I have arrived, maybe.

I think maybe yes, I have arrived. spiritually.
I dont care what the world thinks about me!
I dont care if my house is running perfect!
I dont care if I am lonely and dont have anyone to talk to.

yes, I say this and then suddenly, I am reminded that the world I am into is an imbalance.  The person who wants to showcase fake empathy is the person who does not actualize empathize with you. That person is actually wanting to draw attention towards themselves while trying to empathize across. Or is the person like that. Should I be forgiving and be ok with it ?
Is it about the fundamentals of the work friendships not actually be friendships and just acquaintances ? Or is it about being fake friends just because someone is better in the crowd ?
Does everything needs to be struggled into ?

I think just let them be. Move away from it. and get into a smaller world with very less people in it ? be lonely ? But the fake people anyways are no where close by. Then why cry over their absence. It is better to have no one than to have fake friends.

well, it does come to my mind, that i put them in the bucket of acquaintances and do not look for actual relationships from them. And then i want to find out if there has been an actual relation at all ? other than me and my daughter that i am raising. Will she turn around one day ? Should I be expecting her to stay or let it go ?

Let all go. Make no mistake, everyone dies alone.

Attention / invite / urge to be included

It just happens that sometimes, you are not invited. You are not said a hello to.
You are talking to a person. That person royally ignores you or gives these mad signals that listen, get away. I don't like you. Or the person wants to act pricey when you are being simply modest and humble. Well, Sudha Murthy was not spared from this insult, why would I be ?
There are so many times when a person who think is great and at least pally to you does not invite you and you are cornered because you are standing in a group of people who all have been invited.
Sometimes, you are at a social gathering and you overhear another person simply telling the person on the phone that you are present in that gathering with a grin ! Well, there a lot of people who want to get all the attention and then complain that hey have to work to get the attention and then complain that they are getting that attention.
Yes, i find this to be unnatural to me.
Though having learnt management, marketing, social marketing, marketing myself or speaking in detail as to why am i important to the world around me or why am I good or why do i do what I do.
But then do I feel bad, when all this happens ? When someone else take credit for the good that i have been doing ? Or someone making a very small issue a very big issue.
May It is not me. And I should let these people be. And move away.
I am sure one day I am leading myself to a meditation lifetime retreat in the Himalayas. Expecting is not right !
Well, well, not bad !
Maybe I don't want to be included. oh alright !!! 

the moment of nothing but love

A very serene person. I dont know why. very calm, minimalist. A pulling charm. Oh, we made fun of her kajal and checked her out every time she came to campus, because she was Rahul's friend. So pretty, with no complex of being pretty. This is something. I have never met a person like this before. Pooja.
 She has built this cosy little corner in the visual arts studio. A lot of silence in there. A little discussion on what  should one do in life. Me being overwhelmed by the art she has made, with the desire to make the same. Thinking of what if I got to make that amount of art ? Was it really impossible ?
No, a time when I had no money to make art, or rather buy material, I happened to make more art than today. Today the number of color boxes in my house would be more than actual art that I have made.
Every time I thought I would concentrate on art making, I got a huge bundle of responsibilities, be it marriage, pregnancy, education, love, kid, you name it I have it.All those little moments of loss, building one on another.Today, when I could have chilled with one job, I am again into education. Persuing that PhD. Relatively not studying as much for it. Being the Parent!
All that just came in.
Tears rolled on to my eyes. Just like that. No reason at all. That silence just broke out all those desires of nomadic artisty life.  All those moments that went wrong, that made me turn my life so much. All those judgements that I saw, post that. No regrets though.
It just comes to my mind, that the presence of so much near to perfect person and near to perfect place, got my mind run through everything so quick !!! and i covered it so quick too.
Not again, I will not be able to go back to that place. To that perfect person.
I am good being the stone! I got this. I don't know till when.I guess till I sustain.

That one moment of nothing just defines, what you are!

