the traffic jam a wonderful comparison to life

these days i drive(ride) to my office. it take around an hour of a ride. it is exhausting but full of surprises and wonderful thoughts, analysis and much more. All going on in my mind.

I was going to office yesterday, and I was caught by huge traffic. Traffic actually gets us thinking, should i be following the path that everyone else is doing? or should i take the sideways since i have a two wheeler? isn't life same too, should I be going the path that's taken, so that i reach a known destination, or should i take the riskier path where in I never know what lies ahead. 

And then there is always a little path wherein you can get in the mainstream again. and get into the same traffic trying to wade in to the traffic. 

and then there are times when u cannot see things ahead. does this seem familiar - a little too much familiar. so many times in life, when we don't know what's gonna be the ultimate destination. and so many times, we feel we are so much away from the destination while there is a just a little truck of a big vehicle in between us reaching there. 

there is one more peculiar thing that comes to my mind. if I go within the little space left in the rows of the 4 wheeler vehicles  that could also help me speed up to reach, instead of the shortcut that everyone take by going to the sides. very few people take up this path. It works most of the times. But sometimes, there comes a dead end when there is no space left. Isn't life the same, we sometimes pick up a few things intuitively which work and they might not work for some 10 percent times. 

All this really made me think. Is it not wonderful to simply enjoy the ride, like a friend of mine, gati does or enjoy the speed like i do. I think enjoying the moment is what is important, because what is going to happen is going to happen, come what may. 

It just comes to my mind, that then at times, we should also enjoy the hurdles in life, just like this traffic. enjoy, ride on and on and some day there will be a destination or maybe not. and that should be ok. the ride was wonderful - is waht i would love to say at the end of my life :) 

redefining friendship yet again/ time heals and disappears

After meeting so many friends in my way to this birthday, I met my friend Preeti, long lost - that is exactly some 15-16 years back when we were in 9 th standard of school.
we lived next doors and were together since 6 th standard, (approx) we shared every single thing that came to mind. the teenage friends we were... so many secrets.. oh my god.. Comparatively, we live a very open life now.
We shared lives, spaces..We went for a walk with my sister's pet dog then. Went to cycling, played together for long. But went to different schools. and then one fine day separated due to a little squabble more so a misunderstanding put in by her school friend.
We linked on Facebook last year, and suddenly felt like catching up. She asked me for a suitable date for the meeting and I roped in my own birthday. I felt that would make my day special and it did. She made my day. (she wasn't aware of the birthday, which was good in a way).
I was little hesitant, of how would she react/ behave/ i don't know/ the fear of unknown..
We met and chatted for longgg.. we almost picked up from where we had left. It was like the 15-16 years had melted away. Time had healed and disappeared too. I felt so good. I m sure she did too. It was a mutual feeling. There were no apprehensions around. I did not feel the slightest urge to think what I was talking. the conversation had a natural flow. the reactions were true, there were reactions not responses.
This incident made something come to my mind.. if time heals, will time heal what is going on in my life now by being away? is it possible that time would heal while am here too? i don't know..
but She suddenly made me believe in love and friendship again...
sometimes it come to my mind, there must be a list of people I will be meeting.preset. preset on how much time will they be with me. It's just that some people make us feel comfortable with them than the others. Some people are thrust upon involuntarily and some are lovingly attached.
The feeling I had when I met Preeti cannot be explained (in spite of trying to explain through this blog) but the relation we shared as kids is much different than with any of friends as a child. And now as grown ups, I would love to be the same we did as kids. Yes we would be presses in for time, due to responsibilities, but I think that's ok. Time can be sorted out. :) 

love - selfishness...

love is definitely an outcome of a self centered nature, love can never be only giving, it is more about taking. that is also the reason why love starts diminishing when one partner reduces giving. you fail to get and hence get frustrated.. 

I have a feeling that this applies to all kinds of love. brother sister, mother - daughter. (I'm experiencing it here, although I don't expect any worldly things in return, i still want my daughter to cuddle to me. to be close to me - i think that is very selfish of me to do so, and i know there will be one day when she will move away and i will find myself to be left alone..) 

