when does that hurt go away ?

A 20 something person asked, can i ask you a personal question ? 

& i was so confident to say yes. 

Cause max whats that asked is about partners etc. I dont fear those questions anymore. 

But she asked. 

Have you attended funerals ? i said, yes 4 in total. I wanted to tell her about the near death experience too. But I didnt. It didnt fit the context. 

She : how did you manage ? Does it hurt ? what do you do so that it does not hurt ? 

____________________________

She is preparing for her grandparents demise that has not yet happened. 

I told her I lost my mother 17 years ago. & it still hurts. My memory of what we did has faded. But the feeling, that experience has stayed. For some reason, i hugged my mom only twice. Well, hugs were not trending then. 

I remember her walking away from the exhibition last. In her tussar silk kantha dress. She loved embroidery, delicate weaves & got all that she could afford. This tussar dress was her last. i have retained it. I have tried to keep all that i could. I dont know if that suffices as a memory. as her being around. 

I see her in my dreams whenever i am going through a lot. or something that I cannot fathom. I go through her memories. Sometimes, i fight with her in the dreams. She was a person whom i could fight with. She was a strict parent to me. She despised me enough because i looked my grandmother and not her. She had as many flaws. I do too. everyone does. I never dared to say no to her. i did all that she told me to. It was also because i wanted her to like me so badly. I wanted her to look at me. to be with me. 

& that longing has stayed. I feel like i want to share my sarees with her. Take her with me for my car rides. If at all, she should know that i have done ok good in my life all because of her efforts. 

There is so much hurt that she left when she was 49. For a very long time, i could not remember the word ventilator because she was on it for the last four days. like always she had been admitted to the hospital, this time to not come back. 

Its all so fresh. Its 17 years. I remember going for her last birthday & making what she loved. with so much love. She and her sister laughed over me. on all that i did. i took it on happily. She had worn that kantha yellow saree, that i wear when i want her here. that hurt does not go. 

one should just cry it out loud. it s really impossible to forget the last time you ve seen a person. on the death bed. My sister had got her favourite flowers. they were laid on her. & she just went to the electrocution from the hospital. baba decided there was no point going home. She never went home. 

Not only death but there are so many such distances / such seperation that somehow never get ok. 

They hurt too. & that hurt never heals. It almost like an unhealed lesion opening up any time you want to cry over it.  

but then, yes. i did counsel the person that its ok to cry when you are hurt and one lives with it. 

eventually one gets better at acting like nothing happened, or acting like all s fine. 

how else! 

What's the Maximum age for application / learning ?

 Being at a given age or approaching a given age. 

That is now showing. with a little difference in my skin. Fine. a lot of difference in my skin. The awakening that I am the elder one at the table. 

Oh I definitely enjoy the concept of people looking up to you for your guidance. But what if your soul does not want to age ? 

Oh I definitely love to act like the elder at times. It is awesome. Because there is a very definitive different kinda love that people look at you with. It is amazing. It feels good to be loved without the younger ones actually expecting anything from you. If at all it is them taking care of a lot that you would not know how to or actually helping you out. & you get to say no along with a line that its ok, you are independent to do things yourself. Though of course if you are seen as someone younger that pressure is too much since you know you are approaching a number. in age. And you know that it is not merely a number. You know that. internally. Withing you. When you struggle to find the energy to finish all that you needed to finish. 

um. alright. this discussion has not come in to my mind because of the above. 

I looked for a culinary arts program and kinda wanted to understand better about it. Being an online course I thought I may want to do it. A weekend course etc. I got a call - this lovely salesperson happened to tell me a lot about the course. Then continued with the fact that they will help with getting a placement for us. 

This is where my mind shifted to a funnier place. I asked what is the maximum age ? Does'nt being a chef need some more physical fitness ? what is the maximum age of application ? 

& this is when the person went on to asking me what was my age ? which of course I didnt answer.  But of course my tone changed & I happened to laugh. In my defence, it was not a patronising laugh. Genuine one. I enjoy this - both - where in the person in front of me genuinely feels I am younger (only God knows why - my, I enjoy that mis-information) & when someone is just being funny and wanting to call me younger when they actually think I am way older than what I actually am.

It is entering my mind now-a-days, until when can I keep learning. Until when can i start and restart. Is this it ? that fear of not being able to jump around a lot has entered my mind beyond capacity of course. It is just a very uncanny co-incidence that my mother attempted a complete culinary course at a University around the same age I am - she could not complete it, since she got a heart attack therein. She of course survived another 4-5 years after that. 

Sometimes it comes to my mind. Maybe yes this is it. & sometimes I still feel, I have a lot to do. I am the person who would not take a no for an answer, or not say no to anything. A lot that I can do whether my energy will suffice or not. May be. Might be. Who knows. 

kind of confidence men happen to have

 It is not an equal world. 

Not at all. 

Professions, the way we live. the privileges we have. 

But if there is something extremely different is the privilege that men happen to have since birth. 

Imagine a scenario of 2 individuals with the same economic capacity, same intellectual capacity, yet it is easier for one of them. Same intellectual capacity but one of them has to cook, clean and take care of the kids at home with the work they need to do to provide for their own living. 

Both are good looking but one is shamed for every single mis step and imperfection. While the other simply runs free. 

This happened. 

I stepped in the elevator with my kid. Before leaving we had that complete overhauling conversation on what to how to how not dress for going out etc. 

