Parents are humans too

Dear Parent, thank you for bringing us up up-to this level. We will take it from here. 

Yes, we all have that share of complaints against our parents. They have been either too strict, too lenient, too ____ (you name it). I have my own complaints. I have seen my friends having their own complaints of parents being narcissistic, parents being money minded, parents being over protective, parents being too strict... the list is unending. 

Of parents being hypocrites. At times wherein Parents have actually troubled you to the core for a fling (in teen times) with someone while actually having an affair oneself. At times hitting the child every single time they were frustrated with something in their lives. Parents not being supportive like the other parents are (that again is contextual). Or parents doing too much. Taking so much care that the kid could not be independent even when 40 ! Did I hint, men here ? who are dependent on their mothers for long (especially in India). Maybe. I have seen most damsel in distress (gender agnostic) still relying on their parents for financial support! Seriously ? If you cannot make a living at this age then, when ? These are the same people who blame their parents for not giving enough financial support. Oh, Wait the classic, property or money brawl. About Siblings being getting more than you did. 

Or parents loosing their patience when they had more than one kid. The elder kid being blamed for everything possible while the younger one spared. Or Vice versa. You name it & you will have some or the other complaint about your own parent. 

We all have been through some impact caused by our parents. Some of us have been able to sail through. Some not. Some may be still in talking terms with them. Some may be living with their parents, Some may not be in touch. 

I have seen this too. My parents were way too strict & I had a long list of no's for me while everyone else was spared. (that's what I thought). I even have a drawing with a scared girl sitting to a corner, fearing she will be hit. Coming home every single day fearing of what & why would I get hit  or scolded exactly. No talking to boys (oh, that was trending then). My classmates were not allowed to call me. I always thought I had to earn love. I had to be good to get treated well enough. All this stayed with me. It did have have its own repercussions of me going through a domestic violence. Of thinking that I was not enough. But I have sailed through. Actually it was the strength I had picked through my childhood days that helped me get through it, live an ok life today.  I was pushed to be the best as a child & I did act like a damsel in distress for a pretty long period, accusing my parents of it.  Yes, they could have been kinder. But today, I can survive because of exactly those situations I used to complain about. I had a colleague saying, not everyone can be as independent. Oh, That's so true. One needs to built that ways. That was build during and throughout until today. 

Today, I am a parent. 

I know the situation is  different. I am a single parent & the load, stress is way different to handle some times. (remember, it takes a village ?) I have actually made peace with a lot of the above treatment by my parents & am wanting none of those parenting styles affect my kid. Though I have sometimes seen myself go on an auto mode and replicating the same reaction that my parents gave me over something / some similar situation. Most of the times I realize when that is happening. Sometimes I know it is right even. Sometimes I realize that some reaction from my parents which felt wrong then felt right today. Sometimes I know it is wrong & I do my best to explain my reaction to my kid. It takes some time. Sometimes I am able to not replicate the parenting style. 

But there's one thing that I have realized. Despite all my efforts I am not perfect. & I am not a perfect parent for sure. I do my best to give the best possible solution to my kid & my kid surprises me by being more practical & assertively skeptical. But then we learn from the environment too. We carry a few genes too. & we build our own conscience system too. 

Sometimes it comes to my mind, my parents were & are also like me. Imperfect. But that did help me being me. We may have our complaints, but I think its time we let go of the mistakes that our parents may have done when we were little. 

May be find a different way of parenting. Maybe correct a little for the coming generation. 

& yet not be perfect. 

We all err. Right ? 

(there's no occasion for this post, but looks like covid did bring in a creator's block for a pretty good amount of time - this topic was manifesting itself in my mind for a very long time)

Whom are you hanging out with ?

 Yes, Maybe I am writing this post a little late. 

I went to a Hill station with my family & an old lady for a few days. Being me, I generally dont discriminate and judge the people along with their ages & anything else rather. 

