Does one really have to be perfect to be loved ? What is perfect ?

With the love season on, there are some couples celebrating. There are singles, there are people happy with the love they have. The kind of love they have. That human need of belonging, that human need of wanting to be appreciated, looked upon with loving eyes, cared for and looked after. Being on our own, being single forever looks different. We don't really find stories that may suggest greatness in being on our own. 

Do we love that little baby. So cute. So lovely. The mom needs to actually see the ugly picture of having the baby. Let's say parents. They are the ones who do everything for the baby, take care of the baby and love the baby as much. 

Why does this change when it comes to love wherein there are partners involved ? Does this change. 

Can we look into ourselves, find out, are we actually perfect enough to be loved? 

So, wait. What is perfect? The one's that showed in the movies, the writer's imaginations? the marketeer's message? Is giving diamonds when you are extremely old perfect ? Is making that perfect cup of tea/ coffee perfect? Is being the specified figure, specified skin color, specified caste, nationality perfect? 

What is it that is perfect enough ? Are babies perfect enough ? Are models perfect enough ?  Are celebrities perfect ? Are the Royals perfect ? Are politicians perfect ? There is a poetic concept of a bird who lives on drinking from the light that the stars emit. Is that bird perfect? Actually nothing is. 

There are little little things that we love in the person we love. That attracts us to that person and then we continue loving that person for them. There are imperfections too. We either communicate or adjust to these imperfections. We accept the people we love as in. Love them unconditionally. But then maybe until we can bear those imperfections. There is definitely a time when we call it quits when we cannot bear those imperfections. Then we miss the company. We miss the companionship. 

We love people until we can. Maybe people love us until then can. No one's perfect. 

Are we perfect enough ? Do we think we are ? Do we really need to be perfect to be loved ? 

Unconditional Love for all the singles out there.

 I love love. It is the feeling that makes that chirping in the heart. Brings in a ear to ear smile. Those goosebumps. Oh, is this just the valentines wala love ? 

We humans keep finding reasons to come together, jump around, frolic, have fun and be merry. We are social animals. Then be it Diwali, Christmas, Valentines, Independence day parade, or even a funeral. We look forward to coming together. 

I checked my own track record for the valentines. Did I ever get to be on a valentine's date? the romantic rosy table spread, the candle light, the love love love, blah blah. No, Never. Even when I was married. No, this is not a sad day. 

I had so much of compensation to this 'above' loss. I have celebrated almost every valentines with my loved ones. My friends, the people who care for me. In fact because I had these stupid ideas (ok, not so stupid - just in my defense), one of my friends actually gave me a red rose getting from a street corner, getting in the bus dramatically and presenting it to me. 

I have had my share of a candle light dinner with Fish-fry (that's my friends petname), wherein we had just the exact fun as in the fairy-tale majestique stories. I have had my share of so much of giggling and frolicks in the so called traditional places like Vaishali on FC road literally gorging on the Sabudana wada for brunch. 

Love has been at every single place along with some at the traditional places. It has been the love that I have received from my friends colleagues, people around, everywhere. I have had those little parties where in we (at least 10 people) have taken numerous pictures of happiness together. I have people who get me chocolates on my birthday despite my age.  

That unconditional love, currently I have a huge source of it, I have given birth to it. Your kid loves you unconditionally. 

Your parents do. There is no calculation, give n take, I did this, you did this there. 

I just got a coffee in the morning with I love you written on it. 

It is about feeling great when you give too. How about simply spreading love as an when. Just being there for a friend. Does love have to only come from that one person who is expected to be dramatically taking you on a date on that day ? How about loving without a commitment of marriage / forever ? Can love be around by just giving a ear to a person who wants to simply pour his / her heart out ? I was a little sad yesterday that in this global festival of love, I didnt really have the typical 'i love u forever' love (yeah yeah, like always - acting a little damsel in distress).