Then, 

in the elevtor. there is this man - going out for work, simply getting ready in the lift. without a thought. right from tucking his shirt in to 

Freedom - female to female - why not ?

Here's what's been happening. 

For a very long time. In fact ever since I have known I will have a girl child, I have been thinking of how would I let her be and yet be able to protect her from all the stupid pressures that the world may levy on her. 

We as females are told by some or the other person. Hey, this part of body is seen. Cover it. We grow up under these inhibitions. We learn we need to cover up. as much as we can. to look as shapeless. as much as we can. & despite all that some person will scan us from head to toe. Then we learn not look at such people. Hunch in a little & then more. Feel bad of our own body. Because the lesser we have, the body can wear lesser clothes and expose more since that looks like the acceptance overall. All this of course comes from the false ideas from Fashion & the media. & Fashion and media gain their insights from real world. 

A real world wherein the elder ladies have a bigger say. The younger ones feel the brunt of it. Just recently an elder lady who comes from one the biggest patriarchal society in India had an encounter with me. We travelled together for a few times. She, was on alcohol all the time because the hotel gave free alcohol. While she wore a silk trouser and shirt (she s from the state where women wear cloth covering their faces and bodies). Went ahead and told me I should not wear sleeveless and dresses because of my age. I asked her why & asked if she also wanted to wear them. to which of course she could not find a befitting reply and went on with how she does not wear them and how it does not suit the customs from India blah blah. But could not answer when i asked if someone allowed her to wear the trousers. (which is a taboo in her customs ). 

Another elderly who is an extreme elite would pass comments on the amount of color that I wear. & she spread the word enough that more than a few elderly people started passing comments on my dressing sense. I made all my efforts to ignore them, to tell them that is my dressing etc. It has stuck into my head forever. 

Running up to the recent incident when my daughter wanted to wear an off shoulder. As of now, i have always resisted and have asked her not wear revealing clothes. & again I am the who gets these clothes for her. To dress up my little baby girl. Now that she is growing up, it was becoming difficult for me to tell her to take care of her dressing without being a hypocrite. Without challenging my own beliefs of freedom. Of letting her know that she should be able to manage the gaze of every individual who looks at women objectively. 

I think this was the choice that I had to make as an elder female. I gave her the confidence and protection to be able to wear she wanted. I wanted to make her feel good of her choices. the freedom that she wanted to experience. The Freedom that is needed by everyone. Just to be able to be. To be able to glide in life as is as one would like to. 

& this realisation literally set me free too. 

the worry for a mother, if her kid is safe, what is happening to her kid etc. All that. I decided. That she will be able to carry herself everywhere. That touchwood she will be safe. 

then we travelled. 

 We met a couple of young girls at an art gallery workshop. They were contemplating what to wear thinking if it is too much. Young in their primary 20s. This was my moment to give. to give as the relatively elder person to those girls. I gave them the confidence that they were right about their own bodies and they could simply accept themselves. Wear what they wanted to. nothing was less and nothing was extra. & I did'nt have to say all these words. All i had to do was give them a nod with a smile & say oh that is absolutely great on you. That's all. 

I saw them walking out being comfortable with what they were wearing. 

& I think I hit another level of peace and happiness in my mind. 

Sometimes it comes to my mind that enablement, confidence, happiness - we should give as much. enjoy our age in helping others being the best versions of themselves. This gives another level of confidence to me too. 

well. that's another phase of life that I am in. 

Lunch - a very very human lunch

 I must say, I got this privilege of being at Lunch with the complete team of the IT folks. All thanks to one non-judgemental female in the group. Very kind. Shivani. 

That whole table was giggling, laughing, there were people who ate quietly. While there were who continuously tagged each other for fun. All jokes seemed to be allowed. There were people who carried eggs from their homeplace in trains, buses and cars some 400 500 km away. young crowd. that again. forgiving. not flexing beyond anything. 

I remember I had these lunches some 10 years ago. yes. that long ago. where i could be my own self, eat, mostly laugh. Live through. Not asking much. having fun once through the day. this little group of ours knew who liked what. everyone cared for each other. we were bound by the happiness of just being together. for a long time. We are still in touch. all of us. we may not meet everyday but alls well. we see each other living lives good enough on the social media. again, no flexing. as much happiness that we share. They were also my people when my lil one was growing up. I could call anyone. They could call me. 

Then I went far away. 

I understand I went far away. the group stayed. I moved out. They literally gave me a send off / a happy good bye party more than a few times. They met me whenever i came back. I met at least a few people in front of the same company whenever i returned. 

While the lunch tht i had when I was away was a vile time always. People talking over each other. Wanting me to shut down or finding some way to bully me. Oh it was bad. at times i was allowed to sit in a different group just to realise that my presence was advantage of. 

I realised I stopped talking during lunch. At times singing within myself, moving through my own thoughts. talking only if asked. Being present. taking in as much information tht was required. sieving through everything else. All the crap. uff. 

It is in fact lonely at the top. Always. 

This. of not telling everyone, where do i sit in the sense of position is refreshing. you are allowed to enter the groups. of ages, of positions. or maybe its a geography thing as well.  

Just was worth a mention. absolutely. 

Maybe clearing my writing block too. 

Where does all that's lost go ?

 I told her, why did'nt you just hug him and ask him to stay ? 