For me it was good company. & because I was there I called upon a batchmate who stayed in the same place for long. When I mentioned I was travelling with a 70 year old, she exclaimed, oh so now you hang out with a 70 year old ? (It did mean like it was uncool) - yes, that came from a person who aimed to be the miss India. 

I didnt know what to say. 

Well, I know for sure that the person has had more interesting life than ever. 

With 'Hanging out' with cool people. Finding the right people to be with. 

But is it really essential to judge people whom you hang out with ? 

The Great Indian Kitchen

A movie that's currently making rounds is the Great Indian Kitchen. The woman (actress) in this movie gets married via an arranged marriage, does everything for the house, right from making food to cleaning, to bearing with the stupid rituals, bad habits, disgust that comes along. She is gas-lighted for being bad in the bed too. What more do you need to get out of the relationship ? 

Oh, wait. Maybe you need to wait until you have a child because somewhere in your mind you think things will be fine once there is a baby. Are you sure, you thought of this ? Or did you keep hearing this from your people around you ? 

& where exactly did you get the idea of giving yourself completely for the house you get married into ? To loose self completely ? whether an arranged or love marriage or love cum marriage ? Did you happen to see it via your relatives doing so ? Did you happen to see your mom being there and doing a little more of the housework than your dad ? Did you see disgrace expressed by your dad's friends when he worked on the house chores ? Maybe yes. 

I remember my mother telling me I should know how to give myself to the family so that I have a great family life. Today, when I am on my own and I invite an unmarried colleague, she insists on cleaning the kitchen after eating since she thinks it is good manners. When I told her that she should not make this as a priority she is flabbergasted by what I just said. May be I am flabbergasted by what I just wrote too ! 

My father tried to learn cooking since my mom was not keeping well. He had invited his friend for lunch. His friend had come with his daughter. The moment he saw my father was making the roti's instead of my mom, he was very upset and made his daughter do the roti's. This memory inscribed in my mind since I was in 5th / 6th will never fade. Also, yes, my Dad did make the roti's but that act came with a pompous description of his ability unlike any women doing the roti's. Needless to say. 

I also did the same. Juggled between the house, tried to get a perfect picture, took care of the baby, took care of a full time job, gave money to the family and tried to survive. Because I believed that was my ikigai. That was my duty to take care of the home. While the in laws & husband had all the privilege to simply keep judging everything I did. I actually looked for their approval. Learnt ways of cooking, cleaning, taking care, what not, to get that approval. When actually I could have simply walked out. I actually thought that adjusting a littttttlle more will help. & a little more. But nothing actually did. Things worsened.  

A girl is asked if she can cook, clean. Is the guy asked if he is capable enough other than what he earns ? 

Is this something that is only happening in the Indian Kitchen ? No it isn't. I am sure this happens in various parts of the world. The current decline in women in the paid workforce is a proof. 

This division of labour of the women being the primary care givers and caretakers of the home is a little too stretched. This can actually be compared to the patriarchy metaphor. The shoe metaphor. These unsaid rules of work in the kitchen are like the shoe on the neck. Some feel the burden of it, never say anything about it. Some know that it exists and love the existence there. Some women in fact take pride (some is an understatement) in showcasing their home & the so called perfectness. Some women complain about other women, why do they don't take care of the shoe on the neck. There is conclusive judgement for all the single women - she could not take care of the house, that why this happened to her. & then there are men who say, hey we never kept the shoe there, women are not supposed to do all the house work, blah blah, & ask - whats there for dinner ? & have a pompous show when they cook one single dish, or even enter the kitchen. That should always look like an award winning show everywhere. The little kids happen to pick this division of labour a little sooner and then practice it for the life. 

Today, I see, that young married women are little more aware about all this. I have seen them walking out a little earlier, to understand their rights, their frustrations better and move out earlier. 

I am glad this change is happening. It needs to. 

Does one really have to be perfect to be loved ? What is perfect ?

