Somethings dont heal! come what may.

Yes, I moved out of my marital home in 2015.
What happened, why did I move is another story and a long one. Well, domestic violence was one of the reasons.

We have kept terms mutual  (well I did not ask anything - yes, anything at all)
I wanted to avoid going bitter out there at the court.

I thought it was over. Like I have moved on (no, not in the sense of finding a new partner). But the now my eyes take some time to glisten.

I thought I am strong. I am going to be able to face this.
But tada!
Somethings dont heal.

That hurt, inspite of giving more than myself to that person, his family. Rearing his child (yes, i know she is mine! dont you give me that shit piece of advise) on my own, answering all the eyes, their expressions everything, I still feel hurt whenever I talk to him.

I feel broken. No, this injury aint gonna heal. ever! 

Grief & condolences

My Grand father passed away recently. At some 97- 98 years of age.
Yes, he was not at all an affectionate person.
The truth is I dont really remember him a lot anymore. Because we probably never had those great moments together. My family always had tiffs with him.
But I am sure he was a major part of my upbringing. All that was said about him was said by other people.He was a disciplinarian. He cleaned the bungalow surroundings everyday morning as a chore everyday morning. He followed eating timings strictly (that explains his age) also a very fixed diet. 
But as far as I remember he was always aloof, fighting with the world unnecessarily. My grand ma filled in that position. She was compassionate. Very loving. Very Gender based role division. She used to bear all that atrocities that my grandpa did. No, I still don't think that involved domestic violence. But yes, he used to keep picking petty fights and she patiently handled them, never really expressed herself. She was a meek person easy to be dominated. She had immense tolerance levels.
She passed away in her sixties. Every relative still speaks of her being good. 
I never heard of likewise for grandpa(we called him appa). But Appa was a part of me growing up. He was money minded enough to sue his own kids, but at the same time he helped them immensely too. His kids, my parents, uncles all of them always looked up to him for his saving habits and his basic conscience of keeping the property to himself till he died. Which was one of the reasons why people tolerated him.
Why am I writing all this.
No, I was not immensely grieved of his death. Cause we never shared moments.
But from that day, there has been this immense need to write, that maybe yes I do grieve his death. He was not close, was troublesome, but somewhere he has been a major part of my upbringing.
His memories - teachings - whatever he did for me kept haunting me.
It came to my mind, should a person be remembered for his or her good deeds. Or is it ok to be helping and being bad prima-facie so that people dont feel bad when u die ?
He actually taught me a lesson while leaving. Doing the rightful and not looking at it again as a good thing to be done.
I wonder, who will cry when I die.
But then Do I want someone to cry ? probably I wont care after I am dead.

Do we lack someone to fight with ?

Yes, the whole generation is onto getting depressed for a long time now. Everyone,  from Celebs to normal people are suddenly stuck with this epidemic of Depression. One feels lonely, left out in  the crowd. There is this compulsion to be nice. compulsion to be happy!
Families are smaller. People's gatherings are smaller. Loads of work. People talk only for the purpose of getting work done. Lesser time pass.
Ok, I know there might be people who will disagree to the above. I must say they would be the lucky few. In this world directed by a handful of conglomerates, it is the marketeers that lead the way to happiness or depression to happiness again telling you that see, we made you happy and you owe us loyalty now. (money included).
Can there be a little solution?
I was taking a class, therein a little kid mentioned that if in case my friend is sad &  depressed, I will fight with him to make him feel better! BinGO !!??
Actually! We do lack that person whom we can fight with and make up later and still be together. There are people who bicker continuously. I think they truly would not be as depressed.  I have heard conversations from elders - anyone - that they had a fight (by fight - I mean fight not argument ) with the colleague and they still talking as good the next day. Yes, they were black listed (sort of) in each others list but they still worked together. No. not due to self compulsion (of paying the EMI's ), but that of a job. Most of them were onto government jobs. They knew they had to stick together till they retired. There werent so many choices. They could then fume on each other and still be together the next day or maybe next to next.

It comes to my mind, so will someone to fight to suffice ? What effect will the fighting have on the next person ? Then should that person also de-stress via fighting.  Should every relation be - as in just be ? without a single fight at all ? love-ly fight ?  

Sharing & Caring &

I work in this new place for a year now. It is in the  North of India. Near New Delhi. 

And for the whole year, I have seen our Vice Chancellor, a very senior person, beaming with a smile, every single time, absolutely every single time whenever his wife calls in. & I have met her too. She is such a sweet n charming lady, equally intelligent & smart. 

I used to stay here when I was preggers. The house that I stayed in was owned by a senior couple. Uncleji used to go to get vegetables and grocery everyday in the evening with Auntyji. It was more of a time that they spent together. 

I had been to Mumbai last year for a wedding, and was gonna reach late at around 12 am. The friends that we stayed with came to pick us up. I insisted, we can take a cab, you do not need to disturb yourselves. But she insisted, nah, don't worry. This is when we get to spend time together & we relish it. 

There is another couple I know. Wherein the guy used to drop the girl to office 40 kms away one way. Because they thought their discussions / talks didnt get over within the time they got at home. 

Why all this suddenly ? 

It was just yesterday, that I gave 2 shrewsberry biscuits to a colleague, a fellow Dean in college. He asked what it was, and remembered that his wife loved them. He mentioned so. And said I think I should keep them for my wife. I insisted, dont worry, I will give you a packet tomorrow. But in spite of that, he ate one and kept one for his wife. 

It just came to mind, maybe all this sharing, caring, urge to spend time together makes relationships last way longer. Or Forever. Maybe! 

The beauty of familiarity

Currently I live away for that 'so familiar land' where the language is my mother tongue. Do I miss all this consciously ? no. But somewhere in my sub conscious I do.
I remember, I had been to China, some years ago, and had felt so nice when i met another person who knew my language. We gelled well immediately. In fact I am still in touch with a person whom I met accidentally at the Chinese market. Off course through Fb.
It rained yesterday. But the rains are not as lovely as they in the place I come from. Or from the place I lived for long. For many years of my life.
Am I a migrant here, yes. It is my country. But the culture, the people, etiquette everything is different. It is still very easy to talk to a person with the same mother tongue. It is still very easy to understand and relish the food that I ate as a kid. There are times when the mind is not at all ready to accept the fact that the food is so very different. So not familiar.
But beyond all this, I think I am missing the marketplaces too ? What ? can this be ?
Yes.
I just went to a store in Delhi, called as the Sitaram's stationary store. There is a stationary mall in pune called as 'Venus'. The very fact that Sitaram was supposed to be the biggest stationary store, made me anticipate  the same experience as Venus! I would still want to travel to Pune, and not miss going to Venus!
I went there. I literally stood there for a moment. It was way different, but it still felt similar, with floors filled with stationary.
I felt so good, so familiar. So at home. so satiated. It was not about the shopping, it was more about the experience of stationary displayed in a similar fashion out there.
It just came in my mind, though we want to wander, want to experience new things, we still want to come back to that one anchor point. We still yearn the company we were familiar with. Forever.