love - selfishness...

love is definitely an outcome of a self centered nature, love can never be only giving, it is more about taking. that is also the reason why love starts diminishing when one partner reduces giving. you fail to get and hence get frustrated.. 

I have a feeling that this applies to all kinds of love. brother sister, mother - daughter. (I'm experiencing it here, although I don't expect any worldly things in return, i still want my daughter to cuddle to me. to be close to me - i think that is very selfish of me to do so, and i know there will be one day when she will move away and i will find myself to be left alone..) 

And i think all this starts when we are born. we come with that innate urge to cared for. to be loved for our own selfish good. While giving the other person happiness of doing good. as babies, as kids, as teenagers, as grown ups, as oldies.. we all want to be loved, to be taken care of.. so we deeply seek someone who will do that for us..and we keep seeking since there is no assurance of one person being with you forever due to the rule of nature. 

a two year old / a twenty year old?

my husband tries to discipline my little one who is only 2. He was trying to ask her to put her shoes in place. In the bid of that, he told her that if she does not pick up the things - no one will talk to her. mom will not talk, dad will not talk, her grandpa (my dad in law) will not talk, and aunty (a neighbor) will not talk to her.
she listened to all that he said, and then simply walked off muttering like a twenty year old, anuty will talk to me and granpa will talk to me.
And  I suddenly felt like it was me talking when I was twenty. the same rebel attitude. it was fascinating as well as a little astonishing the way she walked off. I wonder how would she say this again.

life's teaching me lessons. thank you life.

these ten days have been eventful. some events were unexplained, some were. some taught a few things while some just added in stress.
I think it all started with the un-explainable loss of new phone. Was it destined, was it a sign, an omen that I was gonna face a much much bigger event in life.
My husband was admitted into a hospital due to fever. things, test diagnosis led to a conclusion that he needed to operated. He needed an open heart surgery. All that build up a lot of pressure. Especially, since his family members, - his elder brother and probably his father who kept changing his mind were against the surgery. (His elder brother was a Medical rep for sometime and believes that Doctors do surgery only to create money). They kept cursing my decision and regardless to say me.
here I very well know, that now these two people will lie, Oh no we never were against the surgery, we were just against a hasty decision. this will be the cover up line so that people don't blame them and they save their asses.
And I am not sure if there is very little time for a life saving decision then whether it is called as hasty.

Lesson learnt : people keep thinking about money and their egos irrespective of the situation and at such time it is extremely difficult to think in real good - i.e combining emotions (my love for my husband) + rationally ( to think about the pros and cons of the operation) That actually consumed loads of energy from my brain. I felt I was too young for a situation like that. Although I knew very well what I was doing. I must thank my mother, father and my education which has enabled me to take good decisions. Although I had a strong backing to my decision by my uncle who is a MD doc too.

then was the surgery. I was weak in my knees. I wanted to see my decision to work. 1. to see my husband alive and away from danger, i loved him so much. 2. to prove i was right in the decision. ( here I was also satisfying my ego in a condition like that, although that was the last priority at that moment. I was also trying to make myself safe) I think all this was very human, very likely for anyone in that situation. Since my in laws curse me and hold me responsible for my mom-in-laws cancer (I just wrote about it in my last blog)

lesson learnt :  come what may, at times one needs to take decisions, whose results are arbitrary, some times life threatening too. this was a perfect test to see where did I fare in calculative risk taking.

The surgeon is the best in Pune - Dr. Ranjith Jagtap, he was a colleague to my uncle and that helped me get to him earlier than others. they diagnosed a big thing - a valve damage within 2 days. by Dr. Neelkanth Bapat and the technician Aparna. I think this was sheer luck - a part of destiny.

lesson learnt : there are so many things which cannot be explained. like everything falling in place in this part of the whole event.