With the love season on, there are some couples celebrating. There are singles, there are people happy with the love they have. The kind of love they have. That human need of belonging, that human need of wanting to be appreciated, looked upon with loving eyes, cared for and looked after. Being on our own, being single forever looks different. We don't really find stories that may suggest greatness in being on our own. 

Do we love that little baby. So cute. So lovely. The mom needs to actually see the ugly picture of having the baby. Let's say parents. They are the ones who do everything for the baby, take care of the baby and love the baby as much. 

Why does this change when it comes to love wherein there are partners involved ? Does this change. 

Can we look into ourselves, find out, are we actually perfect enough to be loved? 

So, wait. What is perfect? The one's that showed in the movies, the writer's imaginations? the marketeer's message? Is giving diamonds when you are extremely old perfect ? Is making that perfect cup of tea/ coffee perfect? Is being the specified figure, specified skin color, specified caste, nationality perfect? 

What is it that is perfect enough ? Are babies perfect enough ? Are models perfect enough ?  Are celebrities perfect ? Are the Royals perfect ? Are politicians perfect ? There is a poetic concept of a bird who lives on drinking from the light that the stars emit. Is that bird perfect? Actually nothing is. 

There are little little things that we love in the person we love. That attracts us to that person and then we continue loving that person for them. There are imperfections too. We either communicate or adjust to these imperfections. We accept the people we love as in. Love them unconditionally. But then maybe until we can bear those imperfections. There is definitely a time when we call it quits when we cannot bear those imperfections. Then we miss the company. We miss the companionship. 

We love people until we can. Maybe people love us until then can. No one's perfect. 

Are we perfect enough ? Do we think we are ? Do we really need to be perfect to be loved ? 

Unconditional Love for all the singles out there.

 I love love. It is the feeling that makes that chirping in the heart. Brings in a ear to ear smile. Those goosebumps. Oh, is this just the valentines wala love ? 

We humans keep finding reasons to come together, jump around, frolic, have fun and be merry. We are social animals. Then be it Diwali, Christmas, Valentines, Independence day parade, or even a funeral. We look forward to coming together. 

I checked my own track record for the valentines. Did I ever get to be on a valentine's date? the romantic rosy table spread, the candle light, the love love love, blah blah. No, Never. Even when I was married. No, this is not a sad day. 

I had so much of compensation to this 'above' loss. I have celebrated almost every valentines with my loved ones. My friends, the people who care for me. In fact because I had these stupid ideas (ok, not so stupid - just in my defense), one of my friends actually gave me a red rose getting from a street corner, getting in the bus dramatically and presenting it to me. 

I have had my share of a candle light dinner with Fish-fry (that's my friends petname), wherein we had just the exact fun as in the fairy-tale majestique stories. I have had my share of so much of giggling and frolicks in the so called traditional places like Vaishali on FC road literally gorging on the Sabudana wada for brunch. 

Love has been at every single place along with some at the traditional places. It has been the love that I have received from my friends colleagues, people around, everywhere. I have had those little parties where in we (at least 10 people) have taken numerous pictures of happiness together. I have people who get me chocolates on my birthday despite my age.  

That unconditional love, currently I have a huge source of it, I have given birth to it. Your kid loves you unconditionally. 

Your parents do. There is no calculation, give n take, I did this, you did this there. 

I just got a coffee in the morning with I love you written on it. 

It is about feeling great when you give too. How about simply spreading love as an when. Just being there for a friend. Does love have to only come from that one person who is expected to be dramatically taking you on a date on that day ? How about loving without a commitment of marriage / forever ? Can love be around by just giving a ear to a person who wants to simply pour his / her heart out ? I was a little sad yesterday that in this global festival of love, I didnt really have the typical 'i love u forever' love (yeah yeah, like always - acting a little damsel in distress).

But reminding myself of all the above kinds of love has refreshed me again to same old (yes, getting there) jumpy self. There's so much love around, and there is so much to give too. 