But reminding myself of all the above kinds of love has refreshed me again to same old (yes, getting there) jumpy self. There's so much love around, and there is so much to give too. 

There's a lot of love. So good that there are people around who love me as much. Despite me being me. 

Does one really have to be perfect to be loved ? What is perfect ? 

What is a normal family ?

I had this incident wherein a woman, a single mother, a Doctorate working at a very reputed place gas-lighted us (me and my kid) by telling us a story of a mother - daughter duo who committed suicide since they had reached dangerous levels of freedom. My kid did not understand the meaning of suicide then. Thank God for that. She added that she got a kid via IVF and hence is a single mother & her kid does not come from a broken family. She is supported by her parents to take care of the baby & so her family is complete. As of today, I truly do not know who gave her the moral right to call my family as a broken family. 

I was amazed & shocked at her analogy, but she came from a position of power and hence I could  not immediately say anything to her. I did not or do not disrespect/ judge her for her IVF kid. I truly believe it's the woman who needs to be able to take a decision on her body, bear a child or not, and in a way feasible, comfortable & possible for her. But calling my family as broken was not acceptable. 

I had searched for-who are the great people raised by single moms & Barack Obama showed up as a result on google. That did give some peace to my mind.  

Another related incident. I pay fees for my kid. The accountant there had a major problem with simply replacing the payer's name as my name. I wanted it there since I pay the fees & could use the receipt for taxes. She reasoned that the software the school used could not intake the mother's name. Coming from a software background, I tried to reason back that it must be a software cliche that you could simply change. I had walk to the Principal's office to complain after which this was taken care of - because the Principal is a good & understanding female. 

But these little incidents - on what is a family have always stayed.  

Thought I will write on this concept - Family. What is a normal family. 

We have seen this assignment given to us as a kid. Draw a family tree.  A father, Mother, Children. Grandparents, relatives etc. This looked like a definition of the family, generalized by the society. And people literally give their lives for this perfect looking family. (whatsoever may be happening within). There used to be a concept of hum do humare do (we are a couple, let's have 2 kids only). A campaign by Govt of India to gently ask people to have no more than 2 kids. I still remember the visual. The glass bottle, 2 tomatoes were added and the moment one more tomato was added, the tomatoes were crushed together. In that sense we are way more spaced out and doing great in here. 

Then there are these questions about one's family generally to be answered as a part of an introduction. 

A few illustrations of the typical questions - where do your grandparents stay ? Oh, it is a nuclear family, not a joint family ? & another famous one, Oh, you both are girls (siblings), No brother ? As a kid it was difficult to fathom that this question was derogatory. Over the period of years, the questions have changed. A little bit. Oh, it is a nuclear family ? Is it a love marriage ? Inter-caste ? What is your caste (That has still not updated itself in the 21st century). Oh, Love cum arranged ? Oh, yeah that is the norm now-a days. 

Then to now, where in my kid is asked, oh, Only you and your mom in the family ? Where is your father? Have you seen him? Does he come to see you ? 

All and all, I truly want to ask - what is it that you will do out of your curiosity of asking ? of commenting ? 

Here are some options you may consider - 

1. Give a son for adoption to the family who does not have a son. (first clear your head on why a son)

2. Become a foster parent/ grandparent by helping out in a family without one. 

3. Write a thesis on the great Indian Family system. 

4. Also, think of redefining your question to, Oh, you have a single parent, I wonder how do they take care of everything alone ? / something more positive, so that the kid is exposed to feeling left out, of not of a 'not normal' family. 

5. None of the above. 

Rather you will actually be traumatizing the individual by asking those questions. & proving your worth and intelligence. Because there is no such thing as a normal family.  Every single family is special. Family in fact is a group of people who love each other & are hence together. We may soon see same sex couple families in India. Why not just be open, welcome each family in our lives ? 

Our family stands out. A single parent & the kid. Smiling happily, no pretense, just love. 

Please. Control your inquisitiveness. Keep your judgement to yourself. 