And i think all this starts when we are born. we come with that innate urge to cared for. to be loved for our own selfish good. While giving the other person happiness of doing good. as babies, as kids, as teenagers, as grown ups, as oldies.. we all want to be loved, to be taken care of.. so we deeply seek someone who will do that for us..and we keep seeking since there is no assurance of one person being with you forever due to the rule of nature. 

a two year old / a twenty year old?

my husband tries to discipline my little one who is only 2. He was trying to ask her to put her shoes in place. In the bid of that, he told her that if she does not pick up the things - no one will talk to her. mom will not talk, dad will not talk, her grandpa (my dad in law) will not talk, and aunty (a neighbor) will not talk to her.
she listened to all that he said, and then simply walked off muttering like a twenty year old, anuty will talk to me and granpa will talk to me.
And  I suddenly felt like it was me talking when I was twenty. the same rebel attitude. it was fascinating as well as a little astonishing the way she walked off. I wonder how would she say this again.

life's teaching me lessons. thank you life.

these ten days have been eventful. some events were unexplained, some were. some taught a few things while some just added in stress.
I think it all started with the un-explainable loss of new phone. Was it destined, was it a sign, an omen that I was gonna face a much much bigger event in life.
My husband was admitted into a hospital due to fever. things, test diagnosis led to a conclusion that he needed to operated. He needed an open heart surgery. All that build up a lot of pressure. Especially, since his family members, - his elder brother and probably his father who kept changing his mind were against the surgery. (His elder brother was a Medical rep for sometime and believes that Doctors do surgery only to create money). They kept cursing my decision and regardless to say me.
here I very well know, that now these two people will lie, Oh no we never were against the surgery, we were just against a hasty decision. this will be the cover up line so that people don't blame them and they save their asses.
And I am not sure if there is very little time for a life saving decision then whether it is called as hasty.

Lesson learnt : people keep thinking about money and their egos irrespective of the situation and at such time it is extremely difficult to think in real good - i.e combining emotions (my love for my husband) + rationally ( to think about the pros and cons of the operation) That actually consumed loads of energy from my brain. I felt I was too young for a situation like that. Although I knew very well what I was doing. I must thank my mother, father and my education which has enabled me to take good decisions. Although I had a strong backing to my decision by my uncle who is a MD doc too.

then was the surgery. I was weak in my knees. I wanted to see my decision to work. 1. to see my husband alive and away from danger, i loved him so much. 2. to prove i was right in the decision. ( here I was also satisfying my ego in a condition like that, although that was the last priority at that moment. I was also trying to make myself safe) I think all this was very human, very likely for anyone in that situation. Since my in laws curse me and hold me responsible for my mom-in-laws cancer (I just wrote about it in my last blog)

lesson learnt :  come what may, at times one needs to take decisions, whose results are arbitrary, some times life threatening too. this was a perfect test to see where did I fare in calculative risk taking.

The surgeon is the best in Pune - Dr. Ranjith Jagtap, he was a colleague to my uncle and that helped me get to him earlier than others. they diagnosed a big thing - a valve damage within 2 days. by Dr. Neelkanth Bapat and the technician Aparna. I think this was sheer luck - a part of destiny.

lesson learnt : there are so many things which cannot be explained. like everything falling in place in this part of the whole event.

I appealed to all my FB and gmail friends to pray for him. I was weak in my knees when the procedure was on. I did not even get up for the washroom. I was almost glued to the chair. And when i did move for 4- 5 mins, this did come to my mind, this time is so much. I just hope all's well. I came back, and the doc was telling his relatives that the operation was successful. The doc waited for me come, he handed over the valve box, which I will have to preserve for Shri's next operative / whatever procedure comes his way. Since this valve is ought to last for minimum 10 years and maximum 20 years.
there was a drastic 180 degree turn in my mood - I was immensely happy that all went well. And that I could see my husband. Yes we had a few, a lot of differences after baby birth, but that does not reduce the love that we had sometime ago. I was overjoyed..

Lesson learnt : it all went well. Prayers work. they do.

this was probably not enough. My dad in law picked my daughter almost snatched her from the person I had kept her with, since her creche had a holiday. that woman called me up. I was alone in the hospital. It was again another moment of tension. more of panic. he must have done that since he disapproved that lady I had kept her with or whatever. on phone he said he would be kicking me out of the house would take care of my daughter. Now that was really difficult. I must say at that moment, my daughter became more important to me. I called up someone to be around and went back hastily to pick my daughter. I felt much more insecure.

here again i know he will lie, since no one saw / heard my dad in law saying this, since this was over phone. these people have tried picking on things like this.

