the moment of nothing but love

A very serene person. I dont know why. very calm, minimalist. A pulling charm. Oh, we made fun of her kajal and checked her out every time she came to campus, because she was Rahul's friend. So pretty, with no complex of being pretty. This is something. I have never met a person like this before. Pooja.
 She has built this cosy little corner in the visual arts studio. A lot of silence in there. A little discussion on what  should one do in life. Me being overwhelmed by the art she has made, with the desire to make the same. Thinking of what if I got to make that amount of art ? Was it really impossible ?
No, a time when I had no money to make art, or rather buy material, I happened to make more art than today. Today the number of color boxes in my house would be more than actual art that I have made.
Every time I thought I would concentrate on art making, I got a huge bundle of responsibilities, be it marriage, pregnancy, education, love, kid, you name it I have it.All those little moments of loss, building one on another.Today, when I could have chilled with one job, I am again into education. Persuing that PhD. Relatively not studying as much for it. Being the Parent!
All that just came in.
Tears rolled on to my eyes. Just like that. No reason at all. That silence just broke out all those desires of nomadic artisty life.  All those moments that went wrong, that made me turn my life so much. All those judgements that I saw, post that. No regrets though.
It just comes to my mind, that the presence of so much near to perfect person and near to perfect place, got my mind run through everything so quick !!! and i covered it so quick too.
Not again, I will not be able to go back to that place. To that perfect person.
I am good being the stone! I got this. I don't know till when.I guess till I sustain.

That one moment of nothing just defines, what you are!

Just a continuation for the same person.
I had been away for the day and she promised me to take care of my daughter.
Being in the North of India I am now used to not asking for help from anyone at all.
because no one helps. If you help, you are judged into what could be the ulterior motive to help. it is difficult to help and get help. or ask for help.
Pooja promised us dinner. I came back from a mad hectic trip. And I could not move. I was that ill.
She actually came in with dinner, freshly made, extremely tasty (trust me that didn't matter at that moment). She sat with us, while we had dinner. She waited till we were done.

How can there be so much love in this era of home deliveries and this place of only saying a hi, bye, thank you. No nothing but gratitude came to my mind the other day.

About being strong. Accept it.

Yes, i just shifted at least 4 times in the last three years. We changed houses 4 times. We started with some amount of luggage. I was still not a very furniture person. But yes, I do have a lot of books, a lot of small small things with me. Did I have them because I am a hoarder ? NO!!! not at all. its because I needed those things once, kept them well, my daughter reads my first story book as of today. Yes, I know there are so many things that I left behind. there are so many things that have got lost, kept at a place where they belong.
NO, this is not about me having things. It is about shifting them. It is about us needing them. This is about, me wanting buy a 2 seater dining table but being reminded that maybe I will people home, get the bigger table. About our family being complete. About we needing to deal with people at times. About cold. About the need of stuff that we like to be on, be in everything.
But guess what shifting is a night mare. things break. get displaced. get lost, this time get stolen. (someone stole my plant).
All this and the tension that how is this going ot be done. Oh Ok there is professional help for sure. there is ! But it did not run around here. The professional help led into we not being needed to take care of things. The buildings were closeby. I was working - no holiday as such.
Since It was closeby, there was no period of change. All this built a huge anxiety in me.There was no help in sight. I could wait, stop for help. But I had given myself a deadline. so much of anxiety, it led me in breaking down. My neighbor came across to just sit with me and make me feel comfortable.
Why the blog ?
I just read a blog by Nandita Abraham, She is the president Pearl, Yes, for a reason.  A very strong woman. She experienced change so many times in her life, and she discusses that as the very reason for her being fearless.
I think I am on the path, through the change, through the struggles, I am reaching a new strong, a new me. Sometimes it comes to my mind, that then I should not compare myself with people not of that strength. Yes. I should not. I should not feel that I should have had that ordinary life of everything going fine. No one does.