omnipresent

yes it is two years you are not around..today to be precise.. Yes I miss you a lot.But no! i still don't dare to hang a photo of yours on my wall and hang a mala over it.. no i don't want to reminded everyday that you are not with me, mom. i am still afraid, I cannot accept this that you could be present in the photo..when in actual i still cannot forget the face on the stature, with eyes closed and the skin turned blue.. I think this is more than enough for me to know that you are not there. i don't need a photo..although a lot of photoes of my mom-in-law in the house do remind me of me not putting up your photo on my wall..
i still feel like calling you or telling you about all the exciting things that happened in the day, like i used to do after school.. i still feel like sharing in jokes by actually bragging you aai, please can i tell you a joke? whenever i visit any new place or city i feel like calling you up and giving way to my anxiety, sharing all that i can.
it is just some time ago that my sister told me that i cannot be omnipresent for my daughter and i should stop trying to be with her all the time for her own good.i completely agree to it..
but sometimes it really comes to my mind, aai you are not there physically but i am sure you are there (omnipresent)for me by not being present physically..

how close is close?

the experience was so different. generally she keeps wiggling in my arms wants to set free, scream , cry, laugh..but today i felt that she was actually trying to feel my warmth..this is such a different feeling. i had placed my hand on her tummy. the hand off course almost covered her torso. She laid quiet..holding my hand and rubbing her sweet little finger on them.
i don't know. was she trying to feel the touch she had recognized from her birth now. was it a different feeling to her mind? i wish she could speak and i could ask her..but she kept smiling.. she was so happy that i could give her time, be by her side..
this relation of a mother daughter is so self contenting.. was it for the first time or did i not notice this before due to being busy? this relationship with her- i hope it flourishes more, i and saee share a relation above every else in the world..
i feel she is gonna be everything for me.. i hope she feels the same..this closeness is so much ahead of any other closeness..