Does your presence threaten people ? Do they lash out at you because of that ?

I write this post, when I again got lashed at by this person who obviously for some reason thought it was easy to lash out at me, despite we being at the same position. While just a week ago, I was told that I happen to threaten people. 

This time I thought I am going to ask this person why does he feel it to be easy to lash out at me ? 

These were my options : 

1. I am too young a colleague at the same position, 10 whole years youngers to him. 

2. I am a legit student of great institutes in India. 

3. I am a woman. 

4. I do not have the guy who will beat him up for being the badtamees. 

5. He dislikes me. 

6. He is threatened of me working way more than him / achieving more than him. 

He said none of the above was applicable, let alone the fact that he did not let me talk at all, due to the high & / deep barritone voice he has & did not let me complete my sentences as well. 

I asked if none of the above was applicable, then who else does he lash out on. He replied, I lash out another female who reports to him. I reminded him of the fact that I did not report to him. 

That he should understand how to behave. To people on the same position as him. & everyone else too. This person has very merrily lashed out at me for more than a few times. He has been likewise reminded by the top management to not do so. I would love to give him the benefit of doubt & the try to forgive looking at the fact he is a human, but then I have decided to not get affected anymore due to his behavior. May he receive some understanding at 50 th year of his age. 

I received the courage to face him after the weekend of contemplation & answers via the process of asking the people in a community on fb. I need to teach people how to treat me. Giving too much respect to everyone is not needed at times. Did I mention, that he did not apologize ? 

Sanmitra, you need to learn how to do this without being manipulative. That's quite a challenge. 

Oh my, Sanmitra you are so learned & you still go through this behavior ? How is that possible ? Well, I am not perfect & I do not know how to handle each situation. But looks like this time I attempted to handle this situation well enough. 

___________________________________________________________________

Just when I had received the feedback, I had asked for help from a group about what should I do about this kind of a feedback. Was I alone ? 

I got a feedback & rather keep getting feedback - That people find me threatening. 

Wait, everyone ? no, not everyone. People who want to compete with me / (trying to say this with hesitation) jealous people.  

How many single people here are given a feedback that they are threatening because they happen to do everything on their own.

I mean do we have the choice of playing the damsel in distress card? (Gender agnostic)

Looking at the fact that what needs to be done, needs to be done irrespective.

How have you handled this ?

I couldn't care less if people see me as threatening or intimidating. That's a them problem not a me problem.

true that , but at job front it is seen as a lesser team member, since other people get threatened by the fact tht one happens to work things out due to possibly a more serious outlook towards the job being single.

  in a job I guess it depends on the situation. If you are able to work things out quicker than your colleagues, that is great, but they also need a chance to learn how do do whatever it is they cannot quite do as efficiently. So sometimes I need to step back and let another person do job x, even though I know I could do it better.

It can be very frustrating if you are better at things than your colleagues. Perhaps you need to move to a more senior or specialised position, if you can.

I'm in a situation now where my bosses simply don't believe I can do harder work, even though I've proved to them I can. They won't even give me the opportunity to learn. So I'm looking for a better job, where the management hopefully trust their staff.

I'm a six feet tall, muscular martial artist with a resting bitchface. I could let someone do everything for me and I'd probably still be threatening to insecure people 

And tbh I love being threatening. People leave you alone^^

yes. It does feel good to be on our own but sometimes (yes, very lil times) it feels lonely n left out at workplace then.

 So far I don't. I've never been the damsel in distress and I've been the outsider weirdo all my life maybe not belonging is just my natural state so I don't really notice it^^

I have encountered many people who think I need help when I do not. Is this what you are talking about? So it is more that they are trying to scare or threaten ME, as they put out the worldview that I can't make it on my own! Ugh! Rather than that I appear as a threat to them? I also rely on so many others to 'get MY stuff done' and that is one reason why I like the term solo. A soloist musician can have an entire orchestra backing them up. A solo hike of the Appalachian Trail has many folks helping with education and supplies and just general Trail Angel behaviors. Etc.

Nah, I m actually talking of the times when people feel I m threatening enough to never be there even when I may need help. Let alone the fact that I find it difficult to ask due to the acquired extreme independence.