She said, I did. I did hug him. i told him. We will sort everything out. Lets be ok. He left. despite that he left. He wanted to. after a whole 15 years, someone asked me a similar question. why did'nt you try to stay. why did'nt you just bear with it. keep it going ? 

I did'nt feel the need to explain to her. She did'nt even know my life. but she was genuinely concerned, or she looked so. I told her, i could not. I could not have taken what was happening any longer. I tried doing that for the kid. 

He said he loved me. I saw it in his eyes. sometimes. in fact very few times. or maybe i was delusional. or it lasted for a very little time. 

then where did it go ? that was something tht got lost. oh. so many years to it now. 

There is seriously no going back to what it was. never. things did'nt work. yes, i made peace with it. 

World did'nt. anyways. 

Suddenly a new life. for some reason, she looked younger to the new set of people. trust me they did not know her. clearly she was overestimating my popularity ? she did think everyone knew who she was. she wrote so much. or maybe she didnt. she had stopped being on socials. she wanted to keep it low. talking wise she think she had already gone a little too low to not talk to adults / people her age. she spoke to little kids because of her dedication to the lil ones due to the doting parent structure, colleagues. rarely friends. everyone go busy in their lives. actually she stopped yearning for help to anyone. she had stopped connecting too. was gone far-a-way. living for her kid. the teen years. so much go through all alone. she tried. she tried wanting to make friends. no not really reaching there. 

this new life. this one person actually did a couple of truly small gestures - very simple ones. walking her to the office. getting tickets for her for a great show. no one did that ever. May be just a lonely soul. No, she did'nt lead anyone on. it was refreshing to someone actually liking her for no reason at all. she didnt think it was calculated at all. oh and she definitely dint know if that was the current shipping start. some affection she deserved. why not. no answers to that yeah. kucch bhi.  

& unfortunately everything just opened up. nothing was right, it never was. possibly never will be. that little share of affection got lost. the moment everything opened out. there was a huge age gap, social gap & we dont even know what all gaps exist. they will never concede unless the last so many years were just erased and she could simply be someone who existed earlier. to have someone who kinda liked her for no reason at all. life kinda gave a very mini small window for companionship & took it away. The affectionate person felt deceived. not because of her. but because of the reality she was in. 

Lost again. 

Don't know where it went. All the affection. 

Things get lost. We never know. 

anyways. life. 

To feel guilty or not ?

Its been almost 9 to 10 months that I have almost stopped cooking regularly. 

yes, it is something that I started when I was in 6th standard. Thats 11 or 12 years of age maximum. It felt like a burden then. It still feels like a burden. 

Not that I dont like to cook. In fact making good food is pretty much an awesome creative activity that I love to do. It builds in that love for the people that i cook for. With practice maybe I did do good. 

But then the new set of people whom i lived with after my marriage, didnt like it for more reasons than the actual food taste. It was a mix of jealousy and caste-ism. In my earlier days and even today, I love to see people feeling good about the food taste and presentation. People feeling happy of eating together. Until recently i was completely ok talking to my guests and cooking along with the talking, meeting people & being busy in the kitchen to amaze people with my cooking skills. With the aroma that flowed right into the gastric juices of my guests sitting right there being enthralled by my stories. That for the guests. 

But for people at home, the happiness when I made something that they liked. That look into my lil one's eyes. That twinkle. & that ear to ear grin she displays when she gets that wonderfully cooked meal. Of her liking. And actually converting all that's unpalatable to being as delicious as ever. Even the Karla or bitter guard. Let alone the cakes, pastries and delectable dishes. There used be this happiness on her face that converted into happiness in my heart. She made it an activity that was treasured by me due to her reaction. 

Recently this activity simply took a backseat. Rather disappeared. My mind started moving away from the everyday cooking. & it has to be done because it has to be done. not out of love. not out of the happiness. 

There was so much more that was happening. the lil one falling mad ill. taking care of her while the then job being troublesome (bigger level). Me not wanting to be there anymore etc. Job change and everything. looking for a better place to move. Looking for the education of the little one. So much stress. Resulting into a cooking block. along with the writing block and the painting block and the singing block. All my energies were concentrated on survival. Of finding a good job. the quest for better and lesser troubles. 

I did not cook. I did not make. Anything. At all. 

& I felt guilty that i was'nt truly feeding my family as well as i could. As well I wanted to. I didnt meet my own standards. Of working hard to get food made on the table because i wanted to get food on the table. 

My creative reserves died, ok, paused. Blocked. 

We moved. To a new city. Better place. Better and helpful people. (that for another blog). 

& lo n behold. 

I got a maid who cooked !! complete luncheon was made at a very good quality level. way better than me in fact. 

Oh I felt awesome! 

The career woman in me thanked me. as much. 

I got happy with the space, the time that I got for myself. I sang, played sitar, went for a walk. yes. that. 

But that conditioning of being able to cook. of cooking for so long. From a very long time. making awesome food. All that. the conditioning does not go. The compulsion of cooking does not go. That satiation after cooking yourself and then managing to eat some of what you made does not go. 

Anyways. I enjoyed that phase until last. Did i though. 

I am back to cooking, making, doing. thats good too. 

Should I feel guilty for feeling good for not cooking ? for feeling ok with not doing the household chores like a man ? Does a guy feel guilty ? ever  ? For not doing so much. 

What if she was here today ?