Just a continuation for the same person.
I had been away for the day and she promised me to take care of my daughter.
Being in the North of India I am now used to not asking for help from anyone at all.
because no one helps. If you help, you are judged into what could be the ulterior motive to help. it is difficult to help and get help. or ask for help.
Pooja promised us dinner. I came back from a mad hectic trip. And I could not move. I was that ill.
She actually came in with dinner, freshly made, extremely tasty (trust me that didn't matter at that moment). She sat with us, while we had dinner. She waited till we were done.

How can there be so much love in this era of home deliveries and this place of only saying a hi, bye, thank you. No nothing but gratitude came to my mind the other day.

About being strong. Accept it.

Yes, i just shifted at least 4 times in the last three years. We changed houses 4 times. We started with some amount of luggage. I was still not a very furniture person. But yes, I do have a lot of books, a lot of small small things with me. Did I have them because I am a hoarder ? NO!!! not at all. its because I needed those things once, kept them well, my daughter reads my first story book as of today. Yes, I know there are so many things that I left behind. there are so many things that have got lost, kept at a place where they belong.
NO, this is not about me having things. It is about shifting them. It is about us needing them. This is about, me wanting buy a 2 seater dining table but being reminded that maybe I will people home, get the bigger table. About our family being complete. About we needing to deal with people at times. About cold. About the need of stuff that we like to be on, be in everything.
But guess what shifting is a night mare. things break. get displaced. get lost, this time get stolen. (someone stole my plant).
All this and the tension that how is this going ot be done. Oh Ok there is professional help for sure. there is ! But it did not run around here. The professional help led into we not being needed to take care of things. The buildings were closeby. I was working - no holiday as such.
Since It was closeby, there was no period of change. All this built a huge anxiety in me.There was no help in sight. I could wait, stop for help. But I had given myself a deadline. so much of anxiety, it led me in breaking down. My neighbor came across to just sit with me and make me feel comfortable.
Why the blog ?
I just read a blog by Nandita Abraham, She is the president Pearl, Yes, for a reason.  A very strong woman. She experienced change so many times in her life, and she discusses that as the very reason for her being fearless.
I think I am on the path, through the change, through the struggles, I am reaching a new strong, a new me. Sometimes it comes to my mind, that then I should not compare myself with people not of that strength. Yes. I should not. I should not feel that I should have had that ordinary life of everything going fine. No one does.

The food charmer

This  person needs a mention in the blog. This is Anupaaam (Anupam). He is an awesome artist, a self made person who has a very strong Bengali accent to his English and other languages he speaks in. Thats why the Anupaaam. Well, whats interesting is he picked up English in Hyderabad and managed to still pick a Bengali accent due to his Bengali guide. He calls Vice Chancellor as bhais sensual art. Birthday - Baarthday. And does not mind we imitating him on his cute accent.
Well, the blog is not for that.
I happened to attend a party where in he was a part. I am anyways not so good at socializing  other than the social media. (I know I am boring). He was going to cook. He did cook fish in one of the last parties, and it was awesome. - Ok, I was prejudiced that he would cook great fish, since he knew Bengali cooking. And he has a house by a fish pond / he has a fish pond in his house. oh My God, How cool is that ?
Here, he made a platter of various things put in together. Eggs, Apples, onions, tomato, groundnuts (he calls them Baadaaam - almonds) and arranged it so damn well. And he also very lovingly helped us with how should we eat it. It tasted so good. A recipe which came out of no recipe book or youtube but out of his heart.
He made fish and chicken too, the explanation he gave, was he spent in a lot of energy in making the dish, since my daughter was going to eat it. He has got some spice which has been specially dried from a given number of years, which someone has gifted him. He explained he started cookking since 12 years since he left home. He cooked for himself. He has been invited to cook when he was in Switzerland, Zurich etc. All this, so much of love in making and not an iota of ego or attitude. I can still not believe that people like this exist.
I have been cooking for so many years (25 years to be precise, well, i did start early) now. I have been following recipes. adding in love to it. But so much ! no! Cooking has rather been a compulsion to me and a way to prove myself and my prowess at my marital home (which despite the effort, was not very successful and certified btw).
Sometimes it comes to my mind, today I cook, because there has to be food on plate. I make it with love but that one secret sauce that Anupam has / had put in what he made is definitely missing.
And, I definitely dont know what it is. though I know my daughter loves what I make and my family - dad does too, but my marital home never did. There is something missing in the way I cook for sure.
I hope I learn it from Anupam one day, or maybe not.