 I am not seen as scary in my community and work. I have cultivated that purposely. I can get away with a lot with a harmless and helpful reputation. In my family I think the word most used to descibe me is 'sweet'

in reality I am a big cranky grouchy person

I get told by men all the time that I'm "intimidating to them" because I'm independent, intelligent, attractive, and I moved to a foreign country on my own. I don't give a shit because A. I don't want a man and B. I'm not going to be watering myself down for anyone to make them happy. I'm peaceful and mean no harm to anyone, and I love myself.

Exactly!! Well said..... Been there~~~

yep, I got told I needed to 'look and act girly' if I wanted to attract a man. I credit that day, and that person, for my decision to be single for life rather than compromise who I am. I was furious at the person, but I think I needed to hear it. I needed to hear that being coupled would be completely unsuited to who I was, and to become confident that being single was okay. It took me a long time, but I got there. 

Other people's opinion of me is none of my business. I'm too busy getting the shit done that needs to be done 

Yes. I predominantly see this at work and when I dated.

my style of speaking is very direct and to the point so it’s doubly hard because it’s received as aggressive — because I am a woman. my voice/intonation is deeper and I tend to not inflect the end of my sentences (which communicates insecurity l) as a quality of my culture and that contributes greatly to how I’m received. My feedback is consistently that im not a team player (I hate office culture, I find it fake and draining)when im normally carrying my work and others because I have greater knowledge (im sme level right now). I also have diagnosed adhd so my hyperfocus allows me to go from novice to expert in many subjects rapidly and when you have a great deal of skill, insecure people tend to find fault rather than inspiration from you.

To your question: I don’t handle it because it is not an impediment to my existence nor is it damaging with the people who value me.

A guy on date 3 said he didn't see us having any long term potential bc I didn't "need" anything from him. Lol bu-byeee! That's right buddy you gotta be special enough to be wanted 

Was there any explanation why they see you as threatening? There’s a difference between wanting to do things by yourself and appearing threatening. I struggle with team dynamics myself and prefer to work solo but it would be good to break this down a bit more. Was the feedback from your manager or a colleague

oh I have tried gelling in. Colleagues have moved away because I get more done & I m more like the talk of the town for gossip mongers. & the feedback is from the manager.

Nope, never

I mean I’ve been told I look like a thug, but that was outside of work and nothing to do with me being single.

I wish I looked like a thug.

are you “threatening”?

…or do THEY *FEEL* threatened?

bc the responsibility for that latter is not on you.

u r right. I dont threaten deliberately.

of course you don’t!

Thanks for the language pointer yes they feel threatened

I'm extra petite, so had to fight all my life with the opposite. People offering help and me wanting to stubbornly do everything on my own...

I've had that happen when men of a lower socioeconomic status than me find out I know how to fly planes and own a house. Well, if you are threatened by this affable, friendly gal who likes flying, classic cars and the finer things in life, we aren't a match. So, I stick to dating men similar to me, who are used to seeing gal like me do well in life. I will just be my authentic self, so that I can find a man who likes me for me and I feel the same for him.

A friend recently woke me up to why I had problems dating in high school. I grew up in a blue collar town, but my parents were prominent, successful professionals. Class differences scared the boys who might have considered dating me. It's sad but class differences can be a problem. I had no problems with gal-pals. We were all friends and overlooked and didn't even talk about socioeconomic class @#$%. We just had fun and accepted each other as we were. Boys were another story. They either bullied me or ignored me 

I now live in an affluent community and feel more at home. I am making new friends and feel that I have a better chance of meeting a man who is a better fit. We just have fun and don't worry about that other #$%@.

Thank you for asking that question!! Its a good one to think about.

The only time I'm seen as threatening is when a married woman doesn't trust her husband around me. 

yeah, tht too. I quickly BroZone everyone possible. 

Yep, married women sometimes assume that I am so desperate for male attention, that I might proposition their husbands. Really sad.

I do know that me being independent and single is kind of intimidating to a lot of men in my country, but mostly its just because in my country its kinda more traditional and more male dominated. I also get criticized by own family and society for being the old maid or something lol... but my solution is just to move out and stay on my own and just tune in the voices. Its hard sometimes sure.... but ... a day at a time 

I frequently get that feedback, but I have the practical skills of a blind rhino so I can't be totally self sufficient much to my frustration.

I do what I know needs to be done and ignore comments.