I don't know. What would happen. At least I would not have felt lonely enough. Or i would have been able to talk to her. Or I would have fought with her for not being there to take care o my daughter. or she would have fought with me to be with Saee for longer. Or what if she would want to come for all the tours with me. 

What if I could write with her. I know she liked her better but she spent more time with me because I was always available for her. To help her to pick her bags. to help her in general because she needed help. I was there for her. Swelling in pride that I could be there for her. that I m earning some good deed - punya,  the happiness to be around. Rather she only paid attention to me when i was working for her ? was she wanting help and my sister refused by default so she had no option  ?

Where is my share of ok, here s something for you. I have been helped by my parents for child rearing. who will help my daughter to rare her child. Let her do it on her own. 

Inexplicable

 There are so many things these days that are not explainable to myself. 

There is so much loneliness. So much of life left out. It feels like there s no one. 

There is this guilt. I never thought I got enough of my parents so I thought my husband should be my parent and understand and support me. Now do I see the life partner thing in my daughter ? I feel so guilty for that. I have been Taj with her. was it needed ? i wanted to go. But now she has her own life, her own living, 

She is going to go away from me one fine day. She should. She should get the best person to be with. Who takes care of her, is there for her and never leaves her for any reason. 

I feel alone. Untouched. unsupported. 

She fights and she fights a lot. and then if I express, she fees bad and says who else will she fight with. Who else will I fight with ?

i dont feel like a lot of things 

i dont feel like cooking 

i dont feel like going anywhere 

meeting new people. everyone is deceptive. 

I dont feel like going home 

everything just feels so not good. not very positive. 

i cfry everyday when i get up. put myself to sleep 

I dont know why people want the external body when the inner soul actually matters ? 

do they even deserve me then 

Can i trust anyone with my daughter ?

How will i live a life if all i am doing is her. will I have a life ? or is this the end of the world ?

People who are lovely to us because we are consumers

 There are these Bhaiyyas and Didi's who sell. 

They are genuinely good to you. They are sweet. They are good to talk to. 

They are literally a respite wherein they are not fighting with you. At times because they want to buy from you. But most of the times because they are genuinely sweet people. That enables them to be in the Sales structures. 

But then truly thats pretty sweet and kind of them to be good to us. especially when there are mean people around, it helps. It helps to feel good. 

Some concern & so much love.

 Out of nowhere, Atul (works with WUD) came to teach Saee how to cycle. 

I am just more than indebt. Because whether the world understands or not, it is truly difficult taking care of a teenager kid. It is so difficult to convince on what is good and what is bad to her. I have been trying my best to simply get her to learn cycle. learn a few more life skills. 

I understand if that happens with me doing it then she will do it. But I cannot do everything anymore. Somewhere I think my energy is minimum. It is difficult to be there., 

Somehow it feels like my life is ending too. That for another blog. 

But yes, Atul came. He taught her cycling. No. Saee was adamant and told him, Atul mama, I dont want to learn how to cycle. He was so patient. So ego-less, so caring towards my child. More patient than what I am. No dont want to give reasons for the patient factor. I know it is wrong to not be patient. 

So lovingly he convinced my lil one to learn. She agreed. But her being my daughter as strong, didnt sit on the cycle until he taught her how to drive a car !! 

he also gave his car to her. And I wept sitting behind both of them. At a time, I could not breathe and got out to get some air. For so many reasons. That lil baby whom I was taking care of for so many years by me. She is now grown up enough to drive. She has been helped by someone else other than me to learn (of course besides the teachers). She has grown up in this University & people have truly helped. I have also asked for help shamelessly. 

A big thank you, Atul 

Freedom to get ready. Sometimes.

 Well, I think I overdid getting ready today. 

I wanted to wear a silk saree because its cold & North India allows Silk only during cold. I have very few sarees that may be celebratory or to be worn in Weddings / Diwali. Most of them are daily functional wear. Simple with no metal wire weave in them. Basic, simple cottons. 

As far as I remember n know, objectification of women was a taboo in my house due to the communist thoughts and reading by my father. I must say, those communist thoughts of equality & liberty have helped me grow personally & professionally. 

But what was missed out was expression of self, as one would want. To dress up. Get ready. 

& somehow being simple is the only thing that is and was followed for everyday. That has become the grind anyways. Get up get ready, wear something presentable. wear everyday accessories or jewelry and run to work. Finish the house tasks before and after work. Run, keep running. 

Whenever there is a time to go to a wedding me being the driver & also because I give preference to getting my little one ready first, arrange and organize the tiffin, water bottle, extra dress etc. Then somehow do myself and go to the wedding with the bags that I carry for that. No, my kids not a toddler anymore. Yet. Habits. But then, habits. Asking if its ok if I wear this. Is it ok if I do this. Although I know this is simple enough. 

We happen to buy the fineries but in our daily worker - life, we are not able to wear them ever. Let alone body-image issues of being an ok size for the photos etc. Well today, selfie may not be great. But I felt beautiful within. 

But today, I felt freedom. In dressing up. In wearing what I wanted to wear. Accessories. flowers in my hair and whatever. I felt the freedom to not having to ask anyone's opinion / follow the rules of the family. It felt good. Liberated. 

Owing to the daily grind that we or our family go through if we are able to buy the fineries that maybe only the yesteryear select-few could own, we worker class people don't happen to get to use them. And waiting for a special day for your fineries just keeps them in the cupboard I don't until when. 

