the internal volcano..

Being with oneself during a crisis is an extremely difficult and challenging thing probably.
A little unrest and you feel the need of someone to be with you. and then you are left with the option of being with a friend that you trust the most. and there are times that this friend does not really understand the context of what is the situation. Could be because the situation is from another context, the friend belongs to another context another situation.
the friend can understand ur state, but not the context.
I think at such times, its best to be with yourself. just be with urself.. but then it becomes a trouble if you are not introvert enough to keep things with you. And then there is fuming inside.. the volcano wants to erupt. it does not. and then there must be something within that's gonna pacify this volcano..
this needs a lot of strength, a lots of comfort with self - being comfortable with the volcano. being there not suppressing the volcano but pacifying it almost with a chemical..
this inner self probably needs to be the strong solitude of that will deactivate the volcano..get rid of that situation.. and yes as right ly said by a friend it is not a problem a situation u need to deal with..
If one can diffuse this volcano within, the fuming can be avoided. its repercussions can be avoided.
it just comes to my mind, at such times, the diffusing can be so difficult. keeping working towards it is so much essential, especially if there are situation that bring in such volcanoes everyday.

a mother's got lots to do..

I was driving back home with my daughter yesterday. She loves to talk to my friends through phone. I connected her to a friend of mine, who is just married. WE somehow could not get through due to range problems. i tried to explain this to my daughter, by telling her that its ok, she must be really busy. She must be having a lot to do.
As an instant reaction, she said, is she a mom too ?
That made me feel so good and satisfied over all that I do. It is so wonderful to see that my little one has grown up enough to understand that her mother has a lot to do and does a lot too :)

that feels good :)

Just reminds me of my mother who would do a lot too :) 

I finally have recognised my dream job - of being a Santa :)

We had this 'Secret Santa' program going on in the office for a week. It was wonderful - No- not because i got gifts, but because I could give a lot. And every time I imagined what would my 'kid' like - everyone picked a chit  to get a kid and a santa as well.
I went to extent of researching what were her likes - dislikes. What could be the things that she would never get for herself and things similar. At times I even made handmade stuff for her. it felt great. The very fact that i am able to make some happy felt great ..
It felt wonderful to pamper.. Yes I know somewhere I love this concept. that is also the reason why, may be I want to be pampered and happy hence I want to see everyone around me to be pampered and happy ..
And what if I can do that to everyone..
What if I can be the Santa, what If I had all the resources to do the same?
I think I will the happiest person on earth.. I am so sure of it..

The lovely month of December

Random Surfing, and suddenly the clock turns 00:00 and its 1st december..
This day would always make me feel special, with counting days towards to my birthday, the 13 th from today.  A little delving into today, tomorrow and yesterday.. childhood, when I awaited this month, that day since it used be the most special day in my life for the whole year. It would actually set in butterflies in my tummy :)
When I used to treated really well by my family, cake, flowers, new dress, and no scoldings on that day, that was the vanilla topping to it all.. I used to start planning as to what will I wear to school, (only civil dress day). And how will I convince Mom to please not make me wear 2 plaits to school  and let me let my hair open. It is so funny that my I had a short haircut then, and i used to still be wanting to let them open. I am sure whether open or tied would not make a lot of difference. Give chocolates to the whole class, and people wishing in happy birthday to get in more chocolates, going to each class like a celebrity. Walk in the other classes and tell that teacher - it is my birthday. As if she did not understand through me frilly dress... It seems so funny today..
Last time when I finished three decades of my life, I had felt bad, that I did not do a lot of things in my life. There were so many things that i can t do now, Oh, God I am at the mid- life crisis and all that.
I had taken so many things for granted.. that so many things will last forever, my Mom, my clear skin, my husband's love, my surroundings, that I would be able to go for my lovely morning walk everyday, come what may and what not, that I will become thin and more wonderful one day.. God this I am trying kabse. :)
And my doc tells me ok this has been so and will be so .. you will have to struggle a lot.. :)
And then there are so many people around whom i see get things easily.. And i used to feel bad that this is not the case with me..
But I think on today's I am feeling otherwise. I want to live this life, not like I am going to die tomorrow and I have'nt got a lot of things, desires whatever, but as I am gonna live, make the best of what I have I have just got selected as  the Global Ambassador of Design with the Interaction Design foundation..Give a lot to the society, to everyone around me (there are still a couple of people whom i hate madly) but what is important is the number has reduced drastically, I can probably now handle things (no, I am not an expert yet, may be I will b one the day I die). But Yes I can now find solutions to the so called never ending problems in my life. Now whether they work or not is not important.
I am not sure that the gifts, the cake that I get would be of the same emotional value this birthday too, (but i will still like to get gifts :P ). things have become predictable - like u know u will cut a cake, somewhere if not at home, someone will get it for u with all the love, it will feel great.special.. I always feel i want to be every person who loves me on that day.. but that day is so so very short...
But this time I wanna do something more, help someone achieve his/ her dream. Basically I wanna be there for someone, when he / she does not have anyone around.. It is such a human thing to expect to be understood and not understand in return. i want to do that this time. I want to understand and let go if someone does not understand.. Now that's a task. I hope I achieve it.
That will be immense happiness. mixed feelings right now.. But more and more positive..Optimistic I always was and will be forever.. (Gosh I don't want the mature tag to be attached to me..)