My problem is my neighbor who thinks I need his help, and he comes over and man-jacks my projects and causes more problems than he solves. He's super forceful and I finally stood up to him hard. I thanked my other neighbor for talking to him when the bull-in-a-china-shop left me alone for a while, and he said he didn't say anything, it was all me successfully asserting myself.

 awesome!!!

I've been told smart women are threatening and often things go better for me in society if I play dumb. People are intimidated by intelligence especially if it's in the form of a woman. Tired of people being surprised that I know stuff. Being smart is often a reason people blame me for not finding some guy. If I appeared less intelligent and therefore less threatening perhaps more guys would be interested they say. I'm just very uninterested in being a parent to some overgrown teenager just to be in a relationship. Not really into having to play stupid ... For argue that I actually know things. Experiencing a lot of gender bias from the older generations... They expect females to be much more domestically interested and less interested in the outdoors than I am.

YES!!! This exactly. So many people have told me I'm too smart. Yeah, get lost then, go be stupid somewhere else. 

The only thing is I find it's older female relatives who caution me not to act too smart in other words don't be yourself dumb it down. They also think finding some guy to marry and have kids with is of the utmost importance.. not at all important to me. The logic is really contradictory if a woman plays dumb to attract a man who is somehow supposed to be smarter and take care of her? No thanks not interested in a lifetime of dumbing it down... And no it's not even about post-secondary education I didn't finish my masters degree.. it's a general state of how dare you be smarter than the guy

I've been told smart women are threatening and often things go better for me in society if I play dumb. People are intimidated by intelligence especially if it's in the form of a woman. Tired of people being surprised that I know stuff. Being smart is often a reason people blame me for not finding some guy. If I appeared less intelligent and therefore less threatening perhaps more guys would be interested they say. I'm just very uninterested in being a parent to some overgrown teenager just to be in a relationship. Not really into having to play stupid ... For argue that I actually know things. Experiencing a lot of gender bias from the older generations... They expect females to be much more domestically interested and less interested in the outdoors than I am.

YES!!! This exactly. So many people have told me I'm too smart. Yeah, get lost then, go be stupid somewhere else. 

The only thing is I find it's older female relatives who caution me not to act too smart in other words don't be yourself dumb it down. They also think finding some guy to marry and have kids with is of the utmost importance.. not at all important to me. The logic is really contradictory if a woman plays dumb to attract a man who is somehow supposed to be smarter and take care of her? No thanks not interested in a lifetime of dumbing it down... And no it's not even about post-secondary education I didn't finish my masters degree.. it's a general state of how dare you be smarter than the guy

In the 60's, living in small towns, I knew girls in my class who actually put down wrong answers on tests. They were very worried that getting straight A's would make it impossible to get dates. I knew one girl whose boyfriend told her "You better quit getting A's in math and science or I will dump you." One girl said she never bothered talking to boys whose grades were not as high as hers. They refused even to talk to her when they found out she was gifted. Sick.

Susan - wow - i just got the dont be too smart thing after my first degree (before that i was allowed to be smart) Med size city - a few decades later

I hate that so much! I am pretty smart (master's degree) and I'm not about to play dumb for some doofus

I have been told I’m intimidating because I have a good job, own my own car, and own a $300k house all by myself. And my only roommate is my son. I don’t want/need anyone to help pay for the house. I do my own maintenance and if I cannot do it, I hire someone to do it for me. I have been fiercely independent since I had my son at 18 and his dad ran away from us. 25 years later I have never lived with anyone else, lover or roommate. And I am fine with that. I will keep doing it all myself.

I hear I am intimidating all the time. If I was a man, they'd throw a parade for me.

I totally agree. I hate that. I want my own parade!

 I have heard the same thing many times!

I agree. I hate being ignored because I'm single

Badass

I’m trying to get better at articulating when I would like help, rather than when I need help (which is rare). But I tend to get frustrated waiting on someone else and sort it out independently!

I am horrible at damsel in distress, it comes as easily as breathing to others.

Have been told I’m intimidating or too independent many a time, I just figure these people are the ones with the problem.

Oh yes! Too independent was the first I heard. Then the intimidating thing. And then there are the ones who punish you for it and when you ask why they didn't offer to help you at a point when it must have been obvious that you could have used help, they say, well, I thought you didn't need help!

I agree! I don't want a man who is intimidated by me

I've got shifty eyes. Y'all watch out.

