Wednesday, December 28, 2011

every-day is good

Oh the good old days- yes this is what we all feel. We all feel there was a time when i used to happy.. but if we really remember, during that happy time - did we think that there will be a day that we will be happier. that we will have that happiest day in life. NO I don't think there is any Happiest day.. because all days are happy. just that we realize it a little too later.
In school, i always felt- Oh! when I will start earning I will be happiest, then I will be able to buy all that I want. And now when that is really the case, I think so what if I can buy everything i need? I still want that birthday gift I used to get in school. That free life.
Responsibility. That is the word - and bang! you come back to reality. You come out of that looking into the beautiful old days.. Yes maybe today we are more responsible than yesterday. and tomorrow will be more. and more.
So it just came to my mind- this actually means that today this moment - I can share with my colleagues, my daughter, my kin, my friends is happy. live it fullest. and yes it will never come back.. never. .but it is there to stay now!! feels good.

Monday, December 12, 2011

THREE ZERO - thirty

Awwww..... I still cant get hold of it.. I suddenly have to be a grown up. I still look back to my childhood for problem solution activities. I have still so much to do which I haven't done.
I had decided a few things to do after i start earning. It is a very funny list. I am sure everyone has one..
1.I wanted to buy my own Barbie, her doll house, her new dresses. hehe.
2.I wanted to go to a place full of nature, all alone, and stand there in open air like they do in Titanic.
3.I wanted to wear all fashionable things, which I could not as a kid.(which i have never tried and i don't think now i will or can)
4.I wanted to own all the story books in the world.
5.I wanted to drive on my own, a plane, fly in sky.
6.Draw anyone live to utter perfection. (life drawing)
7.learn one language per year (so that i will know the amount of languages per year of life)
8.i wanted to start a women's - all girls movement to be self - sufficient
9.I wanted a make-up kit, with all color lipstick (leave alone the fact that i don't use lipstick now.)
all kinds of mad things..
I agree, adults are kids with money. I still look forward to fulfill these childhood dreams, just that i have a child now too. Hence we will be two kid together, One child - one year old, and another thirty year old - tomorrow..
sometimes it just comes to my mind, that irrespective however old we get, we do keep looking back into our childhood to wish for dreams and to fulfill them ..

I am happy i will be living again..

Friday, December 2, 2011

art by

I guess I was in sixth or eighth grade, I am not sure. There was an exhibition in my school. We had to carry some artworks. I and my mom and her artist friend, padma aunty had made this huge A-1 size peacock with peacock feathers and pistachio covers on the huge thermocol sheet..And I had put (in huge letters) Art BY- Sanmitra
I remeber, mom and me used to also go shopping, we ought to get the very unusual thing in the store or rather the street. She actually taught me to think beyond the ordinary as a kid. Then that became a habit.I kept saying that i want to do something different in my life.
I did not know the jargon of innovation or inventive that time.I even used to say I want be the greatest 'drawer'- the person who draws-artist-on the earth.And mom used to always reply by- study for now, you can keep drawing all your life. And that is exactly what I am doing currently.
I am convocating in a couple of days from the National Institute of Design.That was more like dream that mom had seen for me. She was always proud of my achievements. Be it coming first in the class or getting a good job or achieving something so specifically..I always looked forward to my result days, my birthdays, because those were the times, when mom was very sweet with me. so little moments..
How I wish she was here to see her 'ART BY' daughter convocating from the leading design institute of India. How i wish, i got that hug/ that appreciation/ that smile which only she could give. I really can't express this in words.
Sometimes it comes to my mind, that we can keep ourselves from sharing grief. But we need to share happiness, with the right people at right time.somehow this happiness seems so incomplete or at times nullified without her around.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

fairy tales..

i read a lot of story books as a kid. a lot of fairy tales, where everything has a great happy ending. yes there were a lot of hardships, a lot of trouble around, but then there was a happy ending to it.
because there was not story beyond it.I still remember a lot of fairy tales around. A lot of moral stories too.. that honesty is the best policy, friend in need..etc etc..I wonder that if any of these really work.
It took me almost thirty years to understand, that here in world, nothing works better than diplomatics and politics and lies. Leave alone the fact that I still dont know how to handle it, as one needs to be good at it to handle. A very close friend of mine, says,diplomacy is not a bad thing, its a good thing to do.' But that applies only if you are best at it.
oh there are so many things that I still don't possess (qualities) to be fit in this world. I wonder if I am not fit to survive here. (Darwins's theory). I still try to find out my fairy tale world in this life. I still want to believe in Humanism, love, everything being beautiful, good..
And there are times when this also works, but very subtle. Like an old friend contacting u when u have almost dropped out any hopes of goodness. But today everythings so limited. I think - the time is so limited. Where is the time to dream like the fairy tale? But its so funny, I still am looking forward to a fairy tale, while writing this. I am still wanting to find the happy story within.
the pursuit of happines. hmmpf..

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

What is your caste?