No, I am not interested. Never was.

Yes, I am a single mother, divorced due to domestic violence. (see, I had to write the reason, otherwise how would you get a closure ? )

A little background. I am a short, fat, not so pretty looking person, who knows how to take a great selfie. That's the only place wherein I may look fabulous. What I do bank on, is the capacity of my brain, intellect and fearlessness always expressed in truth. I have been told i look snobbish until I smile. Yes, the famous resting bitch face & i can scare people with my eyes. And that I have huge walls built in, around me. I do. Because I want to be safe. For me and my family. Simple. 

This blog was triggered by a random message - video how to floss your teeth, at 1 am today by the home owner of the place I have rented. No, I don't suspect that he did it on purpose. But the first thing I did was to change my whatsapp picture. And I remembered that I was a little nice to him the other day by helping him with RO water because he was stuck in the building due to the farmer's agitation. 

or

I join this school group. I am super excited, to see all my school friends in it. I love the fact that I can interact with my school, college buddies. Then there is this - what do  I do what do you do question. Yes, I tell the truth. I am single mom. there you go! Boys who never looked at me during school or college, suddenly start DM. saying I want to tell you something. Seeing a few happenings, I have been bluntly saying - Listen, I am single. But if you look forward to some time-pass stuff. I am not in for it. Let me know if you want to talk about anything else. 

And hey, have you checked? Are you single ? Did you forget you have a wife and a few kids at home ? The same svelte figure you opted for ? And also, I don't want your gyan on how should I reduce my weight and your MLM. I have a suggestion for you rather - Can you get some hair on your scalp ? - you are getting bald! 

or

There have been outright assumptions also. Oho, you are a single mom, I respect your courage. blah blah. and then a couple of days later. Suggestions on dos and do not's on Tinder!!! Are you effing serious ?  And with a line saying that I might have needs. Who on earth are you to judge my needs ? Are you paying my rent or bills ? writing my PhD ? News flash - those are needs. 

Solution - from my side - I should lie and tell everyone, my husband is merchant navy / or in the US (oh that's a pet one). 

or

The women. The girl-friends. Who will suddenly call out their husbands to them if they happen to talk to me in the event I was invited by the girl friend herself. What!!! I have not intention. Please. You take care of your shit! Don't tell me the amount of times you complain about your husband and in law. How exactly are you in peace with yourself ?  Solution - from my side. Bro-zone every single girl friends husband. So easy! oh, that is practice I follow and recommend. 

Again, the women : I have actually seen, married - the mangalsutra and the diamond ring wearers actually checking out guys top to bottom (no kidding here) and linking me to any damn person only because I don't walk around with a guy! With all due respect to that any guy I am linked to, I don't want to be linked. It is that simple. NO. It is not funny. 

So, what should I be doing ? Being deliberately rude to people so that they stay away ? Dress like a man? No, I don't want to. I like to dress feminine and love to believe that I look great in those selfies of mine. And I do want to thank people who help me actually in good words. Is that a crime ?

Should I move away from such situations ? 

NO. I refuse to run away. I wrote back to the flat owner - kindly message me within 8 am to 8 pm. That's something I have communicated this to every single person around. If you do not find time within those 12 hours and it is really necessary that you communicate. Wait for the next day / apologize. 

I would like to be normal friends, colleague, classmates irrespective of the gender. No, I am not interested in you or anyone. Never was. Did not find you to be special enough.

This is my dignity. My life. 

Just adding in a good profile picture does not mean I am open to dating. Or anything at all. Damn, I finish my PhD thesis than writing this here. But I wanted to make a point. Please let live. Women are humans too. 

And please if you are actually serious about even saying a hello with affection, you might as well think twice if you have the ability to even think of talking to a person like me who is self made, can write the above stuff, has an ambition in life, and is not afraid to speak her mind out in the room full of misogynists (not always men - being misogynist is gender agnostic).