Eh, I was threatening/intimidating in a relationship too. It's weird because the way I am is just how folks ARE in my family. Women and AFAB folks don't wait around or shrink themselves for a dude. Apparently it's threatening to be able to change a tire or repair the washer or be into martial arts and outdoor skills? Not fawning over dudes who flex their looks/wealth/power/etc? I'm nice and polite and helpful until I'm messed with, so sounds like a personal problem on their part 

Not threatening, but like ... apparently it is wrong to be independent. 'You need to ask for help' as if it's a requirement. I like to figure out things on my own. It's true, sometimes I ought to ask for help and I don't. But why every single time?

It feels a lot like people have no faith in me to figure things out on my own ... which, knowing I absolutely CAN figure things out, must be a projection of the people making the comments.

This is why being around a majority of people makes me so sad. People have such low expectations. It is completely discouraging and demotivating. On my own, or with people that have faith in me, I can challenge myself, and it's okay to make mistakes!

yes I agree it really is disappointing how low the intellectual (and cultural) level of most people is

I agree. That's part of my problem. I'm trying to find love in a world full of guys who aren't sophisticated culturally

Hm have you tried hitch or hinge I forget what it’s called. It suggests people connected to your FB friends. If your FB friends are cultured then that might work. There’s also the league. It is for ‘elites’- initially educational elites but now maybe trending more toward financially wealthy. But in any case higher likelihood of finding a cultured person on there than on other dating sites. I haven’t tried these myself but know people who have.

“You are not intimidating, they are intimidated. There is a difference.” One of the best things that was said to me by a work colleague.

I feel very fortunate. I never experience any negativity toward being single. I'm fierce, I'm independent and nobody will stand in my way. That's the energy I put out in the universe. It has been well accepted by everyone in my life.

you have to teach people how to treat you. I've had to do it constantly. They learn. Some get mad. Those people usually go away. Or I request it.

Truly, I must thank everyone who s answered here.

I truly felt supported by each of you answering & letting me know that I am not alone in situations like this. I could smash the self doubt immediately due to this.

Yes, I will be able to not feel bad n bruised due to such feedback at work now. Because acting dumb is truly not possible for me to do.

Been told many times than men find me intimidating because independent and intelligent. If I am suppose to dumb myself down to have a partner, then I rather be alone. To me it says more about them than me. As for work, not really an issue because most of my work has/is independent. I did get told the reason why I wasn't liked by the "in crowd" at one job. Believe it not, it was because I don't gossip! Give me a break. I'll allow my professional reputation speak for itself and it has served me well.

true that. I think the very fact that we do not have the time to gossip also must be threatening enough.

Yes, several men have told me I’m too independent. Now I’m independent of them so I guess they were right.

One odd facet of this that I've found is in regard to physical strength. I often decline a man's help to lift or carry stuff if I can do it. And they often seem insulted by this. I don't like to ask for men to carry my shit just because it's convenient for me or they could do it easier -- IF I need help I'll certainly ask, but just expecting them to lug shit like a pack horse is just inconsiderate in my view, even if it's what they want to do.

I typically don't ask for help either unless I'm physically incapable and then I appreciate an offer. A lot of men just do it to be polite

I know they do it to be polite, that was my point--that if you declined they feel insulted.

Why is it a female's responsibility of how some male feels if you decline help. The whole idea that females are supposed to own someone else's feelings yet males can do whatever they want is ridiculous. All the biases like men would need help with housework or someone to cook for them or such. I guess I don't see men blamed for being single or being urged to change or be this or that or whatever quite the double standard sometimes

I've cut out most people and their noises from my life. So I go on living my life I deem fit

true. cutting out helps, but at times it is difficult when it is shown as a feedback, because the major population thinks that one is threatening because one does not need help.

Turning in the 20 years.

 Disappearance. 

A block sometimes 20 year old. 

Sometimes life happened. 

I have been reminiscing the twenty whole years that passed by when I turned 40 this year. There is so much that went right & so much that went wrong. Somehow something really good, something I truly desired came up after something really bad happened. 

One should act through abundance, our Professor said. Abundance in what ? Goodness or pain. I don't know that. Pain I have had enough. More than. & looks like I have acted in abundance therein. Accommodating to every situation that came in. Maybe fighting at times, maybe struggling. Gosh, I have got used to function well in struggle. eeks. 