Does your presence threaten people ? Do they lash out at you because of that ?

I write this post, when I again got lashed at by this person who obviously for some reason thought it was easy to lash out at me, despite we being at the same position. While just a week ago, I was told that I happen to threaten people. 

This time I thought I am going to ask this person why does he feel it to be easy to lash out at me ? 

These were my options : 

1. I am too young a colleague at the same position, 10 whole years youngers to him. 

2. I am a legit student of great institutes in India. 

3. I am a woman. 

4. I do not have the guy who will beat him up for being the badtamees. 

5. He dislikes me. 

6. He is threatened of me working way more than him / achieving more than him. 

He said none of the above was applicable, let alone the fact that he did not let me talk at all, due to the high & / deep barritone voice he has & did not let me complete my sentences as well. 

I asked if none of the above was applicable, then who else does he lash out on. He replied, I lash out another female who reports to him. I reminded him of the fact that I did not report to him. 

That he should understand how to behave. To people on the same position as him. & everyone else too. This person has very merrily lashed out at me for more than a few times. He has been likewise reminded by the top management to not do so. I would love to give him the benefit of doubt & the try to forgive looking at the fact he is a human, but then I have decided to not get affected anymore due to his behavior. May he receive some understanding at 50 th year of his age. 

I received the courage to face him after the weekend of contemplation & answers via the process of asking the people in a community on fb. I need to teach people how to treat me. Giving too much respect to everyone is not needed at times. Did I mention, that he did not apologize ? 

Sanmitra, you need to learn how to do this without being manipulative. That's quite a challenge. 

Oh my, Sanmitra you are so learned & you still go through this behavior ? How is that possible ? Well, I am not perfect & I do not know how to handle each situation. But looks like this time I attempted to handle this situation well enough. 

___________________________________________________________________

Just when I had received the feedback, I had asked for help from a group about what should I do about this kind of a feedback. Was I alone ? 

I got a feedback & rather keep getting feedback - That people find me threatening. 

Wait, everyone ? no, not everyone. People who want to compete with me / (trying to say this with hesitation) jealous people.  

How many single people here are given a feedback that they are threatening because they happen to do everything on their own.

I mean do we have the choice of playing the damsel in distress card? (Gender agnostic)

Looking at the fact that what needs to be done, needs to be done irrespective.

How have you handled this ?

I couldn't care less if people see me as threatening or intimidating. That's a them problem not a me problem.

true that , but at job front it is seen as a lesser team member, since other people get threatened by the fact tht one happens to work things out due to possibly a more serious outlook towards the job being single.

  in a job I guess it depends on the situation. If you are able to work things out quicker than your colleagues, that is great, but they also need a chance to learn how do do whatever it is they cannot quite do as efficiently. So sometimes I need to step back and let another person do job x, even though I know I could do it better.

It can be very frustrating if you are better at things than your colleagues. Perhaps you need to move to a more senior or specialised position, if you can.

I'm in a situation now where my bosses simply don't believe I can do harder work, even though I've proved to them I can. They won't even give me the opportunity to learn. So I'm looking for a better job, where the management hopefully trust their staff.

I'm a six feet tall, muscular martial artist with a resting bitchface. I could let someone do everything for me and I'd probably still be threatening to insecure people 

And tbh I love being threatening. People leave you alone^^

yes. It does feel good to be on our own but sometimes (yes, very lil times) it feels lonely n left out at workplace then.

 So far I don't. I've never been the damsel in distress and I've been the outsider weirdo all my life maybe not belonging is just my natural state so I don't really notice it^^

I have encountered many people who think I need help when I do not. Is this what you are talking about? So it is more that they are trying to scare or threaten ME, as they put out the worldview that I can't make it on my own! Ugh! Rather than that I appear as a threat to them? I also rely on so many others to 'get MY stuff done' and that is one reason why I like the term solo. A soloist musician can have an entire orchestra backing them up. A solo hike of the Appalachian Trail has many folks helping with education and supplies and just general Trail Angel behaviors. Etc.

Nah, I m actually talking of the times when people feel I m threatening enough to never be there even when I may need help. Let alone the fact that I find it difficult to ask due to the acquired extreme independence.

 I am not seen as scary in my community and work. I have cultivated that purposely. I can get away with a lot with a harmless and helpful reputation. In my family I think the word most used to descibe me is 'sweet'

in reality I am a big cranky grouchy person

I get told by men all the time that I'm "intimidating to them" because I'm independent, intelligent, attractive, and I moved to a foreign country on my own. I don't give a shit because A. I don't want a man and B. I'm not going to be watering myself down for anyone to make them happy. I'm peaceful and mean no harm to anyone, and I love myself.

Exactly!! Well said..... Been there~~~

yep, I got told I needed to 'look and act girly' if I wanted to attract a man. I credit that day, and that person, for my decision to be single for life rather than compromise who I am. I was furious at the person, but I think I needed to hear it. I needed to hear that being coupled would be completely unsuited to who I was, and to become confident that being single was okay. It took me a long time, but I got there. 

Other people's opinion of me is none of my business. I'm too busy getting the shit done that needs to be done 

Yes. I predominantly see this at work and when I dated.

my style of speaking is very direct and to the point so it’s doubly hard because it’s received as aggressive — because I am a woman. my voice/intonation is deeper and I tend to not inflect the end of my sentences (which communicates insecurity l) as a quality of my culture and that contributes greatly to how I’m received. My feedback is consistently that im not a team player (I hate office culture, I find it fake and draining)when im normally carrying my work and others because I have greater knowledge (im sme level right now). I also have diagnosed adhd so my hyperfocus allows me to go from novice to expert in many subjects rapidly and when you have a great deal of skill, insecure people tend to find fault rather than inspiration from you.