I never found this question untill i got married to a guy who was not of my caste. Until, his family members did not trouble me over and over again making me remind of my caste and that i dont belong to them. I felt this got over on the marriage base.
My parents always taught me/ rather told me that I belonged to the caste of humanity.As a little kid, i believed this. I was never introduced to this caste system. Because they almost never allowed me to be in the 'caste consious' company.
But it is just recently that a new friend asked caste (i m sure not intentively, but casually)
it just came to my mind, why are these caste systems made, maybe to differentiate, the kind of customs or work in a group of people. the new caste system could hold in castes like, doctors, engineers, artists, etc. I seriously feel they cannot be used as the discretion towards ones ability or knowledge or status either..
But I guess it is a part of life, that we as Indians live with. Like it or not, we live with this, whether open or reserved. Why cant we choose to be of no caste whatsoever?

Friday, November 4, 2011


i left my little one at the creche today for an hour! 5 nov 2011.. so many mixed feelings. will she able to adjust, will she accept the people there. Will she cry? Will she miss me and will not adjust ? and on the other hand- will she forget me? become distant to me?
But when I gave her in the hands of the creche lady. i suddenly realized that my 14 month old had suddenly grown up. Her world had extended far beyond me. She instantly mixed up with the other little kids around..And here I was tears in my eyes while filling in the creche address book. No, I cannot explain the anxiety that had. I went back home and come much before time to pick her again.
I realized that she was learning to live the human life which is a social life. She was trying to experience, observe who and how are people behaving around her. They were different than whom she met.She is selective on whom to talk to and whom not to.
I just wonder if there is intuition happening at this age too? Do they understand intuitively whom they should talk to and whom not to? And do we as adults, loose this power. In fact do we possess it as kids?
it comes to my mind, could there be a worlds, where we talk to everyone. there would be no bad people, just good around..I know this is an impossible thinking. but 'sochne mein kya jaata hai'?

Sunday, September 18, 2011


yes it is two years you are not to be precise.. Yes I miss you a lot.But no! i still don't dare to hang a photo of yours on my wall and hang a mala over it.. no i don't want to reminded everyday that you are not with me, mom. i am still afraid, I cannot accept this that you could be present in the photo..when in actual i still cannot forget the face on the stature, with eyes closed and the skin turned blue.. I think this is more than enough for me to know that you are not there. i don't need a photo..although a lot of photoes of my mom-in-law in the house do remind me of me not putting up your photo on my wall..
i still feel like calling you or telling you about all the exciting things that happened in the day, like i used to do after school.. i still feel like sharing in jokes by actually bragging you aai, please can i tell you a joke? whenever i visit any new place or city i feel like calling you up and giving way to my anxiety, sharing all that i can.
it is just some time ago that my sister told me that i cannot be omnipresent for my daughter and i should stop trying to be with her all the time for her own good.i completely agree to it..
but sometimes it really comes to my mind, aai you are not there physically but i am sure you are there (omnipresent)for me by not being present physically..

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

how close is close?

the experience was so different. generally she keeps wiggling in my arms wants to set free, scream , cry, laugh..but today i felt that she was actually trying to feel my warmth..this is such a different feeling. i had placed my hand on her tummy. the hand off course almost covered her torso. She laid quiet..holding my hand and rubbing her sweet little finger on them.
i don't know. was she trying to feel the touch she had recognized from her birth now. was it a different feeling to her mind? i wish she could speak and i could ask her..but she kept smiling.. she was so happy that i could give her time, be by her side..
this relation of a mother daughter is so self contenting.. was it for the first time or did i not notice this before due to being busy? this relationship with her- i hope it flourishes more, i and saee share a relation above every else in the world..
i feel she is gonna be everything for me.. i hope she feels the same..this closeness is so much ahead of any other closeness..

Thursday, June 23, 2011

kolkata - perception of beauty..

i always wanted to be here as a kid. the idea of Rabindranath Tagore's shantiniketan was a beautiful idea to me as a fourth standard kid. of having a free school.. I did go to a free school for PG that is NID , National Institute of Design, but the feeling I had as a kid was really different, cool..
Also the Parineeta. Chokher Bali, the beauty of those movies. I always found the Bengali girls beautiful. I always felt that Kolkata is the most romantic city in India..I also had a beautiful roommate Ananya..I always felt there is something behind those huge kajole laden eyes of the Bengali beauties..
I came here and hardly found any beauties, Nor did the city look beautiful in the todays standards of beauties.. I did see a couple of beautiful girls though.. I think it was more of this pre- positive - thinking that makes me feel that Kolkata is still beautiful..
I loved it. I liked the British Architecture buildings everywhere.. the high roofed places which give a soothing feeling.. in the scatteredness of this city, i still think it is beautiful it is well spaced. It is nice..
Sometimes it comes to my mind. so many years of thinking that Kolkata must be beautiful, makes it look more than life beautiful to me..would it not be great if I could think of everything in my life like that? that would make everything so positive in life..