As long as I remember, I wanted to do something in the field of drawing, or rather that was what connected to my heart & it still is. It's just that I did not know the amount of investment that comes in & relatively not as much RoI unless one becomes a very famous artist or a the best in talent. I am sure that I may not be the best. In fact there is no way one may prove the 'best ness in art, in Design. Art & Design does sit on the branch of the golden & diamond tree. Well that's not where I came from. 

Like any other 20 year old, I tried working through it. I lived through it. Abundance truly did not exist. I did not really have the luxury of pursuing the form of Art that felt right at that moment. I trudged along what could be the best possible way to survive. I am lucky enough to have a good grasping power over various subjects and that has helped me earn my bread. I am absolutely thankful for that. Right from entrepreneurship with starting a company at 19, working with my ex-husband to set up a Graphic Design company successfully to getting in NID. I have been able to do it all. Along with the typical ghar-grahasti of cooking cleaning serving the family and trying to prove the worth of getting married to a person who did not truly reciprocate as much. Going through Deaths, Losses, & major life threatening conditions, working from the 5 th day of a caesarian birth to a little one, I have seen it all. I have always wanted & wanted more. I have wanted to do more, get more love in return. Be as consumerist as possible. I wanted to reach a standard of living on my own. Sky is also not the limit. Sometimes a human does get greedy. I wanted love, I wanted stability, I wanted to match consumeristic standards of beauty, I wanted to give more to feel more better, be more altruistic. All said and done altruism is another set of selfishness wherein the giver feels great. I expected as well. I kept serving. To all my relationships & beyond. 

& I lost my 20 years to it. 

Maybe I am a little more self bound now. I have understood, that giving may give me happiness but maybe giving does not always guarantee love, friendship, niceness in return. People do lie, do cheat, do trouble you, forget you gave & turn on you whenever possible at times only because they are in the habit of behaving so. My behavior will not change anyone's reaction to me. However nice we may be to them. It is not their fault they cannot return your niceness. This understanding itself is very calming, very peaceful. 

Somehow desires about anything & everything have reduced. 

There are these worldly regrets of not having the typical college fun of going on trips, smoking, drugs, alcohol, not having enough flirtatious relationships, not hanging around, not letting my hair loose. There was a time when i wasnt allowed all that while afterwards there was a time when I chose to stay away from that. Being from a conservative middle class maharashtrian family, there were super strict rules for me in the house. I was scared to the core to not over-rule them & somewhere following rules still feels simpler to me. Despite following rules, I do not really follow a cult. Any cult any herd mentality immediately gives in a warning bell. I try to act reasonable, fair. But then again, I am not perfect. Gossip mongers may think I do not belong. 

This, ' I do not belong has increased a lot these days. Being a single mother, I am too busy to belong. Too busy to socialize. Because socialize here in the North India comes with the expense of one giving in some heartfelt conversation for public foray of gossip. & otherwise not being interesting enough for gossip material & considered as a big boring person. There are very less friendships of just existing without mutual expectations. The niceness of a person is questioned. So much so, that I have become a quiet inward person versus the extrovert I used to be. Maybe hence I write. 

Has this changed due to my age or my circumstances or both ? 

Did I forget what is it that I wanted to do 20 years ago ? Life was simpler, but in shackles. So much of 'you are a girl / woman & hence you cannot do this, do that. I overcome a lot slowly & surely. But possibly have come far enough to be overtly independent enough to not be helped in by anyone anymore. Those shackles & learning via the shackles has also actually helped. They have helped me to not depend on anyone for anything. 

Its just yesterday that I finally made in a studio for myself in the house I am staying. A separate space for me to paint in, to create. It was possibly for the first time yesterday that I zoned out to do a calligraphic piece. To not feel guilty about not answering my daughter's call. 

Striving for freedom. Yes. That remains. I think I have achieved a lot of freedom by now. 

& Now is the time to bask in the freedom, to feel good about it & act in abundance of the freedom. That will take time. For me to finally feel that I need to do all that I have wanted to do as a child. To not deviate my dreams any longer. To keep working & to create. 

I write this after going through a complete creative block for more than 10 days herein. Life is changing. Feeling less predictable. There is no sure shot destination anymore, & there is no hedonic living anymore. 

Maturity is seeping in. No way out of that. Not wanting to waste the remaining the remaining 20 years for sure.