I spoke to my little angel for the first time today. Not that i never spoke before but i think she understood what i said today for the first time. She is not well since 4 days. But today she was able to sit as she is recovering. I told her- I promised her - I will be by her side, will not leave her alone. i will try my best to do everything possible for her so that she would not face the problems i did. so that she will live a more beautiful and better life. I told her grow biigggg!! be a successful person with a few hand gestures. And she signaled as though she understood everything..i felt so nice.. this was the first conversation we had..
it just comes to my mind, will she understand, did she understand? will she.... - nah I don't want to expect. This is gonna be a give-only-love relationship.And I love the way it is..I simply love the twinkle in her eyes, ever seen she is born- those two little shining black lights.. :)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
every-day is good
Oh the good old days- yes this is what we all feel. We all feel there was a time when i used to happy.. but if we really remember, during that happy time - did we think that there will be a day that we will be happier. that we will have that happiest day in life. NO I don't think there is any Happiest day.. because all days are happy. just that we realize it a little too later.
In school, i always felt- Oh! when I will start earning I will be happiest, then I will be able to buy all that I want. And now when that is really the case, I think so what if I can buy everything i need? I still want that birthday gift I used to get in school. That free life.
Responsibility. That is the word - and bang! you come back to reality. You come out of that looking into the beautiful old days.. Yes maybe today we are more responsible than yesterday. and tomorrow will be more. and more.
So it just came to my mind- this actually means that today this moment - I can share with my colleagues, my daughter, my kin, my friends is happy. live it fullest. and yes it will never come back.. never. .but it is there to stay now!! feels good.
In school, i always felt- Oh! when I will start earning I will be happiest, then I will be able to buy all that I want. And now when that is really the case, I think so what if I can buy everything i need? I still want that birthday gift I used to get in school. That free life.
Responsibility. That is the word - and bang! you come back to reality. You come out of that looking into the beautiful old days.. Yes maybe today we are more responsible than yesterday. and tomorrow will be more. and more.
So it just came to my mind- this actually means that today this moment - I can share with my colleagues, my daughter, my kin, my friends is happy. live it fullest. and yes it will never come back.. never. .but it is there to stay now!! feels good.
Monday, December 12, 2011
THREE ZERO - thirty
Awwww..... I still cant get hold of it.. I suddenly have to be a grown up. I still look back to my childhood for problem solution activities. I have still so much to do which I haven't done.
I had decided a few things to do after i start earning. It is a very funny list. I am sure everyone has one..
1.I wanted to buy my own Barbie, her doll house, her new dresses. hehe.
2.I wanted to go to a place full of nature, all alone, and stand there in open air like they do in Titanic.
3.I wanted to wear all fashionable things, which I could not as a kid.(which i have never tried and i don't think now i will or can)
4.I wanted to own all the story books in the world.
5.I wanted to drive on my own, a plane, fly in sky.
6.Draw anyone live to utter perfection. (life drawing)
7.learn one language per year (so that i will know the amount of languages per year of life)
8.i wanted to start a women's - all girls movement to be self - sufficient
9.I wanted a make-up kit, with all color lipstick (leave alone the fact that i don't use lipstick now.)
10..
11..
all kinds of mad things..
I agree, adults are kids with money. I still look forward to fulfill these childhood dreams, just that i have a child now too. Hence we will be two kid together, One child - one year old, and another thirty year old - tomorrow..
sometimes it just comes to my mind, that irrespective however old we get, we do keep looking back into our childhood to wish for dreams and to fulfill them ..
I am happy i will be living again..
I had decided a few things to do after i start earning. It is a very funny list. I am sure everyone has one..
1.I wanted to buy my own Barbie, her doll house, her new dresses. hehe.
2.I wanted to go to a place full of nature, all alone, and stand there in open air like they do in Titanic.
3.I wanted to wear all fashionable things, which I could not as a kid.(which i have never tried and i don't think now i will or can)
4.I wanted to own all the story books in the world.
5.I wanted to drive on my own, a plane, fly in sky.
6.Draw anyone live to utter perfection. (life drawing)
7.learn one language per year (so that i will know the amount of languages per year of life)
8.i wanted to start a women's - all girls movement to be self - sufficient
9.I wanted a make-up kit, with all color lipstick (leave alone the fact that i don't use lipstick now.)