Monday, June 13, 2011

coming back to life..

just got some free time, so I called up my long lost friends. courtesy FB off course. I got the phone numbers from it.
it just came to my mind, that FB shows me that these friends do what, go where, tell me about their minds, everything.. still the satisfaction that i got after I called them was immense.It was too cool..felt good. even listening to what they said made me understand their world...I was just a listener...
as a chain of events, this uplifted my mood like anything. It would obviously.. i am so much a peoples person and it is almost 9- 10 months that i don't interact a lot with the outer world. it is just me and my baby (which is equally satisfying but the feel is different)I sat that night and did 3 paintings,actually 1 full two half :) acrylics on canvas, and suddenly that smell of the acrylic paint made me feel many little things give so much pleasure to life. there is no need of anything ''high-fundu'' for that..
doing something just for the whim of it gives super duper pleasure which nothing else can.. specially not an assignment..
so natural for a human mind to feel good when free rather than strangled in the day to day deadlines..

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

am i missing myself?

where have been..God. i dunno..a little kid and the whole world changes.. so less energy i have and so little time.. i have forgetten how to take time and write and take time to read , draw.. oh where is my sweet time?
ye si was busy before too..but now maybe i am engaged too
when she stays away from me , she stays with some one. but then when I return to her, dhe cries and tries to tell me where have u been i need u .. how can u be away from me..
that bothers me. nake me feel.. what is hte right thing to do to be with her or work so that i am able to provide for her.. it is so very tempting to be with her.. I remember the autumn and sonata..And i still dont know what to do ..

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

innocence-have i lost mine?

i happened to meet a lady while travelling. this lady was a "pure" home maker. her world was me, my husband, my kids. My happiness is lies in the happiness of my kids, so on and so forth. so much like the ekta kapoor serial. Yes there are people who truly exist. This lady was not even exposed to various things in life. For her a mall was the only place of difference. For her it was fun and enjoyment. Little was she worried about the Japan incident or maybe even the India Pakistan match. She was merrily happy in her own world. So much of innocence. The word independence was not even there in her dictionary. or it just meant something different.

I met her. I felt jealous. For her happiness. I am exposed to a lot things makes me more fortunate though. But does not make me stress free like her. this is what i felt as the primary feeling. but then on a second thought. off course she is a human. she must be having her own set of problems adn stresses. But whatever, for a second I felt it must be an easy life. My granny also was similar. She never stepped out of the house (for any responsibility, off course she went out for meeting friends and similar things). She completely managed the house.

But then is that what i want to do? no. I love the challenges i have in life. And I truly cannot imagine a life without its challenges. I would actually want them grow, so that i go beating through them like walking in a forest of thorns, but still coming out unbruised. Hurt yes cannot be avoided, but there is a definite fun in having loads of problems and challenges around.

sometimes it comes to my mind, is the way i am going is the right way or hers and my granny's.. as a woman?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

my long hair

I have got long long hair now..and I am loving it.. I always wanted to have them. I used to always tell my mom, see mom, my hair has grown longer now.And she used to reply it is not long enough.But guess what i cant flaunt them now. although i have long hair, i cannot flaunt them as i need to bun them otherwise they keep flowing here in there in my work which is definitely not desirable.
but the point of discussion is not this. this just came to mind, that this is a cycle, you wish for something, somethings you get very soon. For some you need to wait and when you get them then you don't really need them. there would be a time when you yearned for something so badly, you were wanting to do anything to get it. but then at times when you get it, then you dont really need it.
many of us must have experienced this. i will buy this when i earn, i will buy that when i earn. but what happens when you finally earn? you don't need to buy that thing. you have surpassed that era of wanting that thing.Another good example is a guy wooing a girl does anything for her in the courtship period, but after they get married, the same girl becomes a headache to him.
It sometimes comes to my mind, that why is it so, this is again I think this is an engagement, Nature wants us to yearn for something, so that we act, we remain active, and when we finally get it, we overlook it and find something more to yearn for..thats life my dear!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

and the world goes round again.

my mom must have started the same way, going to school, cribbing about siblings, the same way as i did. studying, looking out if she could make it to the best, if not best at least ok, just the same way as i did, score average, but keep working till success came..then i don't know maybe growing up. looking for alliance, getting married..
life change..
having kids..first me..studying while she was pregnant for me..
me troubling her for no reason.. husband dominating for no reason, she getting frustrated, at times finding me to vent that out..i still troubling her. not knowing how much she cares for me. then the entry of my sister, i feeling jealous, that i don't get my part of mom anymore,trying all level best to do so, studying hard to get that rank so that she would hug me, appreciate me.and look at me with her smile and not a frown. little did i know that she almost always looked at me with care, appreciated me. she lived a dream that her girls would get the best in life and live happily ever..After she died as well.
the situation is the same today..same..i got my daughter when studying.. and i too think, pray to God that she gets the best in life and does not go through any of the hurdles and ordeals that i did...

Monday, January 10, 2011


i had to write this..
my friend shubhi is coming to pune.. it will make us me, shubhi, rohini a group again. again we will be able to share the things we did in college. although not in the same way. as we all will be working now.
but my heart did miss a beat when she told me this news. it is so human to feel good to have friends. that connection, we can share with, have fun with. being in my hometown always had rohini for me. but now that we are a group again will make things more fun more nice and happy..
we can again sing 'mera tujhse hai pehle ka naata koi'
it s a wonderful feeling. no rationalization to it. it has sprung directly from my subconscious on to the front. and i am loving it..