art by

I guess I was in sixth or eighth grade, I am not sure. There was an exhibition in my school. We had to carry some artworks. I and my mom and her artist friend, padma aunty had made this huge A-1 size peacock with peacock feathers and pistachio covers on the huge thermocol sheet..And I had put (in huge letters) Art BY- Sanmitra
I remeber, mom and me used to also go shopping, we ought to get the very unusual thing in the store or rather the street. She actually taught me to think beyond the ordinary as a kid. Then that became a habit.I kept saying that i want to do something different in my life.
I did not know the jargon of innovation or inventive that time.I even used to say I want be the greatest 'drawer'- the person who draws-artist-on the earth.And mom used to always reply by- study for now, you can keep drawing all your life. And that is exactly what I am doing currently.
I am convocating in a couple of days from the National Institute of Design.That was more like dream that mom had seen for me. She was always proud of my achievements. Be it coming first in the class or getting a good job or achieving something so specifically..I always looked forward to my result days, my birthdays, because those were the times, when mom was very sweet with me. so little moments..
How I wish she was here to see her 'ART BY' daughter convocating from the leading design institute of India. How i wish, i got that hug/ that appreciation/ that smile which only she could give. I really can't express this in words.
Sometimes it comes to my mind, that we can keep ourselves from sharing grief. But we need to share happiness, with the right people at right time.somehow this happiness seems so incomplete or at times nullified without her around.

fairy tales..

i read a lot of story books as a kid. a lot of fairy tales, where everything has a great happy ending. yes there were a lot of hardships, a lot of trouble around, but then there was a happy ending to it.
because there was not story beyond it.I still remember a lot of fairy tales around. A lot of moral stories too.. that honesty is the best policy, friend in need..etc etc..I wonder that if any of these really work.
It took me almost thirty years to understand, that here in world, nothing works better than diplomatics and politics and lies. Leave alone the fact that I still dont know how to handle it, as one needs to be good at it to handle. A very close friend of mine, says,diplomacy is not a bad thing, its a good thing to do.' But that applies only if you are best at it.
oh there are so many things that I still don't possess (qualities) to be fit in this world. I wonder if I am not fit to survive here. (Darwins's theory). I still try to find out my fairy tale world in this life. I still want to believe in Humanism, love, everything being beautiful, good..
And there are times when this also works, but very subtle. Like an old friend contacting u when u have almost dropped out any hopes of goodness. But today everythings so limited. I think - the time is so limited. Where is the time to dream like the fairy tale? But its so funny, I still am looking forward to a fairy tale, while writing this. I am still wanting to find the happy story within.
the pursuit of happines. hmmpf..

What is your caste?

I never found this question untill i got married to a guy who was not of my caste. Until, his family members did not trouble me over and over again making me remind of my caste and that i dont belong to them. I felt this got over on the marriage base.
My parents always taught me/ rather told me that I belonged to the caste of humanity.As a little kid, i believed this. I was never introduced to this caste system. Because they almost never allowed me to be in the 'caste consious' company.
But it is just recently that a new friend asked caste (i m sure not intentively, but casually)
it just came to my mind, why are these caste systems made, maybe to differentiate, the kind of customs or work in a group of people. the new caste system could hold in castes like, doctors, engineers, artists, etc. I seriously feel they cannot be used as the discretion towards ones ability or knowledge or status either..
But I guess it is a part of life, that we as Indians live with. Like it or not, we live with this, whether open or reserved. Why cant we choose to be of no caste whatsoever?

intuitive?

i left my little one at the creche today for an hour! 5 nov 2011.. so many mixed feelings. will she able to adjust, will she accept the people there. Will she cry? Will she miss me and will not adjust ? and on the other hand- will she forget me? become distant to me?
But when I gave her in the hands of the creche lady. i suddenly realized that my 14 month old had suddenly grown up. Her world had extended far beyond me. She instantly mixed up with the other little kids around..And here I was tears in my eyes while filling in the creche address book. No, I cannot explain the anxiety that had. I went back home and come much before time to pick her again.
I realized that she was learning to live the human life which is a social life. She was trying to experience, observe who and how are people behaving around her. They were different than whom she met.She is selective on whom to talk to and whom not to.
I just wonder if there is intuition happening at this age too? Do they understand intuitively whom they should talk to and whom not to? And do we as adults, loose this power. In fact do we possess it as kids?
it comes to my mind, could there be a worlds, where we talk to everyone. there would be no bad people, just good around..I know this is an impossible thinking. but 'sochne mein kya jaata hai'?

omnipresent

yes it is two years you are not around..today to be precise.. Yes I miss you a lot.But no! i still don't dare to hang a photo of yours on my wall and hang a mala over it.. no i don't want to reminded everyday that you are not with me, mom. i am still afraid, I cannot accept this that you could be present in the photo..when in actual i still cannot forget the face on the stature, with eyes closed and the skin turned blue.. I think this is more than enough for me to know that you are not there. i don't need a photo..although a lot of photoes of my mom-in-law in the house do remind me of me not putting up your photo on my wall..
i still feel like calling you or telling you about all the exciting things that happened in the day, like i used to do after school.. i still feel like sharing in jokes by actually bragging you aai, please can i tell you a joke? whenever i visit any new place or city i feel like calling you up and giving way to my anxiety, sharing all that i can.
it is just some time ago that my sister told me that i cannot be omnipresent for my daughter and i should stop trying to be with her all the time for her own good.i completely agree to it..
but sometimes it really comes to my mind, aai you are not there physically but i am sure you are there (omnipresent)for me by not being present physically..

how close is close?

the experience was so different. generally she keeps wiggling in my arms wants to set free, scream , cry, laugh..but today i felt that she was actually trying to feel my warmth..this is such a different feeling. i had placed my hand on her tummy. the hand off course almost covered her torso. She laid quiet..holding my hand and rubbing her sweet little finger on them.
i don't know. was she trying to feel the touch she had recognized from her birth now. was it a different feeling to her mind? i wish she could speak and i could ask her..but she kept smiling.. she was so happy that i could give her time, be by her side..
this relation of a mother daughter is so self contenting.. was it for the first time or did i not notice this before due to being busy? this relationship with her- i hope it flourishes more, i and saee share a relation above every else in the world..
i feel she is gonna be everything for me.. i hope she feels the same..this closeness is so much ahead of any other closeness..

kolkata - perception of beauty..

i always wanted to be here as a kid. the idea of Rabindranath Tagore's shantiniketan was a beautiful idea to me as a fourth standard kid. of having a free school.. I did go to a free school for PG that is NID , National Institute of Design, but the feeling I had as a kid was really different, cool..
Also the Parineeta. Chokher Bali, the beauty of those movies. I always found the Bengali girls beautiful. I always felt that Kolkata is the most romantic city in India..I also had a beautiful roommate Ananya..I always felt there is something behind those huge kajole laden eyes of the Bengali beauties..
I came here and hardly found any beauties, Nor did the city look beautiful in the todays standards of beauties.. I did see a couple of beautiful girls though.. I think it was more of this pre- positive - thinking that makes me feel that Kolkata is still beautiful..
I loved it. I liked the British Architecture buildings everywhere.. the high roofed places which give a soothing feeling.. in the scatteredness of this city, i still think it is beautiful it is well spaced. It is nice..
Sometimes it comes to my mind. so many years of thinking that Kolkata must be beautiful, makes it look more than life beautiful to me..would it not be great if I could think of everything in my life like that? that would make everything so positive in life..