There's a lot of love. So good that there are people around who love me as much. Despite me being me. 

Does one really have to be perfect to be loved ? What is perfect ? 

What is a normal family ?

I had this incident wherein a woman, a single mother, a Doctorate working at a very reputed place gas-lighted us (me and my kid) by telling us a story of a mother - daughter duo who committed suicide since they had reached dangerous levels of freedom. My kid did not understand the meaning of suicide then. Thank God for that. She added that she got a kid via IVF and hence is a single mother & her kid does not come from a broken family. She is supported by her parents to take care of the baby & so her family is complete. As of today, I truly do not know who gave her the moral right to call my family as a broken family. 

I was amazed & shocked at her analogy, but she came from a position of power and hence I could  not immediately say anything to her. I did not or do not disrespect/ judge her for her IVF kid. I truly believe it's the woman who needs to be able to take a decision on her body, bear a child or not, and in a way feasible, comfortable & possible for her. But calling my family as broken was not acceptable. 

I had searched for-who are the great people raised by single moms & Barack Obama showed up as a result on google. That did give some peace to my mind.  

Another related incident. I pay fees for my kid. The accountant there had a major problem with simply replacing the payer's name as my name. I wanted it there since I pay the fees & could use the receipt for taxes. She reasoned that the software the school used could not intake the mother's name. Coming from a software background, I tried to reason back that it must be a software cliche that you could simply change. I had walk to the Principal's office to complain after which this was taken care of - because the Principal is a good & understanding female. 

But these little incidents - on what is a family have always stayed.  

Thought I will write on this concept - Family. What is a normal family. 

We have seen this assignment given to us as a kid. Draw a family tree.  A father, Mother, Children. Grandparents, relatives etc. This looked like a definition of the family, generalized by the society. And people literally give their lives for this perfect looking family. (whatsoever may be happening within). There used to be a concept of hum do humare do (we are a couple, let's have 2 kids only). A campaign by Govt of India to gently ask people to have no more than 2 kids. I still remember the visual. The glass bottle, 2 tomatoes were added and the moment one more tomato was added, the tomatoes were crushed together. In that sense we are way more spaced out and doing great in here. 

Then there are these questions about one's family generally to be answered as a part of an introduction. 

A few illustrations of the typical questions - where do your grandparents stay ? Oh, it is a nuclear family, not a joint family ? & another famous one, Oh, you both are girls (siblings), No brother ? As a kid it was difficult to fathom that this question was derogatory. Over the period of years, the questions have changed. A little bit. Oh, it is a nuclear family ? Is it a love marriage ? Inter-caste ? What is your caste (That has still not updated itself in the 21st century). Oh, Love cum arranged ? Oh, yeah that is the norm now-a days. 

Then to now, where in my kid is asked, oh, Only you and your mom in the family ? Where is your father? Have you seen him? Does he come to see you ? 

All and all, I truly want to ask - what is it that you will do out of your curiosity of asking ? of commenting ? 

Here are some options you may consider - 

1. Give a son for adoption to the family who does not have a son. (first clear your head on why a son)

2. Become a foster parent/ grandparent by helping out in a family without one. 

3. Write a thesis on the great Indian Family system. 

4. Also, think of redefining your question to, Oh, you have a single parent, I wonder how do they take care of everything alone ? / something more positive, so that the kid is exposed to feeling left out, of not of a 'not normal' family. 

5. None of the above. 

Rather you will actually be traumatizing the individual by asking those questions. & proving your worth and intelligence. Because there is no such thing as a normal family.  Every single family is special. Family in fact is a group of people who love each other & are hence together. We may soon see same sex couple families in India. Why not just be open, welcome each family in our lives ? 

Our family stands out. A single parent & the kid. Smiling happily, no pretense, just love. 

Please. Control your inquisitiveness. Keep your judgement to yourself.