Friday, February 26, 2016

is the world ending for me.

this is a lot of things together.
first and foremost. i m missing my daughter too much!.
i cry everyday!

but then,
I m feeling free. the atmosphere here is free. i could walk all alone on the seashore - i walked the cliff on my own - all through . got a bronzy look. i am living on my own.
i am out of the mundane things.
I have liberated all the people whom i have bound with my love and expectations.
everything's answered.
I have got everything - there is no new wish in the horizon - except my care for my little one.

I have become free.

do i think that my soul is ready to set free now?
am i approaching death naturally. ?

written in Ireland when i missed her so much!
i do not know if every mom has a similar feeling as I do! of so much of a linkage to our own kids ? 

Baggage towards everyone around us!


We shed one baggage and gather another. There are times, when we believe we can do something. Our mind says so. Our heart says so. And it does not happen. Because the world does not believe so. 

We think we can get into a college. But we could not. We think I could have been someone, but I stepped down for someone. I wanted to be the prime minister of India, but then I got married, :P funny enough, my Dad keeps saying this. :) 

The literal meaning of Baggage is - past experiences or long-held attitudes perceived as burdensome encumbrances. 

The past experiences which create so much of a burden on ourselves. 

Because we could not achieve something, we tend to see the reasons why we could not. We tend to think on why could we not get something. We wail, not cry over it. Then, after looking into what we could have done, we look into what someone else could have done something for us in that regards. 

And mostly parents are to be blamed. I had a baggage towards my late mom. I do have some for my Dad as yet. 

But I have learnt something after she passed away. The baggage goes away all by itself. It disappeared. It went with her. That space in my mind was filled by her memories. (of the ones that I did not have too, i.e. of the moments that I had imagined, and were not). All that she reminds me of or I want to be reminded about her is the love that she could give me. Here in could give is very important. I always wanted more from her. Like any other little kid, I wanted her for myself. When kids, we do not tend to understand that other roles that she was in then. We feel as kids that she is my mom and she better be available for myself and only myself. I had this baggage and tried to keep getting attention from her. 

But today, when I look at my kid, I can see the same desire in her. 
Today I understand, why could my mom not be with me. Today I understand, she had a lot of things to cater to when being her, the mom, because I am a mom. Today I understand, how difficult it would have been to her when saying a simple no to me so that I become independent and do the task myself. Be it not paying my college fees then.

Hence I have forgiven my Dad, for his part of baggage. And others too. 

All said done, now what ? Baggage forgiven is good, but the consequences of those actions remain. Those actions that we as individuals performed as a reaction to the Baggage. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Those actions result into some really irreversible mistakes in life. What about them. 

No I do not have an answer in this blog. I am looking for one. 

Ending with a small note written by a friend : 

kwahishe toh chhoti chhoti thi, poori na hui toh badi lagne lagi. 

This means, sometimes our wishes are really small. They become big (BIG) when they are not fulfilled. 

Sometimes in my mind, I feel baggage should thrown away asap, but then we realize it is a baggage only after it is too late and has started haunting us already. Nevertheless, better late than never!