Kudos to the food charmer!

The new Mom

After the Queen Bee, I think this post is extremely relevant with respect to labor division in any house.
Currently, I have a friend staying over. She is quiet younger to me and now is a mom to 2 kids. She has a little baby. a little sweet 4 month old. And a cute 3 year old. She has a help who is around her and helping her through the process. But she herself also keeps doing a lot to take care of the kids.
Before this baby, her mom helped her with the first one along with a help. She has a few people around to help her. But she has been on her toes too. Its not that she has taken advantage or has shun work because she has help.
Every single moment with her and her little ones are making me think of my time when I had my little one popping into the world.
NO, i did not have a female to help me. My mom was no more and nor was my ex-husband's mom. I was trying to find out what to do. What to do with the little bundle of joy. That's what the world calls a baby. The baby is so innocent. But it was a never ending task for me.
But I truly do not know the source of energy i had when i was handling the childbirth like a pro. Yes, I was referring to the amount of books that i may need to be working through. I did not know how to hold a child. Was it a part  of my 'adulting' ? I absolutely missed doing that as a child.  I did not hold  a little one so little. Every thing was new.  But that did not deter my primary instincts of giving my child the best. Nor is it today.
There was something divine that helped me get through this process. That helped me to take care of everything, the baby, the cooking, the cleaning of the house and the job i was doing. Yes, I did not have the luxury of help.
Yes, I always felt that having the help was a luxury. Until I saw this little friend of mine managing with the kids. Now I realize it was actually a need. I needed help  when that little one was struggling to be a part of this world. I was being a part of the this world as a mother. I did not really have more help than my sister coming sometimes and a friend dropping in. My ex-husband had restricted my people - including my sister to come to his house. Oh, but did he help ? no, he didn't. He just played with the little one sometimes. Never picked her up. We never went out for anything together (barring only a couple of times) leave alone entertainment. I had the money to get help. But was not allowed to do so.  I complied. 1. to save the institution or rather keep it going. 2. I had those age old concepts of being the martyr being the woman.  And that continuous need to prove, that the love marriage was worthy enough.
All i did was work. Is this  blow of trumpeting of how much did I do ? no. It is about letting the world know that a new mom, whether a first timer or not, still needs help. She is coping with so many things in life. She is coping with the changes in her body. She is coping with the continuous crying or demands of the little one. yes,  that little smile, that little touch,  everything is heavenly, but the physical and attention needs of the little one are also immense. The mother needs support. And every single mother who is a mom is heroic herself. And a mom who does all by herself is backed by some divine power for sure!
All I knew then and I know now is I am her sole caretaker and will be so, until she can take care of herself.

Queen Bee

One of my colleagues is a very fine lady. She has everything perfect. Her home, kids, family, jobs, herself, everything in place. She strives towards the same and takes pride in presenting the perfect picture. She proposed the theory, that she kind of believes in.

There is one queen bee, one female who is so much capable to do everything and be the queen. She is the queen. She will order and the drones (males) should be working for her. 

In modern world it may translate to the men working, bringing wages home while she (actually) takes care of the home. That is quiet a possibility. 