I appealed to all my FB and gmail friends to pray for him. I was weak in my knees when the procedure was on. I did not even get up for the washroom. I was almost glued to the chair. And when i did move for 4- 5 mins, this did come to my mind, this time is so much. I just hope all's well. I came back, and the doc was telling his relatives that the operation was successful. The doc waited for me come, he handed over the valve box, which I will have to preserve for Shri's next operative / whatever procedure comes his way. Since this valve is ought to last for minimum 10 years and maximum 20 years.
there was a drastic 180 degree turn in my mood - I was immensely happy that all went well. And that I could see my husband. Yes we had a few, a lot of differences after baby birth, but that does not reduce the love that we had sometime ago. I was overjoyed..

Lesson learnt : it all went well. Prayers work. they do.

this was probably not enough. My dad in law picked my daughter almost snatched her from the person I had kept her with, since her creche had a holiday. that woman called me up. I was alone in the hospital. It was again another moment of tension. more of panic. he must have done that since he disapproved that lady I had kept her with or whatever. on phone he said he would be kicking me out of the house would take care of my daughter. Now that was really difficult. I must say at that moment, my daughter became more important to me. I called up someone to be around and went back hastily to pick my daughter. I felt much more insecure.

here again i know he will lie, since no one saw / heard my dad in law saying this, since this was over phone. these people have tried picking on things like this.

Lesson learnt : How much ever you love your husband/ spouse, if you are a mother, your child is your first love forever in life.

While I know that my dad in law and brother in laws will try to influence various things so that they would be successful to keep me away from my husband or at least create nuances, which they have been creating ever since (I guess that's human behavior too based on the Indian caste system - I don't belong to the same caste that Shri does), which he has been trying ever since he know of our marriage. But I have reached a point of satisfaction now, that I have done what was my responsibility at that moment for my love. I was true in every sense that I did it.

I just hope that this episode actually gives my husband a fresher perspective to life. and a better life for us, he, me and our daughter to live together happily ever after.

And I felt I should write this down, so that the pressure on my mind releases a little. Although I had my friends, ,my people with me. The same people who have been with me during the thick and thins.

I am gonna go back to my work - which is again a source of immense pleasure and satisfaction. And I am happy though thatI have got my own self back. a more confident, responsible and a no-fear person I was before my baby was born.

All I can say is thank you life.  for being there for me. 

does anyone has the power to bring in death in reality?

And I always wanted to write about this. People in my husband's house call me apshakuni - saying I brought in Death and sickness to their house.My mother in law was diagnosed with cancer after i came into the house. Yes my in laws did not treat me well nor do they treat me well today, since I belong to another caste and we had a love marriage. But that would not mean I wish for death for anyone, even to my worst enemy. why would I ..
And even if I did. I was thinking would I be able to bring in Death? Would I be able to induce Cancer in a person? Would I be kill anyone at all. And If I was really apshakuni, then why did people in my house live, in fact anyone who came in contact live at all? they would all be dead .. all would have cancer by now. This is absurd. I can understand, people of Dad- in -law's age who are brought up in superstitious male chauvinist era to think so. It is really disturbing when my husband says so. He said as an answer to the little quarrel in house. But this also means that deep in his mind, he thinks I killed his mother. That hurts.
Sometimes it just comes to my mind, that the caste system, superstitions have never gone away. Similar to that concept of fat cells, they never go away they simply are reduced in size. Anyone brought up in a superstitious house ought to be superstitious forever. Education and other things are simply covers on the top. They don't really change the within of a person to really make him/ her to think logically, that how can someone kill someone and moreover induce cancer - which is something that the Doctors are also trying to find since ages. 

Einsteins theory of relativity

the theory of relativity, or simply relativity, generally encompasses two theories of Albert Einstein: special relativity and general relativity.^[1] (The word relativity can also be used in the context an older theory, that of Galilean invariance.)

Concepts introduced by the theories of relativity include:

• Measurements of various quantities are relative to the velocities of observers. In particular, space and time can dilate.
• Spacetime: space and time should be considered together and in relation to each other.
• The speed of light is nonetheless invariant, the same for all observers.

exactly today, 3 years ago, I lost my mom to eternity and today my new nokia lumia. But Einstein's theory of relativity works, the lost phone does not hurt as much.