Might as well do the 500 word write up, (in good English, check spellings and grammar). You! 

 

Life & The End of Life.

To dear (whoever is thinking of a suicide). 

Today, Sheetal Amte's demise brought in all those difficult times that I chose to stay away from uncomfortable confrontations towards my values in life. Not everyone can do so. Today's world does not allow people to live with values. I look down on myself of ignoring & letting some uncomfortable situations just passing by and me not reacting to them. Though I did convey that I will not be doing anything beyond and above the values I am brought up in. 

I am a miniscule human. Sheetal wasn't. She had the legacy of Social work which she carried with poise and very simply enough. I was connected to her via phone, social media & was going to conduct an instagram live with her. She was so much interested in Design & art. She said she did not have enough money to go to NID. She thought only the super wealthy go there. Before I even thought of correcting her there, she quipped that she did medicine to help people better. I respected her for that and we trudged along the conversation on her acts of preservation and uplift-ment of people. She was so approachable, so close via the conversations, that it felt we were together since long. We shared the purpose. She used to be so excited about Design, Art.  Whenever I called, she was full of life. She narrated that we created so many masks, I am taking to the centre. Delivering, packing them myself. With zero ego and attitude. 

We Maharashtrians, (whoa, no, I am not getting into the Marathi, non-Marathi debacle here) are brought up with some values in the order of - 1. Education, 2. Values. 3. Giving to the society, 4. Earning, 5. then Profit/ surplus. I identify myself as a Maharashtrian since I lived there for 95 percent of life as of yet. We happen to constitute a major part of the middle class due to that. There may be a lot more people from other states who may have a similar way of thinking. Though I am not sure. This is the structure I inherited from my parents, my grandparents who believe in communism, liberal thinking and giving to the society. To first give then eat the remaining. There is this famous story of 1 sesame seed been divided in seven parts so that each one gets equal. And I am still talking of my own family here who have given to the society but surely not as much. 

People may have different values than this and my blog is not a judgement. But there are so many things that I am intolerant to. A very simple one is being called as selfish. Because of the above teachings. There are so many values that I have lived for a very long time only because I was brought up likewise and would still be hurt or offended if commented otherwise. It is difficult to develop a thicker skin. I cry. As of today. I am sensitive. Due to the amount of meanness around. Lack of values around. Also seeing the rewards given to the valueless and terming the excellent liars as smarts. People simply make a statement that you should develop a thick skin. Is it ? Is it that simple ? Sensitive people are hurt. 

I may not choose or have the courage to end my life in the quest of survival & that my little one depends on me, but when such an incident of friend committing suicide occurs, a little part of me dies everyday. Every single day. I truly want to help as much as I can. I know that corner that one may get into wherein ending life could only seem as the best solution. We should all try to get out of it alive. & saying this is way easier. Always. We should all try and check if someone is in that corner, at all. Pull that person out. As much. 

I did not think I might have to write or even say something about death for anyone my age'ish soon. Ending one's life can never be the solution. 

Dear world, please be kind to people around. Please be kind to people who want to work for people without asking for anything in return. 

You may not be so. But such people exist. Always. DONT DOUBT their intentions. 

Love you Sheetal. You have touched so many lives in so less years. Your work will live forever. 

The Cake, the chatter and the language I didnt understand & the fact that no one understood my language

ok, I never thought i would do this.

