Turning in the 20 years.

 Disappearance. 

A block sometimes 20 year old. 

Sometimes life happened. 

I have been reminiscing the twenty whole years that passed by when I turned 40 this year. There is so much that went right & so much that went wrong. Somehow something really good, something I truly desired came up after something really bad happened. 

One should act through abundance, our Professor said. Abundance in what ? Goodness or pain. I don't know that. Pain I have had enough. More than. & looks like I have acted in abundance therein. Accommodating to every situation that came in. Maybe fighting at times, maybe struggling. Gosh, I have got used to function well in struggle. eeks. 

As long as I remember, I wanted to do something in the field of drawing, or rather that was what connected to my heart & it still is. It's just that I did not know the amount of investment that comes in & relatively not as much RoI unless one becomes a very famous artist or a the best in talent. I am sure that I may not be the best. In fact there is no way one may prove the 'best ness in art, in Design. Art & Design does sit on the branch of the golden & diamond tree. Well that's not where I came from. 

Like any other 20 year old, I tried working through it. I lived through it. Abundance truly did not exist. I did not really have the luxury of pursuing the form of Art that felt right at that moment. I trudged along what could be the best possible way to survive. I am lucky enough to have a good grasping power over various subjects and that has helped me earn my bread. I am absolutely thankful for that. Right from entrepreneurship with starting a company at 19, working with my ex-husband to set up a Graphic Design company successfully to getting in NID. I have been able to do it all. Along with the typical ghar-grahasti of cooking cleaning serving the family and trying to prove the worth of getting married to a person who did not truly reciprocate as much. Going through Deaths, Losses, & major life threatening conditions, working from the 5 th day of a caesarian birth to a little one, I have seen it all. I have always wanted & wanted more. I have wanted to do more, get more love in return. Be as consumerist as possible. I wanted to reach a standard of living on my own. Sky is also not the limit. Sometimes a human does get greedy. I wanted love, I wanted stability, I wanted to match consumeristic standards of beauty, I wanted to give more to feel more better, be more altruistic. All said and done altruism is another set of selfishness wherein the giver feels great. I expected as well. I kept serving. To all my relationships & beyond. 

& I lost my 20 years to it. 

Maybe I am a little more self bound now. I have understood, that giving may give me happiness but maybe giving does not always guarantee love, friendship, niceness in return. People do lie, do cheat, do trouble you, forget you gave & turn on you whenever possible at times only because they are in the habit of behaving so. My behavior will not change anyone's reaction to me. However nice we may be to them. It is not their fault they cannot return your niceness. This understanding itself is very calming, very peaceful. 

Somehow desires about anything & everything have reduced. 

There are these worldly regrets of not having the typical college fun of going on trips, smoking, drugs, alcohol, not having enough flirtatious relationships, not hanging around, not letting my hair loose. There was a time when i wasnt allowed all that while afterwards there was a time when I chose to stay away from that. Being from a conservative middle class maharashtrian family, there were super strict rules for me in the house. I was scared to the core to not over-rule them & somewhere following rules still feels simpler to me. Despite following rules, I do not really follow a cult. Any cult any herd mentality immediately gives in a warning bell. I try to act reasonable, fair. But then again, I am not perfect. Gossip mongers may think I do not belong. 

This, ' I do not belong has increased a lot these days. Being a single mother, I am too busy to belong. Too busy to socialize. Because socialize here in the North India comes with the expense of one giving in some heartfelt conversation for public foray of gossip. & otherwise not being interesting enough for gossip material & considered as a big boring person. There are very less friendships of just existing without mutual expectations. The niceness of a person is questioned. So much so, that I have become a quiet inward person versus the extrovert I used to be. Maybe hence I write. 

Has this changed due to my age or my circumstances or both ? 

Did I forget what is it that I wanted to do 20 years ago ? Life was simpler, but in shackles. So much of 'you are a girl / woman & hence you cannot do this, do that. I overcome a lot slowly & surely. But possibly have come far enough to be overtly independent enough to not be helped in by anyone anymore. Those shackles & learning via the shackles has also actually helped. They have helped me to not depend on anyone for anything. 

Its just yesterday that I finally made in a studio for myself in the house I am staying. A separate space for me to paint in, to create. It was possibly for the first time yesterday that I zoned out to do a calligraphic piece. To not feel guilty about not answering my daughter's call. 

Striving for freedom. Yes. That remains. I think I have achieved a lot of freedom by now. 

& Now is the time to bask in the freedom, to feel good about it & act in abundance of the freedom. That will take time. For me to finally feel that I need to do all that I have wanted to do as a child. To not deviate my dreams any longer. To keep working & to create. 

I write this after going through a complete creative block for more than 10 days herein. Life is changing. Feeling less predictable. There is no sure shot destination anymore, & there is no hedonic living anymore. 

Maturity is seeping in. No way out of that. Not wanting to waste the remaining the remaining 20 years for sure.