Each family has a possible arrangement where there is a division of labour which entitles them the duty that they perform. Not every household follows this rule.Not every place could have a queen bee who is well aware of her responsibility and work accordingly. Quiet a few people do have the patience to wait endlessly for the Drones to work. 

My daughter said, mom, I will be the Queen bee. 

Not sure if that can still be possible. The colleague mentioned above also does a lot of hard work to put things in place. To be perfect.

I am not and cannot be the Queen Bee. Who take rest and gets the drones to work. I have learned working hard from my working mother. That's all I know how to do. I cannot manipulate the Drones to work. I could not get my husband working. He chose to take no responsibility at all. I had no choice but to function on both ends. I had a little mouth to feed, like the sparrow who gets food for her kids after a day's hard work. That makes me less available as the mother, but i am satisfied that I am feeding my little one. Thats all I can do. 

I think I am the Drone, working for myself - the Queen Bee. 

I think I still do it, maybe that's why I am best at it. And maybe I am good at it hence I keep doing it. 

People leave.

We have to keep hopping jobs. so do people.

There are people who you get attached to. Not every attachment is an attraction. Maybe sometimes its comfort, which helps you survive that place.  Sometimes you love the person, not every love is the lust love. Sometimes the relation is pure. It is that person you can randomly call. It is that person you can randomly fight with. Or maybe you want to spend time with. Or simply be with. Do nothing. but then everything demands it needs a name. 

It is so selfish to think that these people should stay with you forever. But will you stay ? 

Today, no job gives a lifetime employment. Inadvertently, No job give lifetime colleagues. 

I read somewhere, go to work, work and come back. There is no need to find friends in every place you go to.

But then you don't have to find friends or any relationship for that matter. Some people just enter your lives and become significant. It is not important here whether you are significant in their lives or not. Some people become important, leave a mark and leave. 

Yes. everyone leaves. And then one day its your turn. 

Sometimes it just comes to my mind, how can anything be forever at all ? is it even possible ? well, forever is a myth for sure. That one thing you take for granted is the limited time you would probably spend with anyone. It is limited. For sure. 

Its just that I don't like good bye's. Either I am too sensitive turning into stone slowly or refuse to be cemented yet. 

To Expect or not to expect

So, when do we expect from people ?
Can there be a truth in the line 'I dont expect anything from anyone ?'

I checked. into my own life. into life of people around me.
We expect. We expect when the society tell us that there needs to be an expectation from that archetype. We tend to expect from our family members. because we are told to do so. Oh, she is your mom, and she does not do this for you ? Your husband does not pick your calls ?
Who set this expectation module ? it has been developed via the years where in we tend to expect from the near and dear ones. And in a way burden them with our expectations.
And what is this expectation from the people we love ? Why should they be supporting you in every move of yours. Logically speaking it is not needed. They may have their own life, own personal space. Like we look for one.
Is the expectation also a tit for tat. I give 110 percent to this relationship and so should the relation to me. Is it valid ask ?
I do not know.
But despite the logical thinking I think as social animal we expect from the near and dear  ones when we are unable to do something ourselves and a unit. Today we have professional help available. But we want our near ones to be next to us when we are in the hospital bed. We expect from people who are friends, who have said this one thing to us - I will be there for you whenever you need me. We tend to trust those words. Oh, were they said just for the sake of it ?
What does one do when the near and dear ones (read blood relations) supposed to helping you in the case of a need are not available due to whatever reasons ?
It is very easy to say, to build this logic that you should be doing everything yourself. And help does come from unexpected avenues. always. you get help. you get love. you are admired. you are supported. But if that person whom you are expecting from is not in the picture just leads to disappointment.
Sometimes it comes to my mind, is it a valid ask to trouble your near and dear ones and burden them with your expectations. How well balanced can one's mind be to not expect at all ? And then will there be a day, that you turn so independent that you drive people away because of that ? will those people understand that you drove them away because you did not get help from people - who fitted in the stereotypical roles likewise ?
Will they expect you to expect ?