What if she was here today ?

I don't know. What would happen. At least I would not have felt lonely enough. Or i would have been able to talk to her. Or I would have fought with her for not being there to take care o my daughter. or she would have fought with me to be with Saee for longer. Or what if she would want to come for all the tours with me. 

What if I could write with her. I know she liked her better but she spent more time with me because I was always available for her. To help her to pick her bags. to help her in general because she needed help. I was there for her. Swelling in pride that I could be there for her. that I m earning some good deed - punya,  the happiness to be around. Rather she only paid attention to me when i was working for her ? was she wanting help and my sister refused by default so she had no option  ?

Where is my share of ok, here s something for you. I have been helped by my parents for child rearing. who will help my daughter to rare her child. Let he do it on her own. 

Inexplicable

 There are so many things these days that are not explainable to myself. 

There is so much loneliness. So much of life left out. It feels like there s no one. 

There is this guilt. I never thought I got enough of my parents so I thought my husband should be my parent and understand and support me. Now do I see the life partner thing in my daughter ? I feel so guilty for that. I have been Taj with her. was it needed ? i wanted to go. But now she has her own life, her own living, 

She is going to go away from me one fine day. She should. She should get the best person to be with. Who takes care of her, is there for her and never leaves her for any reason. 

I feel alone. Untouched. unsupported. 

She fights and she fights a lot. and then if I express, she fees bad and says who else will she fight with. Who else will I fight with ?

i dont feel like a lot of things 

i dont feel like cooking 

i dont feel like going anywhere 

meeting new people. everyone is deceptive. 

I dont feel like going home 

everything just feels so not good. not very positive. 

i cfry everyday when i get up. put myself to sleep 

I dont know why people want the external body when the inner soul actually matters ? 

do they even deserve me then 

Can i trust anyone with my daughter ?

How will i live a life if all i am doing is her. will I have a life ? or is this the end of the world ?

People who are lovely to us because we are consumers

 There are these Bhaiyyas and Didi's who sell. 

They are genuinely good to you. They are sweet. They are good to talk to. 

They are literally a respite wherein they are not fighting with you. At times because they want to buy from you. But most of the times because they are genuinely sweet people. That enables them to be in the Sales structures. 

But then truly thats pretty sweet and kind of them to be good to us. especially when there are mean people around, it helps. It helps to feel good.