Lesson learnt : How much ever you love your husband/ spouse, if you are a mother, your child is your first love forever in life.

While I know that my dad in law and brother in laws will try to influence various things so that they would be successful to keep me away from my husband or at least create nuances, which they have been creating ever since (I guess that's human behavior too based on the Indian caste system - I don't belong to the same caste that Shri does), which he has been trying ever since he know of our marriage. But I have reached a point of satisfaction now, that I have done what was my responsibility at that moment for my love. I was true in every sense that I did it.

I just hope that this episode actually gives my husband a fresher perspective to life. and a better life for us, he, me and our daughter to live together happily ever after.

And I felt I should write this down, so that the pressure on my mind releases a little. Although I had my friends, ,my people with me. The same people who have been with me during the thick and thins.

I am gonna go back to my work - which is again a source of immense pleasure and satisfaction. And I am happy though thatI have got my own self back. a more confident, responsible and a no-fear person I was before my baby was born.

All I can say is thank you life.  for being there for me. 

does anyone has the power to bring in death in reality?

And I always wanted to write about this. People in my husband's house call me apshakuni - saying I brought in Death and sickness to their house.My mother in law was diagnosed with cancer after i came into the house. Yes my in laws did not treat me well nor do they treat me well today, since I belong to another caste and we had a love marriage. But that would not mean I wish for death for anyone, even to my worst enemy. why would I ..
And even if I did. I was thinking would I be able to bring in Death? Would I be able to induce Cancer in a person? Would I be kill anyone at all. And If I was really apshakuni, then why did people in my house live, in fact anyone who came in contact live at all? they would all be dead .. all would have cancer by now. This is absurd. I can understand, people of Dad- in -law's age who are brought up in superstitious male chauvinist era to think so. It is really disturbing when my husband says so. He said as an answer to the little quarrel in house. But this also means that deep in his mind, he thinks I killed his mother. That hurts.
Sometimes it just comes to my mind, that the caste system, superstitions have never gone away. Similar to that concept of fat cells, they never go away they simply are reduced in size. Anyone brought up in a superstitious house ought to be superstitious forever. Education and other things are simply covers on the top. They don't really change the within of a person to really make him/ her to think logically, that how can someone kill someone and moreover induce cancer - which is something that the Doctors are also trying to find since ages. 

Einsteins theory of relativity

the theory of relativity, or simply relativity, generally encompasses two theories of Albert Einstein: special relativity and general relativity.^[1] (The word relativity can also be used in the context an older theory, that of Galilean invariance.)

Concepts introduced by the theories of relativity include:

• Measurements of various quantities are relative to the velocities of observers. In particular, space and time can dilate.
• Spacetime: space and time should be considered together and in relation to each other.
• The speed of light is nonetheless invariant, the same for all observers.

exactly today, 3 years ago, I lost my mom to eternity and today my new nokia lumia. But Einstein's theory of relativity works, the lost phone does not hurt as much.

I still remember that night when she left for the heavenly abode. I still don't want to see her picture hanging on the wall. I want to believe she is there. It's not that I don't think of all this everyday, but today the memories get more grim. they tend to trouble more. The complete incident actually runs through my open eyes again and again. 

Maybe I was in these thoughts, and I left or dropped my mobile somewhere. I had just bought that phone. it is not that I have loads of money and so I don't care. But truly, after my mom's loss and then my baby coming in this worlds, which was the consequent event, I don't really feel that love or attachment towards worldly things.

I used to be so mean before. i use to not allow people to touch my sketch pens which is quite a little thing to share, to give away. 

Today I don't really feel that. After Mom's gone, I know, come what may she will not be back. that was a huge treasure. I got another treasure, my daughter. I don't think there could be anything above this. 

these worldly man - made things and gonna come and go. But the God made are ought to stay forever, if not physically in my memory, till I succumb to eternity one day. 

It kept striking my mind - why am i not sad for my mobile loss? i did take the essential steps to inform police etc..How could i take it so lightly? But I did not panic, like i would have done 3 years back. And i know the answer  it is just the theory of relativity, since the huge loss of not having mom is much much more, the phone loss is almost nothing - negligible here.