am i missing myself?

where have been..God. i dunno..a little kid and the whole world changes.. so less energy i have and so little time.. i have forgetten how to take time and write and take time to read , draw.. oh where is my sweet time?
ye si was busy before too..but now maybe i am engaged too
when she stays away from me , she stays with some one. but then when I return to her, dhe cries and tries to tell me where have u been i need u .. how can u be away from me..
that bothers me. nake me feel.. what is hte right thing to do to be with her or work so that i am able to provide for her.. it is so very tempting to be with her.. I remember the autumn and sonata..And i still dont know what to do ..

innocence-have i lost mine?

i happened to meet a lady while travelling. this lady was a "pure" home maker. her world was me, my husband, my kids. My happiness is lies in the happiness of my kids, so on and so forth. so much like the ekta kapoor serial. Yes there are people who truly exist. This lady was not even exposed to various things in life. For her a mall was the only place of difference. For her it was fun and enjoyment. Little was she worried about the Japan incident or maybe even the India Pakistan match. She was merrily happy in her own world. So much of innocence. The word independence was not even there in her dictionary. or it just meant something different.

I met her. I felt jealous. For her happiness. I am exposed to a lot things makes me more fortunate though. But does not make me stress free like her. this is what i felt as the primary feeling. but then on a second thought. off course she is a human. she must be having her own set of problems adn stresses. But whatever, for a second I felt it must be an easy life. My granny also was similar. She never stepped out of the house (for any responsibility, off course she went out for meeting friends and similar things). She completely managed the house.

But then is that what i want to do? no. I love the challenges i have in life. And I truly cannot imagine a life without its challenges. I would actually want them grow, so that i go beating through them like walking in a forest of thorns, but still coming out unbruised. Hurt yes cannot be avoided, but there is a definite fun in having loads of problems and challenges around.

sometimes it comes to my mind, is the way i am going is the right way or hers and my granny's.. as a woman?

my long hair

I have got long long hair now..and I am loving it.. I always wanted to have them. I used to always tell my mom, see mom, my hair has grown longer now.And she used to reply it is not long enough.But guess what i cant flaunt them now. although i have long hair, i cannot flaunt them as i need to bun them otherwise they keep flowing here in there in my work which is definitely not desirable.
but the point of discussion is not this. this just came to mind, that this is a cycle, you wish for something, somethings you get very soon. For some you need to wait and when you get them then you don't really need them. there would be a time when you yearned for something so badly, you were wanting to do anything to get it. but then at times when you get it, then you dont really need it.
many of us must have experienced this. i will buy this when i earn, i will buy that when i earn. but what happens when you finally earn? you don't need to buy that thing. you have surpassed that era of wanting that thing.Another good example is a guy wooing a girl does anything for her in the courtship period, but after they get married, the same girl becomes a headache to him.
It sometimes comes to my mind, that why is it so, this is again I think this is an engagement, Nature wants us to yearn for something, so that we act, we remain active, and when we finally get it, we overlook it and find something more to yearn for..thats life my dear!

and the world goes round again.

my mom must have started the same way, going to school, cribbing about siblings, the same way as i did. studying, looking out if she could make it to the best, if not best at least ok, just the same way as i did, score average, but keep working till success came..then i don't know maybe growing up. looking for alliance, getting married..
life change..
having kids..first me..studying while she was pregnant for me..
me troubling her for no reason.. husband dominating for no reason, she getting frustrated, at times finding me to vent that out..i still troubling her. not knowing how much she cares for me. then the entry of my sister, i feeling jealous, that i don't get my part of mom anymore,trying all level best to do so, studying hard to get that rank so that she would hug me, appreciate me.and look at me with her smile and not a frown. little did i know that she almost always looked at me with care, appreciated me. she lived a dream that her girls would get the best in life and live happily ever..After she died as well.
the situation is the same today..same..i got my daughter when studying.. and i too think, pray to God that she gets the best in life and does not go through any of the hurdles and ordeals that i did...

friendship

i had to write this..
my friend shubhi is coming to pune.. it will make us me, shubhi, rohini a group again. again we will be able to share the things we did in college. although not in the same way. as we all will be working now.
but my heart did miss a beat when she told me this news. it is so human to feel good to have friends. that connection, we can share with, have fun with. being in my hometown always had rohini for me. but now that we are a group again will make things more fun more nice and happy..
we can again sing 'mera tujhse hai pehle ka naata koi'
it s a wonderful feeling. no rationalization to it. it has sprung directly from my subconscious on to the front. and i am loving it..

there is nothing called as being self-less

yes there is nothing called as self less. It just dawned upon me. when i , you, or anyone on this earth says that i have'nt done this for myself but someone else, I have sacrificed and all that, does not hold true.

The logic goes this way - for example, I help a person cross the road. why? because somewhere in my second standard, my teacher has told me, it is a good thing to help people cross the road. (who cannot themselves). you will feel good. I feel good.

I feel good when I help a specially able person to do something. i take part in some charity activity at least once in my life.I feel good. I feel good when I look after my little child. Off course i dont expect her to do the same for me or give me something in return. I am already getting what i want. satisfaction deep within.

So what if I don't earn anything materialistically? I earn a lot. I earn the self - satisfaction which is a higher need as per the Maslow's hierarchy of human needs. Today my basic need is satisfied, i yearn to do something meaningful in life. Then I want to do something without any material gain.
But this gain much much more than any material gain ever. I dont feel the need to be paid back. I feel good. My soul is satisfied.

reflection? thank you God!

it is so hard to believe. how can there be a living reflection of a human being. I had never given this a thought. today when I see my own daughter who is just like me (in looks) I don't know about the behavior as she is too young for it right now. just a few days old.

I see those little twinkling eyes and feel so very good. I forget all the pain,everything around. It is almost like I am seeing my own childhood with my own eyes. would it possible otherwise? It is a very satisfying experience. her little twinkling eyes are like two small black bulbs that shine with that new and fresh look.

She sleeps most of the time. but it is a so engaging to see her sleeping as well. This is truly like a miracle that God has given me and I thank God for it..Just ask God for more strength and patience for this new role...