But i needed a way out of the chitter chatter of the clicketty clacketty keyboard. the scrolling of the phone to something else.
A new entry to my brain. Aah ok. I know. The day I will stop learning something new will definitely be the doom day for me. Whatever. Anyways.
I joined a baking course. I remember aai doing the course with so much of love and care.
And somehow there were so many dreams that were coming my way, I thought I should explore this and make my daughter happy. Not to mention the peer pressure of baking. blah blah blah.
My daughter is happy. Touchwood. She is that little thing who still does not know how to hate her mom. Or touchwood, she is the person who loves me unconditionally. (but the cake making her happy makes me happy).
The class started with a bang. Jayan Kaykay who is conducting this course also is such a positive person. The course opened with one opening by a sister (nun) in portugal. First time that I saw a real nun albeit virtually. The first thought that crossed my mind was giving was so beautiful. Always. It again reminded of the little dream I should not have seen.
You cannot eat sweets alone, you share them. is what Jayan says.
Irma (the nun), said make anything with lots of love. And you will be fine.
Everyone in that class talks in Malayalam. I dont understand their language and vice versa. I feel so free that i can simply express and no one will understand. In this case no understanding = no judging. That is an awesome feeling.

Anyways. 

We made bel de coco. (fancy hm ?) Coconut had to be dessicated or (khowna). And I, after a full gap of 3 -4 years, was able to crack the coconut open and desicate the whole number. 5 of them. and then egg beating for more than 50 minutes. phew! Gosh a huge thing for little hand. Achievement. All for the new thing I started and the dream I saw.

I simply forgot, I could not do so much in a day. down with fever during Corona, swollen palms super red hands, but oho so much of satiation in my heart.
Those hours in baking did make me forget everything else. Everything.

Until the evening when i love seeing that sunset in my balcony. if possible with coffee and a book. albeit alone. Wishing I could share those evenings some day.

Sometimes it does come to my mind. Is wishing and expecting the same. No. It isnt.
Holding that turf of not expecting anything is so very important. 

There are some dreams you are not supposed to see.

Yes, we did check up on the expectations from people. 

Most of the times they are a build up in our mind, due to what everyone else acts, or has expectations, rather worse enough social media where there is a direct comparison. 

We expect from our parents, siblings, people whom we love. 

Every new relationship comes with an expectation. No. not the expectation that the person has from you. (oh, that too). but it comes with your expectation from that person. That primary surge of expectation in new friendships (again according to the worldly standards). That continuous supply of expectations from your fiance, spouse, your parents, your relatives which somehow does not frizzle out as much. one or two pieces always lie down there in the corner of your heart. 

I dont know whether it is age catching up or my lovely encounter with North India wherein there is absolutely no space for new friendships. 

It is just about a give and take. You do this for me. I will do this for you. I will give you this gossip and you give me this gossip or information, whatever. There is no selfless giving here. No there isnt. Looking at the amount of gossip seen as an entertainment does make you realize that whatever you may be talking from your heart may be seen as spilling beans and used as the next script of gossip and judgement. (Unless you want to entertain people). 

North India has taught me to survive with minimal contact with people. Having no new relationships. Very few people have become great contacts, friend scale yes, a little bit. But do I have any expectations from them ? No. I don't. Here people teach you that. They teach you frizzling out on relationships pretty quickly. Ghosting. I know what that means.(in friendships). People simply dont respond, if they don't want to keep a simple promise of calling you or seeing you or visiting you.  You see the blue tick going and a call coming in when they need something. 

I still remember a conversation with a North Indian friend of mine (in Pune), as to how should i disinterest someone. anyone. That. I have learned. Because people here frizzle out. People here know how to disinterest me. (another friend had called me chep, because I happened to stick to people irrespective of their behavior towards me.) I thought I was being good by being forgiving. enough.  

Guess what? All that makes one independent.   

Financial independence is something. 

but emotional independence? Nothing matches it. 

This feeling is good. Of being devoid of expectations. I think I have achieved it. Post ten years of writing this blog which kinda circled around that feeling. 

I am just lucky that I dont expect from my kid from the beginning. 

Getting involved in new people, not trying to establish a relationship,  that is something I need to work on. Maybe just enjoy the rainbow while it lasts. no attachment. no expectation. but lot of dishonesty. (yahan sab aisehi chalta hai). Thats how life is. 

It just came to my mind. 

There are some dreams you are not supposed to see.

 

Just makes life easier. High time I do that.