To your question: I don’t handle it because it is not an impediment to my existence nor is it damaging with the people who value me.

A guy on date 3 said he didn't see us having any long term potential bc I didn't "need" anything from him. Lol bu-byeee! That's right buddy you gotta be special enough to be wanted 

Was there any explanation why they see you as threatening? There’s a difference between wanting to do things by yourself and appearing threatening. I struggle with team dynamics myself and prefer to work solo but it would be good to break this down a bit more. Was the feedback from your manager or a colleague

oh I have tried gelling in. Colleagues have moved away because I get more done & I m more like the talk of the town for gossip mongers. & the feedback is from the manager.

Nope, never

I mean I’ve been told I look like a thug, but that was outside of work and nothing to do with me being single.

I wish I looked like a thug.

are you “threatening”?

…or do THEY *FEEL* threatened?

bc the responsibility for that latter is not on you.

u r right. I dont threaten deliberately.

of course you don’t!

Thanks for the language pointer yes they feel threatened

I'm extra petite, so had to fight all my life with the opposite. People offering help and me wanting to stubbornly do everything on my own...

I've had that happen when men of a lower socioeconomic status than me find out I know how to fly planes and own a house. Well, if you are threatened by this affable, friendly gal who likes flying, classic cars and the finer things in life, we aren't a match. So, I stick to dating men similar to me, who are used to seeing gal like me do well in life. I will just be my authentic self, so that I can find a man who likes me for me and I feel the same for him.

A friend recently woke me up to why I had problems dating in high school. I grew up in a blue collar town, but my parents were prominent, successful professionals. Class differences scared the boys who might have considered dating me. It's sad but class differences can be a problem. I had no problems with gal-pals. We were all friends and overlooked and didn't even talk about socioeconomic class @#$%. We just had fun and accepted each other as we were. Boys were another story. They either bullied me or ignored me 

I now live in an affluent community and feel more at home. I am making new friends and feel that I have a better chance of meeting a man who is a better fit. We just have fun and don't worry about that other #$%@.

Thank you for asking that question!! Its a good one to think about.

The only time I'm seen as threatening is when a married woman doesn't trust her husband around me. 

yeah, tht too. I quickly BroZone everyone possible. 

Yep, married women sometimes assume that I am so desperate for male attention, that I might proposition their husbands. Really sad.

I do know that me being independent and single is kind of intimidating to a lot of men in my country, but mostly its just because in my country its kinda more traditional and more male dominated. I also get criticized by own family and society for being the old maid or something lol... but my solution is just to move out and stay on my own and just tune in the voices. Its hard sometimes sure.... but ... a day at a time 

I frequently get that feedback, but I have the practical skills of a blind rhino so I can't be totally self sufficient much to my frustration.

I do what I know needs to be done and ignore comments.

My problem is my neighbor who thinks I need his help, and he comes over and man-jacks my projects and causes more problems than he solves. He's super forceful and I finally stood up to him hard. I thanked my other neighbor for talking to him when the bull-in-a-china-shop left me alone for a while, and he said he didn't say anything, it was all me successfully asserting myself.

 awesome!!!

I've been told smart women are threatening and often things go better for me in society if I play dumb. People are intimidated by intelligence especially if it's in the form of a woman. Tired of people being surprised that I know stuff. Being smart is often a reason people blame me for not finding some guy. If I appeared less intelligent and therefore less threatening perhaps more guys would be interested they say. I'm just very uninterested in being a parent to some overgrown teenager just to be in a relationship. Not really into having to play stupid ... For argue that I actually know things. Experiencing a lot of gender bias from the older generations... They expect females to be much more domestically interested and less interested in the outdoors than I am.

YES!!! This exactly. So many people have told me I'm too smart. Yeah, get lost then, go be stupid somewhere else. 

The only thing is I find it's older female relatives who caution me not to act too smart in other words don't be yourself dumb it down. They also think finding some guy to marry and have kids with is of the utmost importance.. not at all important to me. The logic is really contradictory if a woman plays dumb to attract a man who is somehow supposed to be smarter and take care of her? No thanks not interested in a lifetime of dumbing it down... And no it's not even about post-secondary education I didn't finish my masters degree.. it's a general state of how dare you be smarter than the guy

I've been told smart women are threatening and often things go better for me in society if I play dumb. People are intimidated by intelligence especially if it's in the form of a woman. Tired of people being surprised that I know stuff. Being smart is often a reason people blame me for not finding some guy. If I appeared less intelligent and therefore less threatening perhaps more guys would be interested they say. I'm just very uninterested in being a parent to some overgrown teenager just to be in a relationship. Not really into having to play stupid ... For argue that I actually know things. Experiencing a lot of gender bias from the older generations... They expect females to be much more domestically interested and less interested in the outdoors than I am.

YES!!! This exactly. So many people have told me I'm too smart. Yeah, get lost then, go be stupid somewhere else. 