adaptation / copying / learning - Art

One of my friends is a wonderful illustrator. She illustrates these little wedding cards for friends. She has this implicit style which is very simple, but a very perfectly illustrated with a burlap textured background. She shares this across on the social platforms.
It just happened that another friend of mine is getting married and she just published a very similar wedding card on her profile. On the preview of it it might seem like it has been done by the first friend, while looking in details I found out that it was more like a copy.
Looking at the fact that the second wedding invitation was done by a person who did not have a fomal design education, it is a good effort. But looking at it from the perspective of the expert, it was a copy.
Here's the dilemma, there is no such thing that is copy. everything is an inspiration, and there is nothing original for that matter and everything is adapted from somewhere. what was strikingly similar here was the the background which was so similarly packaged.
Infact my college principal had also taught us, that we learn by copying the masters. In fact we learn to walk through copying other people walking around.. then develop our own distinctive style to walk. same with the case of talking and various things around.
And then there is this dearth for awareness of design since everyone feels he or she can draw. Yes they can but there is some reason why a person who has studied design for 6 whole years has a finese that the other person won't.
I wonder at such point there should be appreciation to the person who is an expert - has now become a master, that people have started imitating her or the otehr one who has tried to get there and make absolutely similar effort?
It just came to my mind that both are equally good at the efforts and there should mutual respect where the person who copied should acknowldge her as 'got inspiration from'. that's my view though. absolutely personal. 

my little one's little pair of wings..

Yes, she is three now. my little one. I wonder who is more attached, me or she?
We had been to this naming ceremony yesterday. She was around with me, when she saw the baby's cradle, who was to be named, she went up the stairs on her own and went and sang for the little baby. there were other women singing in too, but they were all above their sixties. And here she stood as tiny as little and sang to the baby.
Today she was all set to go a birthday party on her own. I dropped her to the door. Post that she went in, sat comfortably. Being the kind of mother I am, I just peeped to find out if she was ok. And she was..

It kinda gives me a mixed feeling, that she is getting more and more independant, but would that mean she will get detached.
I dont want to think so at this moment. I want her to be with me, from wherever she is since now she will start growing. Flying with her own wings, enjoying. But somewhere I want to see her doing that. It is simply wonderful :)

the new car. and so many things'

Yes I got a new car!!!
And it is so good to be in it everyday. Its just 2 days that i got it to office. I feel fresh when i am in office and not dead tired. I can be more fresher, more receptive at work.
I am still fresh when I reach home. It is much better than the 2 wheeler 37 km drive one way.
Yay!! that should be my reaction, isnt it?

But then look at it properly, it is a new loan, what is the need for you to get a car?.
I met People saying, 'You got a car for yourself?' reinstating', for you to drive in to office? your husband got it for you? where did u find all the cash from?
Why can't a woman get a car for herself, so that she is comfortable to come to office, especially if the office is a 70 km to and fro on the 2 wheeler? Why cant she take a loan on her own? why cant she simply think of taking care of herself now so that she can be for the family for more hours more fresh hence more qualitative hours? Why cant she think of making her car as the family car.
I wonder if the same questions are asked to a guy if he buys a car.. Did u buy a car to come to office on your own, or is it a family car? Did your wife fund it? Did your dad get it for you? DO you know how to drive. Will you be able to ?
I wonder if people really felt the same when i got the 2 wheeler a couple of years back. Why this fuss? It is just another vehicle, used for transportation.
I found it so difficult to find a female colleague who drove a 2 wheeler to that distance once when i had lost my activa keys. Because in fact there was none. Same is the case of me trying to find someone who comes in her car from that far.
It just comes to my mind, that this is the thinking which has been around for years and will take years to change. Maybe I am going to be one of the pioneers to the change. I am sure there are many with me, but the number is still lesser than the aam janta who still thinks otherwise.