I write this post, when I again got lashed at by this person who obviously for some reason thought it was easy to lash out at me, despite we being at the same position. While just a week ago, I was told that I happen to threaten people.
This time I thought I am going to ask this person why does he feel it to be easy to lash out at me ?
These were my options :
1. I am too young a colleague at the same position, 10 whole years youngers to him.
2. I am a legit student of great institutes in India.
3. I am a woman.
4. I do not have the guy who will beat him up for being the badtamees.
5. He dislikes me.
6. He is threatened of me working way more than him / achieving more than him.
He said none of the above was applicable, let alone the fact that he did not let me talk at all, due to the high & / deep barritone voice he has & did not let me complete my sentences as well.
I asked if none of the above was applicable, then who else does he lash out on. He replied, I lash out another female who reports to him. I reminded him of the fact that I did not report to him.
That he should understand how to behave. To people on the same position as him. & everyone else too. This person has very merrily lashed out at me for more than a few times. He has been likewise reminded by the top management to not do so. I would love to give him the benefit of doubt & the try to forgive looking at the fact he is a human, but then I have decided to not get affected anymore due to his behavior. May he receive some understanding at 50 th year of his age.
I received the courage to face him after the weekend of contemplation & answers via the process of asking the people in a community on fb. I need to teach people how to treat me. Giving too much respect to everyone is not needed at times. Did I mention, that he did not apologize ?
Sanmitra, you need to learn how to do this without being manipulative. That's quite a challenge.
Oh my, Sanmitra you are so learned & you still go through this behavior ? How is that possible ? Well, I am not perfect & I do not know how to handle each situation. But looks like this time I attempted to handle this situation well enough.
___________________________________________________________________
Just when I had received the feedback, I had asked for help from a group about what should I do about this kind of a feedback. Was I alone ?
I got a
feedback & rather keep getting feedback - That people find me
threatening.
Wait,
everyone ? no, not everyone. People who want to compete with me / (trying to
say this with hesitation) jealous people.
How
many single people here are given a feedback that they are threatening because
they happen to do everything on their own.
I mean do we have
the choice of playing the damsel in distress card? (Gender agnostic)
Looking at the fact
that what needs to be done, needs to be done irrespective.
How have you
handled this ?
I couldn't care less if people
see me as threatening or intimidating. That's a them problem not a me problem.
true that , but at job front
it is seen as a lesser team member, since other people get threatened by the
fact tht one happens to work things out due to possibly a more serious outlook
towards the job being single.
in a job I guess it depends on
the situation. If you are able to work things out quicker than your colleagues,
that is great, but they also need a chance to learn how do do whatever it is they
cannot quite do as efficiently. So sometimes I need to step back and let
another person do job x, even though I know I could do it better.
It can be very frustrating if
you are better at things than your colleagues. Perhaps you need to move to a
more senior or specialised position, if you can.
I'm in a situation now where
my bosses simply don't believe I can do harder work, even though I've proved to
them I can. They won't even give me the opportunity to learn. So I'm looking
for a better job, where the management hopefully trust their staff.
I'm a six feet tall, muscular
martial artist with a resting bitchface. I could let someone do everything for
me and I'd probably still be threatening to insecure people
And tbh I love being
threatening. People leave you alone^^
yes. It does feel good to be on
our own but sometimes (yes, very lil times) it feels lonely n left out at
workplace then.
So far I don't. I've never
been the damsel in distress and I've been the outsider weirdo all my life maybe not
belonging is just my natural state so I don't really notice it^^
I have encountered many people
who think I need help when I do not. Is this what you are talking about? So it
is more that they are trying to scare or threaten ME, as they put out the
worldview that I can't make it on my own! Ugh! Rather than that I appear as a
threat to them? I also rely on so many others to 'get MY stuff done' and that
is one reason why I like the term solo. A soloist musician can have an entire
orchestra backing them up. A solo hike of the Appalachian Trail has many folks
helping with education and supplies and just general Trail Angel behaviors.
Etc.
Nah, I m actually talking of the
times when people feel I m threatening enough to never be there even when I may
need help. Let alone the fact that I find it difficult to ask due to the
acquired extreme independence.