The only thing is I find it's older female relatives who caution me not to act too smart in other words don't be yourself dumb it down. They also think finding some guy to marry and have kids with is of the utmost importance.. not at all important to me. The logic is really contradictory if a woman plays dumb to attract a man who is somehow supposed to be smarter and take care of her? No thanks not interested in a lifetime of dumbing it down... And no it's not even about post-secondary education I didn't finish my masters degree.. it's a general state of how dare you be smarter than the guy

In the 60's, living in small towns, I knew girls in my class who actually put down wrong answers on tests. They were very worried that getting straight A's would make it impossible to get dates. I knew one girl whose boyfriend told her "You better quit getting A's in math and science or I will dump you." One girl said she never bothered talking to boys whose grades were not as high as hers. They refused even to talk to her when they found out she was gifted. Sick.

Susan - wow - i just got the dont be too smart thing after my first degree (before that i was allowed to be smart) Med size city - a few decades later

I hate that so much! I am pretty smart (master's degree) and I'm not about to play dumb for some doofus

I have been told I’m intimidating because I have a good job, own my own car, and own a $300k house all by myself. And my only roommate is my son. I don’t want/need anyone to help pay for the house. I do my own maintenance and if I cannot do it, I hire someone to do it for me. I have been fiercely independent since I had my son at 18 and his dad ran away from us. 25 years later I have never lived with anyone else, lover or roommate. And I am fine with that. I will keep doing it all myself.

I hear I am intimidating all the time. If I was a man, they'd throw a parade for me.

I totally agree. I hate that. I want my own parade!

 I have heard the same thing many times!

I agree. I hate being ignored because I'm single

Badass

I’m trying to get better at articulating when I would like help, rather than when I need help (which is rare). But I tend to get frustrated waiting on someone else and sort it out independently!

I am horrible at damsel in distress, it comes as easily as breathing to others.

Have been told I’m intimidating or too independent many a time, I just figure these people are the ones with the problem.

Oh yes! Too independent was the first I heard. Then the intimidating thing. And then there are the ones who punish you for it and when you ask why they didn't offer to help you at a point when it must have been obvious that you could have used help, they say, well, I thought you didn't need help!

I agree! I don't want a man who is intimidated by me

I've got shifty eyes. Y'all watch out.

Eh, I was threatening/intimidating in a relationship too. It's weird because the way I am is just how folks ARE in my family. Women and AFAB folks don't wait around or shrink themselves for a dude. Apparently it's threatening to be able to change a tire or repair the washer or be into martial arts and outdoor skills? Not fawning over dudes who flex their looks/wealth/power/etc? I'm nice and polite and helpful until I'm messed with, so sounds like a personal problem on their part 

Not threatening, but like ... apparently it is wrong to be independent. 'You need to ask for help' as if it's a requirement. I like to figure out things on my own. It's true, sometimes I ought to ask for help and I don't. But why every single time?

It feels a lot like people have no faith in me to figure things out on my own ... which, knowing I absolutely CAN figure things out, must be a projection of the people making the comments.

This is why being around a majority of people makes me so sad. People have such low expectations. It is completely discouraging and demotivating. On my own, or with people that have faith in me, I can challenge myself, and it's okay to make mistakes!

yes I agree it really is disappointing how low the intellectual (and cultural) level of most people is

I agree. That's part of my problem. I'm trying to find love in a world full of guys who aren't sophisticated culturally

Hm have you tried hitch or hinge I forget what it’s called. It suggests people connected to your FB friends. If your FB friends are cultured then that might work. There’s also the league. It is for ‘elites’- initially educational elites but now maybe trending more toward financially wealthy. But in any case higher likelihood of finding a cultured person on there than on other dating sites. I haven’t tried these myself but know people who have.

“You are not intimidating, they are intimidated. There is a difference.” One of the best things that was said to me by a work colleague.

I feel very fortunate. I never experience any negativity toward being single. I'm fierce, I'm independent and nobody will stand in my way. That's the energy I put out in the universe. It has been well accepted by everyone in my life.

you have to teach people how to treat you. I've had to do it constantly. They learn. Some get mad. Those people usually go away. Or I request it.

Truly, I must thank everyone who s answered here.

I truly felt supported by each of you answering & letting me know that I am not alone in situations like this. I could smash the self doubt immediately due to this.

Yes, I will be able to not feel bad n bruised due to such feedback at work now. Because acting dumb is truly not possible for me to do.

Been told many times than men find me intimidating because independent and intelligent. If I am suppose to dumb myself down to have a partner, then I rather be alone. To me it says more about them than me. As for work, not really an issue because most of my work has/is independent. I did get told the reason why I wasn't liked by the "in crowd" at one job. Believe it not, it was because I don't gossip! Give me a break. I'll allow my professional reputation speak for itself and it has served me well.

true that. I think the very fact that we do not have the time to gossip also must be threatening enough.

Yes, several men have told me I’m too independent. Now I’m independent of them so I guess they were right.

One odd facet of this that I've found is in regard to physical strength. I often decline a man's help to lift or carry stuff if I can do it. And they often seem insulted by this. I don't like to ask for men to carry my shit just because it's convenient for me or they could do it easier -- IF I need help I'll certainly ask, but just expecting them to lug shit like a pack horse is just inconsiderate in my view, even if it's what they want to do.

I typically don't ask for help either unless I'm physically incapable and then I appreciate an offer. A lot of men just do it to be polite

I know they do it to be polite, that was my point--that if you declined they feel insulted.

