friend shubhi is coming to pune.. it will make us me, shubhi, rohini a group again. again we will be able to share the things we did in college. although not in the same way. as we all will be working now.
but my heart did miss a beat when she told me this news. it is so human to feel good to have friends. that connection, we can share with, have fun with. being in my hometown always had rohini for me. but now that we are a group again will make things more fun more nice and happy..
we can again sing 'mera tujhse hai pehle ka naata koi'
it s a wonderful feeling. no rationalization to it. it has sprung directly from my subconscious on to the front. and i am loving it..

there is nothing called as being self-less

yes there is nothing called as self less. It just dawned upon me. when i , you, or anyone on this earth says that i have'nt done this for myself but someone else, I have sacrificed and all that, does not hold true.

The logic goes this way - for example, I help a person cross the road. why? because somewhere in my second standard, my teacher has told me, it is a good thing to help people cross the road. (who cannot themselves). you will feel good. I feel good.

I feel good when I help a specially able person to do something. i take part in some charity activity at least once in my life.I feel good. I feel good when I look after my little child. Off course i dont expect her to do the same for me or give me something in return. I am already getting what i want. satisfaction deep within.

So what if I don't earn anything materialistically? I earn a lot. I earn the self - satisfaction which is a higher need as per the Maslow's hierarchy of human needs. Today my basic need is satisfied, i yearn to do something meaningful in life. Then I want to do something without any material gain.
But this gain much much more than any material gain ever. I dont feel the need to be paid back. I feel good. My soul is satisfied.

reflection? thank you God!

it is so hard to believe. how can there be a living reflection of a human being. I had never given this a thought. today when I see my own daughter who is just like me (in looks) I don't know about the behavior as she is too young for it right now. just a few days old.

I see those little twinkling eyes and feel so very good. I forget all the pain,everything around. It is almost like I am seeing my own childhood with my own eyes. would it possible otherwise? It is a very satisfying experience. her little twinkling eyes are like two small black bulbs that shine with that new and fresh look.

She sleeps most of the time. but it is a so engaging to see her sleeping as well. This is truly like a miracle that God has given me and I thank God for it..Just ask God for more strength and patience for this new role...

do we like someone because someone likes us?

I met my professor just yesterday who is around 90 year old. I used to be his favorite student in class. to the extent of being the envy of other students in the class.I was favorite due to my sincerity. And i also like the professor a lot. In spite of being ninety, he never forgets me, my name when i call him. I had called him after around two whole years. to my surprise, he remembers me very well. while he has long forgotten my hubby who was my classmate for the very same class.Needless to say, i also like the professor a lot and take pride in telling everyone that I was his favorite student.
It just came to my mind, that liking for a specific person, is it inter-linked? is it that we like someone, because that person likes us?
Even in school, we tend to like the subjects of the teachers whom we tend to like personally. We tend to not the like the subject of a teacher who is very rude to us, not very kind and all that, at least when we are kids. then off course we eventually understand, that every subject is important and all that.. join the rat race irrespective of whatever.
sometimes in my mind, i think, is this phenomenon only for me for everyone.. do you feel the same.?..

alone/ solitude

I sometimes wonder do we really make a very big picture of being alone... or is it easy said than done for me right now?

i very much felt my dad will be left alone after my mom's death. but then he is fine. I felt will I be alone if I went far away for studies, but I am fine. In fact I found new friends.
I sometimes even feel will i miss being friends as in college. yes. Because then obviously you don't have so much time you had in college to spend together.
But then that will definitely not be the end of life. My friends, close relations will still exist, on phone, on FB, on Gtalk.. only that i will not be able to see them physically..

I was away from my country for a couple of months. and yes i was alone there. but I got a different experience of solitude. No phone. only connection to the outside world was a couple of hours of internet. other all hours immersed in work. That experience was very satisfactory.

I do think some days of solitude are good for self assessment and improvement of self as a person.. So instead of being afraid of being alone, its good to enjoy the solitude..(I know better said than done, but not impossible..) :)

After all we come on the earth alone. and go alone.meanwhile we gather people around us and create relations which help us live.

a new life...

yes there is a new life growing within me. I wonder how can i name the life. can the soul inside me decide its own name, its identity? I have nicknamed my to be baby as 'dudu'. I truly wonder how does the mind function in this case.
I have these nausea-tic feeling.i can and cannot eat a few things.I have suddenly got this urge of painting. Off course I am an artist, a commercial artist trying to get nito design management. never had i such an urge to get into paintings. had been to my principal yesterday. I truly cannot explain the feeling I had when i saw his sketches. I have never been so happy before on seeing the paintings.
My sixth sense has got stronger. there are some people i cannot bear. there are some things i have started liking immensely.
The joy when he/ she kicks in me is so immense. All the sadness goes away.Is this the joy of fulfilling the very reason we are on the earth? to perpetuate the species. humanities. I wonder what would be the liking of my child, how would he/ she behave? will all that i do now (maybe read books/ whatever) in these nine months really develop his/ her future psychologically?
I truly wonder if this is done and all controlled by this soul of my little one in my womb/ or what. I cannot understand this miracle of nature.