I am not seen as scary in my
community and work. I have
cultivated that purposely. I can get away with a lot with a harmless and
helpful reputation. In my family I think the word most used to descibe me is
'sweet'
in reality I am a big cranky
grouchy person
I get told by men all the time
that I'm "intimidating to them" because I'm independent, intelligent,
attractive, and I moved to a foreign country on my own. I don't give a shit
because A. I don't want a man and B. I'm not going to be watering myself down
for anyone to make them happy. I'm peaceful and mean no harm to anyone, and I
love myself.
Exactly!! Well said..... Been
there~~~
yep, I got told I needed to
'look and act girly' if I wanted to attract a man. I credit that day, and that
person, for my decision to be single for life rather than compromise who I am.
I was furious at the person, but I think I needed to hear it. I needed to hear
that being coupled would be completely unsuited to who I was, and to become
confident that being single was okay. It took me a long time, but I got
there.
Other people's opinion of me
is none of my business. I'm too busy getting the shit done that needs to be
done
Yes. I predominantly see this
at work and when I dated.
my style of speaking is very
direct and to the point so it’s doubly hard because it’s received as aggressive
— because I am a woman. my voice/intonation is deeper and I tend to not inflect
the end of my sentences (which communicates insecurity l) as a quality of my
culture and that contributes greatly to how I’m received. My feedback is
consistently that im not a team player (I hate office culture, I find it fake
and draining)when im normally carrying my work and others because I have
greater knowledge (im sme level right now). I also have diagnosed adhd so my
hyperfocus allows me to go from novice to expert in many subjects rapidly and
when you have a great deal of skill, insecure people tend to find fault rather
than inspiration from you.
To your question: I don’t
handle it because it is not an impediment to my existence nor is it damaging
with the people who value me.
A guy on date 3 said he didn't
see us having any long term potential bc I didn't "need" anything
from him. Lol bu-byeee! That's right buddy you gotta be special enough to be
wanted
Was there any explanation why
they see you as threatening? There’s a difference between wanting to do things
by yourself and appearing threatening. I struggle with team dynamics myself and
prefer to work solo but it would be good to break this down a bit more. Was the
feedback from your manager or a colleague
oh
I have tried gelling in. Colleagues have moved away because I get more done
& I m more like the talk of the town for gossip mongers. & the feedback
is from the manager.
Nope, never
I mean I’ve been told I look
like a thug, but that was outside of work and nothing to do with me being
single.
I
wish I looked like a thug.
are you “threatening”?
…or do THEY *FEEL* threatened?
bc the responsibility for that
latter is not on you.
u
r right. I dont threaten deliberately.
of course you don’t!
Thanks for the language
pointer yes they feel threatened
I'm extra petite, so had to
fight all my life with the opposite. People offering help and me wanting to
stubbornly do everything on my own...
I've had that happen when men
of a lower socioeconomic status than me find out I know how to fly planes and
own a house. Well, if you are threatened by this affable, friendly gal who
likes flying, classic cars and the finer things in life, we aren't a match. So,
I stick to dating men similar to me, who are used to seeing gal like me do well
in life. I will just be my authentic self, so that I can find a man who likes
me for me and I feel the same for him.
A friend recently woke me up
to why I had problems dating in high school. I grew up in a blue collar town,
but my parents were prominent, successful professionals. Class differences
scared the boys who might have considered dating me. It's sad but class
differences can be a problem. I had no problems with gal-pals. We were all
friends and overlooked and didn't even talk about socioeconomic class @#$%. We
just had fun and accepted each other as we were. Boys were another story. They
either bullied me or ignored me
I now live in an affluent
community and feel more at home. I am making new friends and feel that I have a
better chance of meeting a man who is a better fit. We just have fun and don't
worry about that other #$%@.
Thank you for asking that
question!! Its a good one to think about.
The only time I'm seen as
threatening is when a married woman doesn't trust her husband around me.
yeah,
tht too. I quickly BroZone everyone possible.
Yep,
married women sometimes assume that I am so desperate for male attention, that
I might proposition their husbands. Really sad.
I do know that me being
independent and single is kind of intimidating to a lot of men in my country,
but mostly its just because in my country its kinda more traditional and more
male dominated. I also get criticized by own family and society for being the
old maid or something lol... but my solution is just to move out and stay on my
own and just tune in the voices. Its hard sometimes sure.... but ... a day at a
time
I frequently get that
feedback, but I have the practical skills of a blind rhino so I can't be
totally self sufficient much to my frustration.