Why is it a female's responsibility of how some male feels if you decline help. The whole idea that females are supposed to own someone else's feelings yet males can do whatever they want is ridiculous. All the biases like men would need help with housework or someone to cook for them or such. I guess I don't see men blamed for being single or being urged to change or be this or that or whatever quite the double standard sometimes

I've cut out most people and their noises from my life. So I go on living my life I deem fit

true. cutting out helps, but at times it is difficult when it is shown as a feedback, because the major population thinks that one is threatening because one does not need help.

Turning in the 20 years.

 Disappearance. 

A block sometimes 20 year old. 

Sometimes life happened. 

I have been reminiscing the twenty whole years that passed by when I turned 40 this year. There is so much that went right & so much that went wrong. Somehow something really good, something I truly desired came up after something really bad happened. 

One should act through abundance, our Professor said. Abundance in what ? Goodness or pain. I don't know that. Pain I have had enough. More than. & looks like I have acted in abundance therein. Accommodating to every situation that came in. Maybe fighting at times, maybe struggling. Gosh, I have got used to function well in struggle. eeks. 

As long as I remember, I wanted to do something in the field of drawing, or rather that was what connected to my heart & it still is. It's just that I did not know the amount of investment that comes in & relatively not as much RoI unless one becomes a very famous artist or a the best in talent. I am sure that I may not be the best. In fact there is no way one may prove the 'best ness in art, in Design. Art & Design does sit on the branch of the golden & diamond tree. Well that's not where I came from. 

Like any other 20 year old, I tried working through it. I lived through it. Abundance truly did not exist. I did not really have the luxury of pursuing the form of Art that felt right at that moment. I trudged along what could be the best possible way to survive. I am lucky enough to have a good grasping power over various subjects and that has helped me earn my bread. I am absolutely thankful for that. Right from entrepreneurship with starting a company at 19, working with my ex-husband to set up a Graphic Design company successfully to getting in NID. I have been able to do it all. Along with the typical ghar-grahasti of cooking cleaning serving the family and trying to prove the worth of getting married to a person who did not truly reciprocate as much. Going through Deaths, Losses, & major life threatening conditions, working from the 5 th day of a caesarian birth to a little one, I have seen it all. I have always wanted & wanted more. I have wanted to do more, get more love in return. Be as consumerist as possible. I wanted to reach a standard of living on my own. Sky is also not the limit. Sometimes a human does get greedy. I wanted love, I wanted stability, I wanted to match consumeristic standards of beauty, I wanted to give more to feel more better, be more altruistic. All said and done altruism is another set of selfishness wherein the giver feels great. I expected as well. I kept serving. To all my relationships & beyond. 

& I lost my 20 years to it. 

Maybe I am a little more self bound now. I have understood, that giving may give me happiness but maybe giving does not always guarantee love, friendship, niceness in return. People do lie, do cheat, do trouble you, forget you gave & turn on you whenever possible at times only because they are in the habit of behaving so. My behavior will not change anyone's reaction to me. However nice we may be to them. It is not their fault they cannot return your niceness. This understanding itself is very calming, very peaceful. 

Somehow desires about anything & everything have reduced. 

There are these worldly regrets of not having the typical college fun of going on trips, smoking, drugs, alcohol, not having enough flirtatious relationships, not hanging around, not letting my hair loose. There was a time when i wasnt allowed all that while afterwards there was a time when I chose to stay away from that. Being from a conservative middle class maharashtrian family, there were super strict rules for me in the house. I was scared to the core to not over-rule them & somewhere following rules still feels simpler to me. Despite following rules, I do not really follow a cult. Any cult any herd mentality immediately gives in a warning bell. I try to act reasonable, fair. But then again, I am not perfect. Gossip mongers may think I do not belong. 

This, ' I do not belong has increased a lot these days. Being a single mother, I am too busy to belong. Too busy to socialize. Because socialize here in the North India comes with the expense of one giving in some heartfelt conversation for public foray of gossip. & otherwise not being interesting enough for gossip material & considered as a big boring person. There are very less friendships of just existing without mutual expectations. The niceness of a person is questioned. So much so, that I have become a quiet inward person versus the extrovert I used to be. Maybe hence I write. 

Has this changed due to my age or my circumstances or both ? 

Did I forget what is it that I wanted to do 20 years ago ? Life was simpler, but in shackles. So much of 'you are a girl / woman & hence you cannot do this, do that. I overcome a lot slowly & surely. But possibly have come far enough to be overtly independent enough to not be helped in by anyone anymore. Those shackles & learning via the shackles has also actually helped. They have helped me to not depend on anyone for anything. 

Its just yesterday that I finally made in a studio for myself in the house I am staying. A separate space for me to paint in, to create. It was possibly for the first time yesterday that I zoned out to do a calligraphic piece. To not feel guilty about not answering my daughter's call. 

Striving for freedom. Yes. That remains. I think I have achieved a lot of freedom by now. 

& Now is the time to bask in the freedom, to feel good about it & act in abundance of the freedom. That will take time. For me to finally feel that I need to do all that I have wanted to do as a child. To not deviate my dreams any longer. To keep working & to create. 

I write this after going through a complete creative block for more than 10 days herein. Life is changing. Feeling less predictable. There is no sure shot destination anymore, & there is no hedonic living anymore. 

Maturity is seeping in. No way out of that. Not wanting to waste the remaining the remaining 20 years for sure.