omnipresent

yes it is two years you are not around..today to be precise.. Yes I miss you a lot.But no! i still don't dare to hang a photo of yours on my wall and hang a mala over it.. no i don't want to reminded everyday that you are not with me, mom. i am still afraid, I cannot accept this that you could be present in the photo..when in actual i still cannot forget the face on the stature, with eyes closed and the skin turned blue.. I think this is more than enough for me to know that you are not there. i don't need a photo..although a lot of photoes of my mom-in-law in the house do remind me of me not putting up your photo on my wall..
i still feel like calling you or telling you about all the exciting things that happened in the day, like i used to do after school.. i still feel like sharing in jokes by actually bragging you aai, please can i tell you a joke? whenever i visit any new place or city i feel like calling you up and giving way to my anxiety, sharing all that i can.
it is just some time ago that my sister told me that i cannot be omnipresent for my daughter and i should stop trying to be with her all the time for her own good.i completely agree to it..
but sometimes it really comes to my mind, aai you are not there physically but i am sure you are there (omnipresent)for me by not being present physically..

how close is close?

the experience was so different. generally she keeps wiggling in my arms wants to set free, scream , cry, laugh..but today i felt that she was actually trying to feel my warmth..this is such a different feeling. i had placed my hand on her tummy. the hand off course almost covered her torso. She laid quiet..holding my hand and rubbing her sweet little finger on them.
i don't know. was she trying to feel the touch she had recognized from her birth now. was it a different feeling to her mind? i wish she could speak and i could ask her..but she kept smiling.. she was so happy that i could give her time, be by her side..
this relation of a mother daughter is so self contenting.. was it for the first time or did i not notice this before due to being busy? this relationship with her- i hope it flourishes more, i and saee share a relation above every else in the world..
i feel she is gonna be everything for me.. i hope she feels the same..this closeness is so much ahead of any other closeness..

kolkata - perception of beauty..

i always wanted to be here as a kid. the idea of Rabindranath Tagore's shantiniketan was a beautiful idea to me as a fourth standard kid. of having a free school.. I did go to a free school for PG that is NID , National Institute of Design, but the feeling I had as a kid was really different, cool..
Also the Parineeta. Chokher Bali, the beauty of those movies. I always found the Bengali girls beautiful. I always felt that Kolkata is the most romantic city in India..I also had a beautiful roommate Ananya..I always felt there is something behind those huge kajole laden eyes of the Bengali beauties..
I came here and hardly found any beauties, Nor did the city look beautiful in the todays standards of beauties.. I did see a couple of beautiful girls though.. I think it was more of this pre- positive - thinking that makes me feel that Kolkata is still beautiful..
I loved it. I liked the British Architecture buildings everywhere.. the high roofed places which give a soothing feeling.. in the scatteredness of this city, i still think it is beautiful it is well spaced. It is nice..
Sometimes it comes to my mind. so many years of thinking that Kolkata must be beautiful, makes it look more than life beautiful to me..would it not be great if I could think of everything in my life like that? that would make everything so positive in life..

coming back to life..

just got some free time, so I called up my long lost friends. courtesy FB off course. I got the phone numbers from it.
it just came to my mind, that FB shows me that these friends do what, go where, tell me about their minds, everything.. still the satisfaction that i got after I called them was immense.It was too cool..felt good. even listening to what they said made me understand their world...I was just a listener...
as a chain of events, this uplifted my mood like anything. It would obviously.. i am so much a peoples person and it is almost 9- 10 months that i don't interact a lot with the outer world. it is just me and my baby (which is equally satisfying but the feel is different)I sat that night and did 3 paintings,actually 1 full two half :) acrylics on canvas, and suddenly that smell of the acrylic paint made me feel good..so many little things give so much pleasure to life. there is no need of anything ''high-fundu'' for that..
doing something just for the whim of it gives super duper pleasure which nothing else can.. specially not an assignment..
so natural for a human mind to feel good when free rather than strangled in the day to day deadlines..

am i missing myself?

where have been..God. i dunno..a little kid and the whole world changes.. so less energy i have and so little time.. i have forgetten how to take time and write and take time to read , draw.. oh where is my sweet time?
ye si was busy before too..but now maybe i am engaged too
when she stays away from me , she stays with some one. but then when I return to her, dhe cries and tries to tell me where have u been i need u .. how can u be away from me..
that bothers me. nake me feel.. what is hte right thing to do to be with her or work so that i am able to provide for her.. it is so very tempting to be with her.. I remember the autumn and sonata..And i still dont know what to do ..

innocence-have i lost mine?

i happened to meet a lady while travelling. this lady was a "pure" home maker. her world was me, my husband, my kids. My happiness is lies in the happiness of my kids, so on and so forth. so much like the ekta kapoor serial. Yes there are people who truly exist. This lady was not even exposed to various things in life. For her a mall was the only place of difference. For her it was fun and enjoyment. Little was she worried about the Japan incident or maybe even the India Pakistan match. She was merrily happy in her own world. So much of innocence. The word independence was not even there in her dictionary. or it just meant something different.

I met her. I felt jealous. For her happiness. I am exposed to a lot things makes me more fortunate though. But does not make me stress free like her. this is what i felt as the primary feeling. but then on a second thought. off course she is a human. she must be having her own set of problems adn stresses. But whatever, for a second I felt it must be an easy life. My granny also was similar. She never stepped out of the house (for any responsibility, off course she went out for meeting friends and similar things). She completely managed the house.

But then is that what i want to do? no. I love the challenges i have in life. And I truly cannot imagine a life without its challenges. I would actually want them grow, so that i go beating through them like walking in a forest of thorns, but still coming out unbruised. Hurt yes cannot be avoided, but there is a definite fun in having loads of problems and challenges around.

sometimes it comes to my mind, is the way i am going is the right way or hers and my granny's.. as a woman?

my long hair

I have got long long hair now..and I am loving it.. I always wanted to have them. I used to always tell my mom, see mom, my hair has grown longer now.And she used to reply it is not long enough.But guess what i cant flaunt them now. although i have long hair, i cannot flaunt them as i need to bun them otherwise they keep flowing here in there in my work which is definitely not desirable.
but the point of discussion is not this. this just came to mind, that this is a cycle, you wish for something, somethings you get very soon. For some you need to wait and when you get them then you don't really need them. there would be a time when you yearned for something so badly, you were wanting to do anything to get it. but then at times when you get it, then you dont really need it.
many of us must have experienced this. i will buy this when i earn, i will buy that when i earn. but what happens when you finally earn? you don't need to buy that thing. you have surpassed that era of wanting that thing.Another good example is a guy wooing a girl does anything for her in the courtship period, but after they get married, the same girl becomes a headache to him.
It sometimes comes to my mind, that why is it so, this is again I think this is an engagement, Nature wants us to yearn for something, so that we act, we remain active, and when we finally get it, we overlook it and find something more to yearn for..thats life my dear!