I do what I know needs to be
done and ignore comments.
My problem is my neighbor who
thinks I need his help, and he comes over and man-jacks my projects and causes
more problems than he solves. He's super forceful and I finally stood up to him
hard. I thanked my other neighbor for talking to him when the
bull-in-a-china-shop left me alone for a while, and he said he didn't say
anything, it was all me successfully asserting myself.
awesome!!!
I've been told smart women are
threatening and often things go better for me in society if I play dumb. People
are intimidated by intelligence especially if it's in the form of a woman. Tired
of people being surprised that I know stuff. Being smart is often a reason
people blame me for not finding some guy. If I appeared less intelligent and
therefore less threatening perhaps more guys would be interested they say. I'm
just very uninterested in being a parent to some overgrown teenager just to be
in a relationship. Not really into having to play stupid ... For argue that I
actually know things. Experiencing a lot of gender bias from the older
generations... They expect females to be much more domestically interested and
less interested in the outdoors than I am.
YES!!!
This exactly. So many people have told me I'm too smart. Yeah, get lost then,
go be stupid somewhere else.
The only thing is I find it's
older female relatives who caution me not to act too smart in other words don't
be yourself dumb it down. They also think finding some guy to marry and have
kids with is of the utmost importance.. not at all important to me. The logic
is really contradictory if a woman plays dumb to attract a man who is somehow
supposed to be smarter and take care of her? No thanks not interested in a
lifetime of dumbing it down... And no it's not even about post-secondary
education I didn't finish my masters degree.. it's a general state of how dare
you be smarter than the guy
I've been told smart women are
threatening and often things go better for me in society if I play dumb. People
are intimidated by intelligence especially if it's in the form of a woman.
Tired of people being surprised that I know stuff. Being smart is often a
reason people blame me for not finding some guy. If I appeared less intelligent
and therefore less threatening perhaps more guys would be interested they say.
I'm just very uninterested in being a parent to some overgrown teenager just to
be in a relationship. Not really into having to play stupid ... For argue that
I actually know things. Experiencing a lot of gender bias from the older
generations... They expect females to be much more domestically interested and
less interested in the outdoors than I am.
YES!!!
This exactly. So many people have told me I'm too smart. Yeah, get lost then,
go be stupid somewhere else.
The only thing is I find it's
older female relatives who caution me not to act too smart in other words don't
be yourself dumb it down. They also think finding some guy to marry and have
kids with is of the utmost importance.. not at all important to me. The logic
is really contradictory if a woman plays dumb to attract a man who is somehow
supposed to be smarter and take care of her? No thanks not interested in a
lifetime of dumbing it down... And no it's not even about post-secondary
education I didn't finish my masters degree.. it's a general state of how dare
you be smarter than the guy
In
the 60's, living in small towns, I knew girls in my class who actually put down
wrong answers on tests. They were very worried that getting straight A's would
make it impossible to get dates. I knew one girl whose boyfriend told her
"You better quit getting A's in math and science or I will dump you."
One girl said she never bothered talking to boys whose grades were not as high
as hers. They refused even to talk to her when they found out she was gifted.
Sick.
Susan - wow - i just got the
dont be too smart thing after my first degree (before that i was allowed to be
smart) Med size city - a few decades later
I hate that so much! I am pretty smart
(master's degree) and I'm not about to play dumb for some doofus
I have been told I’m
intimidating because I have a good job, own my own car, and own a $300k house
all by myself. And my only roommate is my son. I don’t want/need anyone to help
pay for the house. I do my own maintenance and if I cannot do it, I hire
someone to do it for me. I have been fiercely independent since I had my son at
18 and his dad ran away from us. 25 years later I have never lived with anyone
else, lover or roommate. And I am fine with that. I will keep doing it all
myself.
I
hear I am intimidating all the time. If I was a man, they'd throw a parade for
me.
I
totally agree. I hate that. I want my own parade!
I
have heard the same thing many times!
I agree. I hate being ignored because I'm
single
Badass
I’m trying to get better at
articulating when I would like help, rather than when I need help (which is
rare). But I tend to get frustrated waiting on someone else and sort it out
independently!
I am horrible at damsel in
distress, it comes as easily as breathing to others.