10..
11..
all kinds of mad things..
I agree, adults are kids with money. I still look forward to fulfill these childhood dreams, just that i have a child now too. Hence we will be two kid together, One child - one year old, and another thirty year old - tomorrow..
sometimes it just comes to my mind, that irrespective however old we get, we do keep looking back into our childhood to wish for dreams and to fulfill them ..
I am happy i will be living again..
Friday, December 2, 2011
art by
I guess I was in sixth or eighth grade, I am not sure. There was an exhibition in my school. We had to carry some artworks. I and my mom and her artist friend, padma aunty had made this huge A-1 size peacock with peacock feathers and pistachio covers on the huge thermocol sheet..And I had put (in huge letters) Art BY- Sanmitra
I remeber, mom and me used to also go shopping, we ought to get the very unusual thing in the store or rather the street. She actually taught me to think beyond the ordinary as a kid. Then that became a habit.I kept saying that i want to do something different in my life.
I did not know the jargon of innovation or inventive that time.I even used to say I want be the greatest 'drawer'- the person who draws-artist-on the earth.And mom used to always reply by- study for now, you can keep drawing all your life. And that is exactly what I am doing currently.
I am convocating in a couple of days from the National Institute of Design.That was more like dream that mom had seen for me. She was always proud of my achievements. Be it coming first in the class or getting a good job or achieving something so specifically..I always looked forward to my result days, my birthdays, because those were the times, when mom was very sweet with me. so little moments..
How I wish she was here to see her 'ART BY' daughter convocating from the leading design institute of India. How i wish, i got that hug/ that appreciation/ that smile which only she could give. I really can't express this in words.
Sometimes it comes to my mind, that we can keep ourselves from sharing grief. But we need to share happiness, with the right people at right time.somehow this happiness seems so incomplete or at times nullified without her around.
I remeber, mom and me used to also go shopping, we ought to get the very unusual thing in the store or rather the street. She actually taught me to think beyond the ordinary as a kid. Then that became a habit.I kept saying that i want to do something different in my life.
I did not know the jargon of innovation or inventive that time.I even used to say I want be the greatest 'drawer'- the person who draws-artist-on the earth.And mom used to always reply by- study for now, you can keep drawing all your life. And that is exactly what I am doing currently.
I am convocating in a couple of days from the National Institute of Design.That was more like dream that mom had seen for me. She was always proud of my achievements. Be it coming first in the class or getting a good job or achieving something so specifically..I always looked forward to my result days, my birthdays, because those were the times, when mom was very sweet with me. so little moments..
How I wish she was here to see her 'ART BY' daughter convocating from the leading design institute of India. How i wish, i got that hug/ that appreciation/ that smile which only she could give. I really can't express this in words.
Sometimes it comes to my mind, that we can keep ourselves from sharing grief. But we need to share happiness, with the right people at right time.somehow this happiness seems so incomplete or at times nullified without her around.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
fairy tales..
i read a lot of story books as a kid. a lot of fairy tales, where everything has a great happy ending. yes there were a lot of hardships, a lot of trouble around, but then there was a happy ending to it.
because there was not story beyond it.I still remember a lot of fairy tales around. A lot of moral stories too.. that honesty is the best policy, friend in need..etc etc..I wonder that if any of these really work.
It took me almost thirty years to understand, that here in world, nothing works better than diplomatics and politics and lies. Leave alone the fact that I still dont know how to handle it, as one needs to be good at it to handle. A very close friend of mine, says,diplomacy is not a bad thing, its a good thing to do.' But that applies only if you are best at it.
oh there are so many things that I still don't possess (qualities) to be fit in this world. I wonder if I am not fit to survive here. (Darwins's theory). I still try to find out my fairy tale world in this life. I still want to believe in Humanism, love, everything being beautiful, good..
And there are times when this also works, but very subtle. Like an old friend contacting u when u have almost dropped out any hopes of goodness. But today everythings so limited. I think - the time is so limited. Where is the time to dream like the fairy tale? But its so funny, I still am looking forward to a fairy tale, while writing this. I am still wanting to find the happy story within.
the pursuit of happines. hmmpf..
because there was not story beyond it.I still remember a lot of fairy tales around. A lot of moral stories too.. that honesty is the best policy, friend in need..etc etc..I wonder that if any of these really work.