I still remember that night when she left for the heavenly abode. I still don't want to see her picture hanging on the wall. I want to believe she is there. It's not that I don't think of all this everyday, but today the memories get more grim. they tend to trouble more. The complete incident actually runs through my open eyes again and again. 

Maybe I was in these thoughts, and I left or dropped my mobile somewhere. I had just bought that phone. it is not that I have loads of money and so I don't care. But truly, after my mom's loss and then my baby coming in this worlds, which was the consequent event, I don't really feel that love or attachment towards worldly things.

I used to be so mean before. i use to not allow people to touch my sketch pens which is quite a little thing to share, to give away. 

Today I don't really feel that. After Mom's gone, I know, come what may she will not be back. that was a huge treasure. I got another treasure, my daughter. I don't think there could be anything above this. 

these worldly man - made things and gonna come and go. But the God made are ought to stay forever, if not physically in my memory, till I succumb to eternity one day. 

It kept striking my mind - why am i not sad for my mobile loss? i did take the essential steps to inform police etc..How could i take it so lightly? But I did not panic, like i would have done 3 years back. And i know the answer  it is just the theory of relativity, since the huge loss of not having mom is much much more, the phone loss is almost nothing - negligible here. 

I just remembered I used to be very independent enough to live on my own terms

I kept asking God, Why me. Why all the trouble to me at such turbulent time, when I was physically weak due to baby birth, pregnancy whatever. Or I simply got used to the help offered by everyone when I was pregnant.
And then at the same time I was also more linked to people who were very much pampered in their lives. Be it home, in laws, hubby, wherever. At least it looked like they were super pampered in their FB statuses and photos.
I started expecting the same from my own surroundings.I started expecting help, chivalry and what not from the people around me.And that made me weaker psychologically than I really was physically. Off course I have gone weak due to the baby. But the psychological weakness had added in.If I was 80% physically weak, I added the remaining 20 % psychologically to it.
I just had an accident yesterday. A car dashed in, it was a very crowded signal area. And my activa fell from my hands. I did not get hurt. But what really hurt me was that I was not able to pick up my Activa. No one really helped me to pick it up either. Off course because they were all busy wading off the signal. And why would they.
This just made me realize, I used to much much stronger enough before. To the extent of not asking or not needing help at all. In fact the situation was completely opposite. I used help rather. in whatever, physical or psychological problem. It would be a little exaggerated statement if I say, I was self dependent and hence independent. I had suddenly started expecting help instead. How on earth would people understand that I needed help. Even if I do tell them, people were not used to helping me around, instead they relied on me. And I think this was the greatest mistake I did not make on purpose, but which happened. Thank god I realized it.
And sometimes it just comes to my mind. Yes I have live a very tough independent life.I just remembered I used to be very independent enough to live on my own terms, make my own mistakes, learn from them. But some day, I am gonna be reduced to one physically weak person, some day. I should still be able to pick myself up then too. I should realize that it is not good expect anything from anyone. I pray I should have all the power to remain independent through life. 

just a way to get back..

I remember my mom used to scold me, beat me up, madly. and then never pick me up and kiss me and say its ok darling. she never did that. instead she used to start behaving normally, asking me to come and have food, or whatever. my husband also never does that.
But I see that happening on the TV, I read it everywhere. That it is good to make up after u fight.
I see there are so many times, when the hero kisses the girl and says sorry.
but then its screen and its gonna be so. But somewhere it should be a reflection of reality.
Now-a-days, there are times, when I do feel like telling things firmly to my kid, which she should not do. I am NOT gonna scold her ever. not even avoiding. But i don't know I don't want to react on her. I wonder how would i make up if I ever scold her. I love her so much. simply so much.
the other day, we were discussing, and i got an opinion that kids are mere a responsibility. I disagree. I think they are love. pure love. happiness. u can forget forget everything in life. but they are individuals. I need to be able to keep away on that part of creating super-impression on my child. I should let her grow as she does. But would there be times, I am sure there would time when I would need to tell her firmly about not doing something. I just wonder how would I do that? or am I doing it already.