Have been told I’m
intimidating or too independent many a time, I just figure these people are the
ones with the problem.
Oh yes! Too independent was the first I
heard. Then the intimidating thing. And then there are the ones who punish you
for it and when you ask why they didn't offer to help you at a point when it
must have been obvious that you could have used help, they say, well, I thought
you didn't need help!
I agree! I don't want a man who is
intimidated by me
I've got shifty eyes. Y'all
watch out.
Eh, I was
threatening/intimidating in a relationship too. It's weird because the way I am
is just how folks ARE in my family. Women and AFAB folks don't wait around or
shrink themselves for a dude. Apparently it's threatening to be able to change
a tire or repair the washer or be into martial arts and outdoor skills? Not
fawning over dudes who flex their looks/wealth/power/etc? I'm nice and polite
and helpful until I'm messed with, so sounds like a personal problem on their
part
Not threatening, but like ...
apparently it is wrong to be independent. 'You need to ask for help' as if it's
a requirement. I like to figure out things on my own. It's true, sometimes I
ought to ask for help and I don't. But why every single time?
It feels a lot like people
have no faith in me to figure things out on my own ... which, knowing I
absolutely CAN figure things out, must be a projection of the people making the
comments.
This is why being around a
majority of people makes me so sad. People have such low expectations. It is
completely discouraging and demotivating. On my own, or with people that have
faith in me, I can challenge myself, and it's okay to make mistakes!
yes I agree it
really is disappointing how low the intellectual (and cultural) level of most
people is
I
agree. That's part of my problem. I'm trying to find love in a world full of
guys who aren't sophisticated culturally
Hm have you tried hitch or
hinge I forget what it’s called. It suggests people connected to your FB
friends. If your FB friends are cultured then that might work. There’s also the
league. It is for ‘elites’- initially educational elites but now maybe trending
more toward financially wealthy. But in any case higher likelihood of finding a
cultured person on there than on other dating sites. I haven’t tried these
myself but know people who have.
“You are not intimidating,
they are intimidated. There is a difference.” One of the best things that was
said to me by a work colleague.
I feel very fortunate. I never
experience any negativity toward being single. I'm fierce, I'm independent and
nobody will stand in my way. That's the energy I put out in the universe. It
has been well accepted by everyone in my life.
you have to teach people how to treat you. I've had to do it constantly. They
learn. Some get mad. Those people usually go away. Or I request it.
Truly, I must thank everyone
who s answered here.
I truly felt supported by each
of you answering & letting me know that I am not alone in situations like
this. I could smash the self doubt immediately due to this.
Yes, I will be able to not
feel bad n bruised due to such feedback at work now. Because acting dumb is
truly not possible for me to do.
Been told many times than men
find me intimidating because independent and intelligent. If I am suppose to
dumb myself down to have a partner, then I rather be alone. To me it says more
about them than me. As for work, not really an issue because most of my work
has/is independent. I did get told the reason why I wasn't liked by the
"in crowd" at one job. Believe it not, it was because I don't gossip!
Give me a break. I'll allow my professional reputation speak for itself and it
has served me well.
true
that. I think the very fact that we do not have the time to gossip also must be
threatening enough.
Yes, several men have told me
I’m too independent. Now I’m independent of them so I guess they were right.
One odd facet of this that
I've found is in regard to physical strength. I often decline a man's help to
lift or carry stuff if I can do it. And they often seem insulted by this. I
don't like to ask for men to carry my shit just because it's convenient for me
or they could do it easier -- IF I need help I'll certainly ask, but just
expecting them to lug shit like a pack horse is just inconsiderate in my view,
even if it's what they want to do.
I typically don't ask for help either unless
I'm physically incapable and then I appreciate an offer. A lot of men just do
it to be polite
I know they do it to be polite, that was my
point--that if you declined they feel insulted.
Why is it a female's
responsibility of how some male feels if you decline help. The whole idea that
females are supposed to own someone else's feelings yet males can do whatever
they want is ridiculous. All the biases like men would need help with housework
or someone to cook for them or such. I guess I don't see men blamed for being
single or being urged to change or be this or that or whatever quite the double
standard sometimes
I've cut out most people and
their noises from my life. So I go on living my life I deem fit
true.
cutting out helps, but at times it is difficult when it is shown as a feedback,
because the major population thinks that one is threatening because one does
not need help.