It took me almost thirty years to understand, that here in world, nothing works better than diplomatics and politics and lies. Leave alone the fact that I still dont know how to handle it, as one needs to be good at it to handle. A very close friend of mine, says,diplomacy is not a bad thing, its a good thing to do.' But that applies only if you are best at it.
oh there are so many things that I still don't possess (qualities) to be fit in this world. I wonder if I am not fit to survive here. (Darwins's theory). I still try to find out my fairy tale world in this life. I still want to believe in Humanism, love, everything being beautiful, good..
And there are times when this also works, but very subtle. Like an old friend contacting u when u have almost dropped out any hopes of goodness. But today everythings so limited. I think - the time is so limited. Where is the time to dream like the fairy tale? But its so funny, I still am looking forward to a fairy tale, while writing this. I am still wanting to find the happy story within.
the pursuit of happines. hmmpf..
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
What is your caste?
I never found this question untill i got married to a guy who was not of my caste. Until, his family members did not trouble me over and over again making me remind of my caste and that i dont belong to them. I felt this got over on the marriage base.
My parents always taught me/ rather told me that I belonged to the caste of humanity.As a little kid, i believed this. I was never introduced to this caste system. Because they almost never allowed me to be in the 'caste consious' company.
But it is just recently that a new friend asked caste (i m sure not intentively, but casually)
it just came to my mind, why are these caste systems made, maybe to differentiate, the kind of customs or work in a group of people. the new caste system could hold in castes like, doctors, engineers, artists, etc. I seriously feel they cannot be used as the discretion towards ones ability or knowledge or status either..
But I guess it is a part of life, that we as Indians live with. Like it or not, we live with this, whether open or reserved. Why cant we choose to be of no caste whatsoever?
My parents always taught me/ rather told me that I belonged to the caste of humanity.As a little kid, i believed this. I was never introduced to this caste system. Because they almost never allowed me to be in the 'caste consious' company.
But it is just recently that a new friend asked caste (i m sure not intentively, but casually)
it just came to my mind, why are these caste systems made, maybe to differentiate, the kind of customs or work in a group of people. the new caste system could hold in castes like, doctors, engineers, artists, etc. I seriously feel they cannot be used as the discretion towards ones ability or knowledge or status either..
But I guess it is a part of life, that we as Indians live with. Like it or not, we live with this, whether open or reserved. Why cant we choose to be of no caste whatsoever?
Friday, November 4, 2011
intuitive?
i left my little one at the creche today for an hour! 5 nov 2011.. so many mixed feelings. will she able to adjust, will she accept the people there. Will she cry? Will she miss me and will not adjust ? and on the other hand- will she forget me? become distant to me?
But when I gave her in the hands of the creche lady. i suddenly realized that my 14 month old had suddenly grown up. Her world had extended far beyond me. She instantly mixed up with the other little kids around..And here I was tears in my eyes while filling in the creche address book. No, I cannot explain the anxiety that had. I went back home and come much before time to pick her again.
I realized that she was learning to live the human life which is a social life. She was trying to experience, observe who and how are people behaving around her. They were different than whom she met.She is selective on whom to talk to and whom not to.
I just wonder if there is intuition happening at this age too? Do they understand intuitively whom they should talk to and whom not to? And do we as adults, loose this power. In fact do we possess it as kids?
it comes to my mind, could there be a worlds, where we talk to everyone. there would be no bad people, just good around..I know this is an impossible thinking. but 'sochne mein kya jaata hai'?
But when I gave her in the hands of the creche lady. i suddenly realized that my 14 month old had suddenly grown up. Her world had extended far beyond me. She instantly mixed up with the other little kids around..And here I was tears in my eyes while filling in the creche address book. No, I cannot explain the anxiety that had. I went back home and come much before time to pick her again.
I realized that she was learning to live the human life which is a social life. She was trying to experience, observe who and how are people behaving around her. They were different than whom she met.She is selective on whom to talk to and whom not to.
I just wonder if there is intuition happening at this age too? Do they understand intuitively whom they should talk to and whom not to? And do we as adults, loose this power. In fact do we possess it as kids?
it comes to my mind, could there be a worlds, where we talk to everyone. there would be no bad people, just good around..I know this is an impossible thinking. but 'sochne mein kya jaata hai'?
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